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Relationship Health Message Board


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Dear All,

I really need an advice regarding my situation. I am and Divorced Indian women with 9yr old child.I have been divorced for 3yrsnow. Was married for 8 yrs with an Indian in a very controlling and abusive relationship.My divorce happened in San diego. Since my culture is very conservative, It took me a looong time to come out... Finally I am glad I had the courage to tell him I did not want to live with him, and then he filled for an divorce. He wanted to have an 50% custody of the child which I did not agree to and I was given primary physical custody , with some days in betwwen to him. Slowly he moved near a her school where I was working and asked me if he can walk her to school some times as he lives so closeby, for which I said no , but eventually he would do it any way , during that time I had to work very hard to pay my rent , and some times I had to workin the weekends. Bieng from India I hardly knew lot of people to depend on, he said he could watch her sometimes whenI was working on saturdays....Couple of times after that he filed papers in the court that he is soending more time with my daughter, which she is beneficial for her and his cutody should be increased. My ex husband is very manipulative, and had all kind of evidence showing that he is being a good father. At the same time he knew that I was dating a guy from San Jose, who has a bussiness there and a house there through my daughter. After 2yrs of Long distance relationship, when things got very serious , I was time for one of us to move, and If he were to move to San Diego ,he had to loose his house and bussiness. I could easily move coz I had a small job and was getting bettr oppurtunuties in Bay area. The only problem was I did not want to leave my daughter with my ex. As soon as my ex heard that I am planning to move , he filed more papres(without my knowledge) saying that In case I move, he should be the primary custody of the daughter, because the schools are good here she has more freinds here and with all other reasons. I was summer break for my child when I moved, and In spite of talking and explaing to him ,and making good arrangements for my daughter to see him after I move, I got some court papers saying that there is mediationdate and court date I need to attend. In the mediation, all though I mentioned anout the anger issue of my ex, and his abusive behaviour,(police were called once) The mediator inclined to give him The Pimary custodial parent, if I move out ofSan diego. I was left with 2 choices, Live in San Diego and let my ex control my life through my daughter, or move out of San diego start a freshlife with a nice man and fight for my daughter, I choose the 2nd one. I hired a lawyer from san Diego and treid to work with him as much as possible to convince the judge that its better for my Daughter to live in San Jose with visitations to hid dad and tha Iam going to pay for thevisits etc.But the judge ultimately adopted the mediators report and gave Primary custody to the ex.My daughter visits me once in 2weeks and in holidays. I was very disappointed coz I thought the court takes domestic violence seriosly, Some times when I am talking to my daughter I hear him yelling at het and it really bothers me what thelittle one is going through especially knowing what I have gone through for 8yrs.She loves her dad and is very protective towards him. My concerns are his anger issues and past domestic violence. I feel guilty and angry at the same time that all though I came out, Thecourt still gave him the custody. When ever I listen to DV case In TV I get concernrd about my daughter. Can any body has any advice or help for my situation???Iam not from this country so I dont know the law here very well, but Iam concernrd about my daughter.





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