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Hi Everybody ! ! !
I want to thank each & every one of you for your replies & for your words of kindness & support. You just don't know how much i truely do appreciate it. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It just really touches my heart that you all would take the time to reply to my post.

Why can't my mother be this kind & caring? Its something that i guess i'll never understand if i live to be 100! I'm 44 now & i just don't understand how a woman that carried me in her womb & nurtured me for 9 mo. could be so cruel & even hateful. Living with a mother like her has not been an easy task! But no matter what she did or said to me to hurt me i still loved her. Isn't it just sad what some people (Me) will do & allow just to feel loved?

It all actually started at a very young age. My mom was not like any other mother i had ever known. She was really strange & off in her thinking & reasoning & i just could never figure her out as to why she behaved the way that she did. It just seemed that she was very paranoid & untrusting. Our family was just so dysfunctional & i & my two brothers noticed this from a very young age & always wondered, what is wrong with her ! ?

For example, my mom would rarely ever let us go outside to play. And on the rare occassions that she did there would be strict conditions & drills before we were ever allowed out of the door. First, my brothers & i would have to nag & beg her for what seemed like hours just to get her to say yes & then once she said yes she would start calling all of us really rotten dirty names that i can not say on here but they were the worst vulger names i had ever heard! My father always had to be home. If he wasn't home my mother did not let us outside. She told us the reason for this was because if we were to get hurt & have to go to the hospital that there would be nobody there to take us since she didnt drive & she also said that she didnt want to have to chase after us if we were to take off on her, whatever that meant. So, dad had to be present.

Next came the drill & the warning. If you kids do anything that you're not supposed to do, take off, go to the neighbors, talk to the neighbors, play in the dirt, go out in the road, go in the back yard, or go past the neighbor's mail box, you will be called in & have your a$$ busted! We were only allowed to go as far as our next door neighbor's mail box, then turn around & come back, on our bikes. We were not allowed to ride our bikes in the road, which was pretty humiliating since our neighbors were only 5 & 6 yrs old & they were allowed out in road & around the block, etc. We could not go anywhere where my mom could not see us, including our own back yard because she said that she couldn't see us back there & because my dads vegetable garden was back there & she didnt want us tearing it up. Why would we do that ? ! It just never made any sense to us.

We couldn't talk to our neighbors because my mom told us that they were all two faced & that she didnt like them & she didnt want us kids blabbing her business to any of them. What business would that be ! ? So, we never had any friends. While everybody else had friends & parties for birthdays & sleep overs & such, we never did! We couldnt even have any friends over if we would have had any friends. All of our neighbors always asked us "whats wrong with your folks?" "Why wont they let you go past the mail box or let yous talk to us"? On several occassions the neighbor parents would come knock on our door & ask my mom if we could go to the park with them & their children, or go to see the fire works, or go to get ice cream, or go to the beach, etc. But my mom always told them no. We always wanted to go soooo bad! We would just cry! Because our parents rarely took us anywhere. We were always locked up inside of the house like hermits. Our neighbors would always tell us that they felt so bad for us. It was so humiliating!

And i always promised myself that if i ever had children that i would never treat them this way & that i would always let them go outside to play in the sunshine. And i kept my promise to myself! I always let my son have friends & sleep overs & go swimming & go bike riding & everything that i was denied as a child. I gave my son guidlines & structure but i also gave him FREEDOM! And lots of LOVE!

My parents never did anything with us. Never went to the movies, swimming, out to eat, family reunions, NOTHING! Why does a person do this? And we had such stupid rules. We couldnt go into the kitchen, we couldn't get into the refridgerator, couldn't go into my parents bedroom, couldnt go outside except for what i previously mentioned. During the hot summer nights we couldnt have our bedroom window open for air, but my parents did, plus they had a fan too!

We were not allowed to get up during the middle of the night to get a drink of water if we woke up hot or thirsty. On several occassions i would wait until my parents were asleep & i would sneak into the kitchen & drink water that was already in a glass that had been just sitting in the sink because i was thirsty & i didn't want my mom to hear me turning the water on.

You all know how children get colds all the time when they are little? Well whenever my brothers or i had colds & we would start coughing at bed time or in the middle of the night my mom would threaten to come into our rooms & whip us if we didnt stop coughing & go to sleep! How do you stop coughing ? Also, at bed time my mother always made us face the wall. Never understood why.

We were only allowed 1 bath per week & made to wear the same clothes for 2 days at a time & we always got teased at school for that. My son takes 2-3 showers a day! Changes his clothes the same! I just dont understand what she was thinking ? !

We never got to go anywhere with them. Whenever they would go grocery shopping they would drop us off at my grandparents house. My grandparents were alot nicer to us & they always let us go outside to play! About the only thing good that i can say about my mom is that she fed us 3 meals a day, even if we were being forced to eat things we didnt like. We always got nice gifts on Christmas, which in my mind, said that she must love us.

I remember growing up & feeling so sad for my dad though because every chance my mom got she was openly & often times right in front of us kids & our neighbors, cheating on my dad. Often times as soon as my dad was out the door & heading for work my moms boyfriend was already parked around the corner & waiting. My mom used to take me with her alot with her & her boyfriend. I never understood why because they would always drop me off at his mother's house & they would leave, i never knew where they went but now that i'm much older, i'm guessing they were going to a hotel. I always felt so bad for my dad because my mom would go in her bedroom & close the door & talk & laugh & carry on, on the telephone with her boyfriend while my dad was home....

I need a break now so i will write more tomorrow. Thanks to everybody whos listening. It feels good to get it out. Thanks again.

My mom always had this thing that she did, that SHE always thought was cute & funny. She was known for it. She called it her "Knucklecracker". She would double up her fist, only leaving her middle finger sticking out, just the knuckle, & hit us kids in the head if we did something or said something that she didn't like. She would also threaten us with it.

I tell you all these things so that you may see exactly why i am having such a hard time deciding if i should call her on her birthday. I've told you alot of what my childhood was like & i'll tell more tomorrow plus into my adult life.





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