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My husband and I are trying to work with a marital therapist. The immediate issue is that, intentionally or not, he spent several months making me feel as if he didn't like the person I was, and wanted me to change, which eventually resulted in my going on a medication I did not want to take to make him happy, which is now making me worse and not working as well as my prior medication, and I cannot go off it for another month.

I admit I was under extreme pressure (trying to finish dissertation and teach) and was getting annoying--i.e. cleaning excessively, being very irritable. My pdoc has confirmed that the things he was worried about, while not ideal, were not in any way sources of danger to my physical or medical well-being, and that he believes I could have handled the stress for the several months it would have continued.

Because he has recently been throwing in my face that he (once) suggested counseling without understanding how hard finding a competent counselor is, and because I handle most of our day to day chores--cleaning, shopping, making medical appointments for both of us, etc. I felt he should handle finding a therapist. I actually found the guy anyway, but he still dragged his feet on making the appointment, and I had to walk him through ever step of the way--i.e. call the insurance company and ask these questions, call the staff back when they don't call you as promised, etc. while I was out of town on a business trip. The last straw is that he was supposed to call today to reschedule an appointment, hopefully to get in this week, first thing in the morning, and he didn't do it, meaning we will not see our therapist for at least 3 weeks. I am furious; he seems to feel that this doesn't show a lack of committment to the process.

Thoughts? I'll admit I am angry and the clonzepam is screwing me up so not entirely reasonable so I'd like an outside perspective.
I've never been married, so I must declare that. It does sound like a frustrating, and sometimes hurtful situation. Of course I think your husband is being passive aggressive about the marital counselling and dragging his feet and not keeping up with his part of the arrangements. I don't think it would be too much of a generalisation to say that men are much less prepared to participate in any therapeutic scenario. I see it all the time in mental health groups that I attend as a patient. The proportion of women to men would be 8 to 2 - and I've seen that again and again. And of course there would be equal levels of mental illness in the community in terms of gender so those proportions are totally representative of men's lack of preparedness to participate. So I think your husband's reluctance is the norm, rather than the exception. I'm not saying he has mental illness, just that blokes don't like to participate in any therapeutic process as much as women do.

My thought is to journal all this - use your post as a start - that's what I do. Refine it in the next three weeks and maybe start off the therapetic process with that issue itself. Of course it will be confrontational on some level and he may feel attacked, but this has been a significant series of events and non-events on his part and I don't think it can go past without being discussed.

I'm a sober member of AA as well as a psych patient and one of our most fundamental strategies is to also look at what part we have played in a scenario, and it would be good for you to go through all this and see where you have contributed, if you have at all. That would be good to include in the journal as well - it will help you aside from the marital counselling. I hope this is useful.
[QUOTE=Bethann01;4181976]My husband and I are trying to work with a marital therapist. The immediate issue is that, intentionally or not, he spent several months making me feel as if he didn't like the person I was, and wanted me to change, which eventually resulted in my going on a medication I did not want to take to make him happy, which is now making me worse and not working as well as my prior medication, and I cannot go off it for another month.

I admit I was under extreme pressure (trying to finish dissertation and teach) and was getting annoying--i.e. cleaning excessively, being very irritable. My pdoc has confirmed that the things he was worried about, while not ideal, were not in any way sources of danger to my physical or medical well-being, and that he believes I could have handled the stress for the several months it would have continued.

Because he has recently been throwing in my face that he (once) suggested counseling without understanding how hard finding a competent counselor is, and because I handle most of our day to day chores--cleaning, shopping, making medical appointments for both of us, etc. I felt he should handle finding a therapist. I actually found the guy anyway, but he still dragged his feet on making the appointment, and I had to walk him through ever step of the way--i.e. call the insurance company and ask these questions, call the staff back when they don't call you as promised, etc. while I was out of town on a business trip. The last straw is that he was supposed to call today to reschedule an appointment, hopefully to get in this week, first thing in the morning, and he didn't do it, meaning we will not see our therapist for at least 3 weeks. I am furious; he seems to feel that this doesn't show a lack of committment to the process.

Thoughts? I'll admit I am angry and the clonzepam is screwing me up so not entirely reasonable so I'd like an outside perspective.[/QUOTE]

I can only speak from my perspective, but asked myself was marriage worth the sacrafice one has to make? I told my mate in no uncertain terms if things did not turn around I would walk, some times it is amazing what a little tough love can accomplish: 40 years married now. But this was me and my situation. We must all make our own decissions.

Case





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