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Here I go, at the end of my powers... I've tried everything, I'M DESPERATE, I just can't let go, it goes from bad to worse and has caught me in the middle!

I had no clue about SZ before, but lately I've been reading all I could find, talk to sufferers, their families, to doctors, priests etc. I made my mistakes, yet I can't understand a thing...

Alright. So, I have ANXIETY. My ex-bf is suspected of SCHIZOPHRENIA or something similar. We met because of having common friends and very similar preferences, hobbies and such. Our first date was extremely successful, there was the instant and overwhelming 'click' and everything looked clear and bright... Very soon we were in an official relationship. We dated every day, he introduced me to his world, called just to hear my voice even though we'd already talked 2 times that day... we were passionate, kind, able to discuss anything, to the most profound matters. A very charming, intelligent young man, sensible, empathic, wise... everything I could ask for, and I'm never easy to please!! Not at all, you'd be scared... Friends told me they've never seen me so happy and kept on asking about the wedding...

One day however, things changed dramatically. We started arguing. I made the mistake to ask him where do we stand. He was like mad, he first reproached me that I consider our relationship to be superficial (but I stated the opposite!!!), then admitted he's scared, because I'm being too serious about it and ask for too much early on. I cooled down and said I will be ok and give him time, as much as he needs (we were in a very stressing time of exams). He didn't meet me for one whole week, I was dying.... And then, the decision... which he took IN MY ABSENCE: "It won't work, we need to split up." I could't help crying, it made no sense, as I've been a perfect girlfriend all the time.... These are not my words, but his guy friend's words... He became sweet again, wiped away my tears, kissed and held me, and said he'll be waiting for me to be ok. But then again, silence..... We argued again, this time I really couldn't take it.

This is the part where some things were revealed to me: his mother has SZ... and in his early teenage (13-14 yrs old) he was very troubled by 'DEMONS'. He could hear them, see and even smell them. "It's terrible, I never want to come back to that!!", "I'm too messed up and troubled to be in a relationship", "I don't want to harm you, I care too much about you..." were the things he said... Then he had a crisis again. He was feeling demons around and was very afraid to leave before the morning came! He was like a little child, fearing the smallest sound and move. "There's something evil about you, I've always felt it... Have you done anything very evil in your past?", he told me. I was confused and hurt. How could he ask that, when I'm so peaceful, kind, with love of God and all the good things?! Especially knowing that I was always glowing with happiness ever since I met him... He talked about his mother, about his sad childhood, cried a lot. "I think I've gained a new best friend", he told me with a sweet look in his eyes. Then he promised we will keep in touch as friends.
...............nothing happened for several weeks. I only bumped into a common friend, who received the news with much amazement: "What?! He must be damn stupid to break up with you! All he ever talked about was how great you are! He was obsessing over you, cared about you and said you're the best he ever found!" At this point I was overwhelmed with sadness and confusion... I know that what we had was real! And there is really no explanation to his behavior other than SZ! He wanted to stay friends, yet he ceased all contact. He insisted that I should join the drama club he's in, but was utterly shocked when he eventually saw me there. He cared about me, yet hates me now (although I've stayed away completely!)..... I have the feeling he's acting for me now, just to get me rid of the feelings I have. But honestly, it seems like he's taking a 'revenge' on me, with NO REASON! He took a girl (don't know if she was his real gf or just acting) and kissed her in front of me, and barely said hello. Now, at the drama club, he ignores me, but doesn't realize that he's acting totally strange and showing his frustration to everybody. It's extremely childish, transparent and ridiculous. Well, I am sure he feels extremely uncomfortable because I'm there, in HIS territory, his most beloved place. And I'm smiling, socializing, telling jokes and gaining his colleagues. Now, another blow. He took me off from his friends list in internet. Completely absurd!!!! A scared man wouldn't need to do so much and become an enemy like overnight, with no reason!

I'm extremely confused now, I over-analyze every gesture... I'm exhausted. I've grown hatred and anger inside of me, I can burst out anytime. Please help me get some insight.... I don't know how to act around him! He once told me he's got problems, but then totally rejected the idea! He got mad at me when I suggested that he should see a doctor... and unfortunately I was the closest to him and the only one to see he's troubled...

I thank you so much for reading this!





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