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Relationship Health Message Board

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Melissa, I think you're not seeing it from the same perspective as some of those of us who have been here a long time. More often than not, I'd say 98% of the time, the women who come here and post about their marriage or relationship problems do post that they have tried counseling, they have tried talking to their bf/husband, they have tried all kinds of things and nothing is working, so that's why they end up here. I have yet to see anyone post up here about how great their relationship is going. The nature of this board anyway is to post relationship problems to seek advice for those problems.

Where the anger and frustration comes in, at least on my part, is when I see a woman being blatently taken advantage of, either by her boyfriend or husband, and she sits there blaming herself, taking all of the ownership for the problem, and not seeing that HE is the problem, not her. I get so angry when I see how many women do this daily on here! It really makes me mad! Because I can see it's already too late for these women, their self-esteem and sense of self-worth is already completely in the toilet no thanks to their loser husbands or loser boyfriends who continually day-in, day-out treat them like absolute garbage. And what I want for these women is for them to get angry and take some action and do something for their own good, to assert their power and not to allow some loser guy to get the best of them! I don't care if they're married, because if her husband is treating her like crap, despite her best efforts at saving the marriage, I would never in a million years tell her to stay in that situation.

You're right when you say that life is really short. It's way too short, shorter for some than others. And I don't think it's worth staying in a crappy situation in which someone is constantly beating you down, either with words, actions, or fists - or all of the above - to the detriment of your health and well being. I don't think that just because a woman becomes a wife and a mother that she has to give up her identity as an individual person just for the sake of the marriage. If she is in a marriage in which she is the only one doing the right thing while her husband is off galavanting around with other women being a total idiot then what is her point for staying? And even more so if there are kids involved? Why teach those kids that it's ok for daddy to go off and carouse with other women while mommy stays home and wipes their butts and cooks their food every day? That's not the kind of thing I'd want my kids to think is ok! And for a guy who treats his wife like crap in front of the kids constantly? No way! That's totally not ok!

Instead of coddling these women into telling them it's ok for them to cower to their husbands and be submissive and proper, I want them all to know that it's ok to stand up for what they feel is right and what is fair and they don't have to put up with the mistreatment any longer! And instead of them being scared and unhappy, I want them to get angry because anger is what drives us toward action. I JUST took a class through my workplace about Conflict Communication in which we learned that anger is not always negative, especially in those cases where the anger leads us to take action to right a wrong or to fix something that isn't working. If it means improvement in their lives, let them take some action and make some positive changes in their lives!

I'm not entirely sure but it seems like your view is that a wife should be submissive and accepting of her husband, no matter what. Maybe that mentality worked in the 50's, but this is 2010. We're not in the dark ages anymore and we really need to give women more credit for being their own person and not just a second class citizen at the whim of a husband and children. The whole "in sickness and in health" thing DOES have its limits, and for the most part, these women's situations have far surpassed those limits a long time ago.

And just in answer to your question, no it's not easy to leave, especially when there's kids involved and the woman has nowhere to go. But if all other avenues for trying to save the marriage have been exhausted already, what do you expect her to do? She can't stay in that situation, not if she wants some happiness in her life or if she wants her kids to have any hope for a decent future. What else can she possibly do?

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