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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Vellamo,

I know you are hurting and you are craving accountability or some understanding of what transformed a seemingly wonderful relationship into what you're going through now. From your description, I don't doubt that he is suffering from some mental illness, but it is not uncommon for "normal" people to behave in the same way he has. The pattern of self-doubt, fear of intimacy, rejection, distancing and persecution is common for a troubled person that fears commitment. Relationships mean growing up and taking accountability for your own behaviors, and maybe he wasn't ready for that. Maybe he's too afraid of his own problems and it is easier to push you away. Maybe his brain is simply telling him to be paranoid.

There is no way for you to know the logic, if there is any, behind his decision and his current behavior. He may not know himself. He needs help, but you can't be the one to give it to him. Helping a mentally ill person is a life-long commitment and, really, it should come from his family. As an ex-girlfriend that he refuses to see you have no role in that part of his life. Now is the time to gracefully step aside and phase him out of your life, which appears to be what he wants, and may be best for both of you.

Feel confident about what you had, grieve for what you've lost, and most importantly, love him and forgive him for failing to be strong enough to be the man you wanted. Love and forgive yourself too. As humans we are driven to seek answers, even if they are far beyond our reach, when what we truly need to learn is acceptance.





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