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Hi MizzFox-

I just now read this thread. And you know, he sounds very much like my boyfriend. there are so many parallells I figure we must be dating the same guy..lol!

My boyfriend does and says the same thing, at least he has in the past (its getting better). I remember when we first stated dating he hated it when I would get so upset that I would leave. (we had our own places at the time, and if I was over at his place and we would fight I would go back to my place and he hated that.) He would NOT call or chase me down, and he even told me that upfront- that he was not the kind of guy to come chasing after me if I go away. But, he loves me to death. I know that. But in his head he feels like my "leaving" is a control thing. So he would wait like two days before calling. Then we would make up, etc.
He sounds like your boyfriend also in the way that he doesnt like talking about things right away. he needs a day to process the problem at hand. If I push it really doesnt work. He needs time to process, and then he will come back and appologize if he was wrong, or not if he wasnt wrong, but either way we will talk it out, given a bit of time.

I guess what I'm saying is that I dont believe that your boyfriend necessarily has a foot out the door as suggested. I think he does love you, (he talks about your future, etc etc) but his way of communicating and problem solving does not match yours. So this needs to be worked out and you have to come to a compromise. He does need to understand that the way you two communicate right now in conflict is not working. You somehow have to come to a middle ground. Maybe something like this: when you are bothered and need resolve, you bring it up, and he at the very least acknowledges it and really listens. Then, you allow him a day or two at max to roll it around in his head. As long as he sticks to his end of the agreement to talk to you in a certain amount of time. Its a compromise...

I do think your boyfriend will call. If he is like mine (and soundsl like he is) it could be a day, two days, even longer. My boyfriend also USED to have that same mind set where he would wait for ME to do the calling and fixing and appologizing. I stopped calling and appologizing (expect for when I KNEW I was wrong) and eventually he learned to come to me when he was wrong.
Hang in there. and when you two do talk, try and stay calm and try hard not to play the hurt victim (even though you feel like the victim justifiebly so).He might feel like he can't do anything right and he keeps hurting you. They get tired of that after a while. Be strong and confidant in your next talk. Be clear about what you need. I bet that the moment you begin to step up and stand up for yourself he will come forward and bend towards the middle ground. Right now its all about you doing the work, but if you stop doing it he will have to do it as well.

Good luck from someone whose been there :-)
Hang in there...
And while you are not speaking, it might be good to use time to think about what you will calmly discuss when the time comes. I've found that when di sit down and talk it out, my boyfriend respond well when I speak rationally and without a lot of heated emotional daggars thrown his way. Ands it HARD because sometimes I am stewing inside and I want to scream, bit I find it is more productive to keep the emotions at bay, yet still say what I need to say. So take this time apart and think of those things and how you will state your needs.
Like I said I've been in your shoes...times when we literally were not speaking to each other. I had to step back and actually ask myself if the relationship was worth it. Because I hated feeling like he had a all the control and I felt hurt all the time. But I cane to realize that in our case, he was upset at also feeling lack of control. He was reacting to my demands of immediatly fixing things by pulling away. I had to remind myself that it is something we differ on. And because we have grown and learned to communicate (it did take time...and we have been dating over three years) I concluded that he is worth it.
And just so you don't go nuts, try and get out and walk or talk to a coworker..anything to get your mind clear.
Hugs! Keep us posted...:angel:
Thank you -- I will definitely take this time to think of how to calmly approach this situation and speak to him about it, because you're right he probably just feels like I am pushing him to fix everything and I know he can't and he probably does want to somehow feel in control of the situation but when I rant he feels like he can't do a thing. He said to me once when we got into an arguement a little while ago that he isn't mad-mat at me, he's just mad at the fact that he can't snap his fingers and make everything all better again when I am going through certain things.
I just really hope that he writes to me, do you sometimes approach him first, I think you may have mentioned something along the lines that if you're wrong you will approach him but if you're not then you leave it up to him. Are you ever afraid that your boyfriend one day won't ever call? That's how I'm feeling, I'm jumping at every text message I get (although none of them have been from him)...
I am now doubting things. I thought for sure by now he would write...I guess he doesn't get off work for another hour or so. So we'll see.
I just need to relax, definitely. I will definitely keep everyone posted! I will be here for a while at work yet, working some overtime.

We'll see how this goes.
Thanks so much!!! :)





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