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I worry that i would only end up being hurt again by my mother if i were to call her on her birthday. I thought that i had my mind made up but i'm really just feeling stuck over the whole thing & i really don't know how to handle the situation. Luckily my mom's birthday isn't until the end of the month so this gives me a little more time to think about it. Its really hard because God knows that i love her with all of my heart but it just doesn't seem or feel like she loves me. I have tried for 40+ yrs to show her how much i love & need her but it just seems that things will be ok between us for awhile & then she goes right back to her old mean ways again & for no reason! She loves playing head games & she loves to try to control me.

Its really a very very long story but just to give you an example of what my mom has done to me through out my life, heres just a few very hurtful things that she has done to me through the years, & every time, i forgave her because she is my mother, even though these things ripped my heart out.

1.When i was 13-14 years old our church minister molested me & when i told my mom what happened to me she did nothing & soon there after started having an affair with him herself. I forgave her but it still ripped my heart out.

2. When i was 16 years old my mother had me commited to a insane asylum because i was running away from home alot & she "thought" that i was doing drugs but i was not. While in this place i had weekly counseling with my therapist & after months of therapy i finally admitted to my therapist about being molested & about what my mom had done about it & so at my next family night counseling session, where my mom was present my therapist brought up the molestation & my mom told my therapist that i was lying about the whole thing because she wanted to protect HIM! My mom called me a liar right in front of my therapist & stormed out of her office & left. This devastated me because i spent months working with my therapist before i could reveal this secret to her & now my mom made me look like a liar! But, my therapist was awesome & she looked at me & she said to me "I believe you!".

3. When i was 17 years old i married my first husband & i thought that he & i had a good loving marriage until one day he told me that he was taking me out to my favorite restarant to eat dinner because we needed to talk. While eating he looked at me & just blurted out that he had been having an affair for the past 2 yrs! I asked him with who? I asked him, do i know her? He said "you should, shes your mother!". I immediately got up & ran out to the car & screamed for him to drive me over to my mother's house. I didn't believe him! My mother would NEVER do something like this to me! Yet i wanted to confirm it. We arrive at my mother's house & i go with her into her bedroom, as did he & i asked her if it were true & she said "yes!". I was crushed & devastated!

And i could go on & on of the hurtful, hateful things that she has done to me & put me through but this gives you an idea of how bad it truely is. And believe me, it gets worse. After 40+ years of loving her unconditionally & feeling like i have to beg for her love & recieve her love but only on her terms i just tired of it. The stress & heartache of it all was making me physically sick inside & so back in April of last year i stopped speaking to her. She has tried calling me on several occassions but i wont answer the phone & she has sent many packages of presents & gifts & i still ignore her. Because i know that she has not changed. And its just too hurtful & devastating to go there with her again. It hurts me so very much but its been easier for me to just ignore her. I do sometimes feel like i may regret this one day, if she should pass away because she is 60+ yrs & not in the best of health anymore but i'm just so terrified of being hurt again. So there you have it. Its not pretty but i wanted to share this with you so that you have a better understanding of the situation.

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