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Hello,

I am new to this board..and just need some guidance and advice. I don't even know where to begin....

Just in brief...I've been in a relationship for just about 4 years now. We have had our ups and downs....gone through breakups...got back together..have had couples counselling. We have had a pretty hard past. I fell in love with him extremely strong....but..it makes me even sad to say "but"....but I just feel my love for him is dying slowly because of the way he speaks to me and treats me. I am a very passionate and emotional person by nature. He has this anger that is raging...and I dont know what to do. I have tried my best to compose myself and learned tactics through therapy and on my own to try to calm the situation when we have arguements. For example this just happened yesterday...

We were on our way to Disneyland and I am about a 30min drive from his place...I came and picked him up and we were headed to Disneyland....within 5mins he asked me how my parents dinner was at his parents house last night because they had gone. I had said good....even Aunt R was there...he said she was? i said yes...and her son came too...he wasn't goin to come because he was at the gym..but Aunt R was presistant for him to come so Alvin came dirty straight from the gym. I didn't mean it to come out in a nasty way or talking bad about Alvin being dirty after the gym. Because I said I am dirty after gym..my mom is..my dad is..everyone is....it's because you sweat. But my boyfriend took it as me sh*t talking..those was his exact words...because I said that Alvin came dirty straight from the gym. He assumed my mom was sh*t talking as well...and said how would you like it when people start sh*t talking about their daughter dating a divorcee (which my older sister is). I was in shock that he took it to that level. I felt he was being so disrespectful to my mother and parents and sister....I couldnt believe that he took it to that level because I had said Alvin came dirty from the gym. I said wow..i didnt know he was so important BF to you for you to defend him. I then said in a calm low voice that you dont need to disrespect my mom like that....i am not sh*t talking..i didn't mean saying he came dirty to be in nasty way...i myself am dirty after gym. he was so furious and told me to shut the f up....and he tries to knock off my glasses and pushes them...as if he was goin to slap me. i was in shock and just straightened my glasses as i was driving on the freeway...he immediately yells and cusses and says get off fwy i'm not goin to disneyland anymore. i remain calm and say do i exit this and he's just cussing sayin no other one. at this point i'm in shock. i go into this mode where i dont know what is goin on around me and i have tunnel vision. he's a big big guy and even though i do love this person..i just do not know what he is capable of when he gets this raging anger inside him. the whole way back to drop him off...whenever i tried to speak in a calm low voice he told me shut the f up u f'n b*tch. he cursed me out SO SO SO much....while i didnt curse back at him at all. i just took it...he said such nasty horrible things f u f u f u b*tch..i'm from gutter etc etc. i tried to speak and i said i dont understand why u fight so dirty with me..and he continued to cuss. i even tried to calm it by diverting the convo and said can i have the tix i'll go to disneyland by myself and he said shut the f up b*tch that's what money hungry b*tches say get your own friends to get you tixs. i just didnt say anything and said OK...that's fine. i was fighting hard to remain calm...but i did and i tried...i tried so hard. he's always had issues with his raging anger. because i have such great love and loyalty for not only him but his whole family and try so hard to be the one to always have the weight of trying to take control of the situation on my own. he does this nasty games where he puts the entire blame on me..saying if i knew how to speak right...these things could be avoided. that's why i kept my mouth shut when he continued to cuss me out. i'm tired......i have changed and i have controlled my emotions for the sake of our relationship but it takes 2 people and i have no control over his raging anger. I dont know what to do anymore.

There has been quite a few times when he has had these sort of raging fits. the worse was over a year ago when we had a very heated argument and i was leaving and he came out of his car walked over to me and spit on my face. as much as i want to forget about that..i cant...especially since yesterday. because when he tried to push my glasses off as if to slap me...i felt that same exact feeling when i was watching him walking towards me to spit on me of being in shock goin into this mode of not knowing what's goin around me and goin into tunnel vision. we went through therapy after the spitting incident...it's was so horrific...he even said that just within those seconds he zones out.

He's such a loving big hearted caring person...people would be shocked to see this side of him...and that's how i feel....just this shock that how does he allow himself to get to that level of raging anger.

i feel like i'm falling out of love with him when these situations happen...and the combination of our past creeps back up into my mind...because of his continued anger towards me. since our past 2 arguments i just see him as this big ugly huge monster. like I literally have this visualization in my head of him being such an ugly unattractive person...it seems like he's this bizarre creature in my head that is like this 400-500lb ugly monster. it scares me because i am having these sort of vivid and detailed thought about him...even to the point that his voice is this scary devil sounding when he says f*ck u b*tch. it's that vivid and detailed for me....i see him like that when he gets into his raging fits.

it's weird because i was so in love with him at a point where i had butterflies in my stomach whenever i was around him and that feeling was for years...i was so attracted to him in every way.....but those feelings i feel fade whenever he becomes this sort of person...moreso recently.

i dont know what to do.
[QUOTE=4everhappy;4175370]Hello,

I am new to this board..and just need some guidance and advice. I don't even know where to begin....

Just in brief...I've been in a relationship for just about 4 years now. We have had our ups and downs....gone through breakups...got back together..have had couples counselling. We have had a pretty hard past. I fell in love with him extremely strong....but..it makes me even sad to say "but"....but I just feel my love for him is dying slowly because of the way he speaks to me and treats me. I am a very passionate and emotional person by nature. He has this anger that is raging...and I dont know what to do. I have tried my best to compose myself and learned tactics through therapy and on my own to try to calm the situation when we have arguements. For example this just happened yesterday...

We were on our way to Disneyland and I am about a 30min drive from his place...I came and picked him up and we were headed to Disneyland....within 5mins he asked me how my parents dinner was at his parents house last night because they had gone. I had said good....even Aunt R was there...he said she was? i said yes...and her son came too...he wasn't goin to come because he was at the gym..but Aunt R was presistant for him to come so Alvin came dirty straight from the gym. I didn't mean it to come out in a nasty way or talking bad about Alvin being dirty after the gym. Because I said I am dirty after gym..my mom is..my dad is..everyone is....it's because you sweat. But my boyfriend took it as me sh*t talking..those was his exact words...because I said that Alvin came dirty straight from the gym. He assumed my mom was sh*t talking as well...and said how would you like it when people start sh*t talking about their daughter dating a divorcee (which my older sister is). I was in shock that he took it to that level. I felt he was being so disrespectful to my mother and parents and sister....I couldnt believe that he took it to that level because I had said Alvin came dirty from the gym. I said wow..i didnt know he was so important BF to you for you to defend him. I then said in a calm low voice that you dont need to disrespect my mom like that....i am not sh*t talking..i didn't mean saying he came dirty to be in nasty way...i myself am dirty after gym. he was so furious and told me to shut the f up....and he tries to knock off my glasses and pushes them...as if he was goin to slap me. i was in shock and just straightened my glasses as i was driving on the freeway...he immediately yells and cusses and says get off fwy i'm not goin to disneyland anymore. i remain calm and say do i exit this and he's just cussing sayin no other one. at this point i'm in shock. i go into this mode where i dont know what is goin on around me and i have tunnel vision. he's a big big guy and even though i do love this person..i just do not know what he is capable of when he gets this raging anger inside him. the whole way back to drop him off...whenever i tried to speak in a calm low voice he told me shut the f up u f'n b*tch. he cursed me out SO SO SO much....while i didnt curse back at him at all. i just took it...he said such nasty horrible things f u f u f u b*tch..i'm from gutter etc etc. i tried to speak and i said i dont understand why u fight so dirty with me..and he continued to cuss. i even tried to calm it by diverting the convo and said can i have the tix i'll go to disneyland by myself and he said shut the f up b*tch that's what money hungry b*tches say get your own friends to get you tixs. i just didnt say anything and said OK...that's fine. i was fighting hard to remain calm...but i did and i tried...i tried so hard. he's always had issues with his raging anger. because i have such great love and loyalty for not only him but his whole family and try so hard to be the one to always have the weight of trying to take control of the situation on my own. he does this nasty games where he puts the entire blame on me..saying if i knew how to speak right...these things could be avoided. that's why i kept my mouth shut when he continued to cuss me out. i'm tired......i have changed and i have controlled my emotions for the sake of our relationship but it takes 2 people and i have no control over his raging anger. I dont know what to do anymore.

There has been quite a few times when he has had these sort of raging fits. the worse was over a year ago when we had a very heated argument and i was leaving and he came out of his car walked over to me and spit on my face. as much as i want to forget about that..i cant...especially since yesterday. because when he tried to push my glasses off as if to slap me...i felt that same exact feeling when i was watching him walking towards me to spit on me of being in shock goin into this mode of not knowing what's goin around me and goin into tunnel vision. we went through therapy after the spitting incident...it's was so horrific...he even said that just within those seconds he zones out.

He's such a loving big hearted caring person...people would be shocked to see this side of him...and that's how i feel....just this shock that how does he allow himself to get to that level of raging anger.

i feel like i'm falling out of love with him when these situations happen...and the combination of our past creeps back up into my mind...because of his continued anger towards me. since our past 2 arguments i just see him as this big ugly huge monster. like I literally have this visualization in my head of him being such an ugly unattractive person...it seems like he's this bizarre creature in my head that is like this 400-500lb ugly monster. it scares me because i am having these sort of vivid and detailed thought about him...even to the point that his voice is this scary devil sounding when he says f*ck u b*tch. it's that vivid and detailed for me....i see him like that when he gets into his raging fits.

it's weird because i was so in love with him at a point where i had butterflies in my stomach whenever i was around him and that feeling was for years...i was so attracted to him in every way.....but those feelings i feel fade whenever he becomes this sort of person...moreso recently.

i dont know what to do.[/QUOTE]

I am responding to a quote that "40% of people who get married, felt they had to get married, which only led to divorce." I think about that quite often, I was engaged two times and I look at what I have now. Sure I see a pretty girl and go Ooooo. But at last , when I get home, I find heaven waiting.


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