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I really just need to vent. I'm not sure if I'm asking a question or what. I just need to write down my feelings and maybe get some different perspectives on the situation.

My stepdaughter is 28 years old. We live in Atlanta and she lives in the L.A. area. She has a 7 year old son and my husband and I have a 9 year old daughter. StepD has never lived on her own. She has always lived with her mother (except for one 8 month period when she lived with us when she was 19.)

The fact of the matter is that I dislike her. I've tried liking her, I really have. I have tried giving her support when she was here and I have often times been on her side if her and her father were arguing about something. I've always wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. The fact of the matter is that it never turns out for the better. She always messes things up. She makes the worst decision in any given situation every single time.

I can give you a few examples just so you know what I'm talking about. She has been fired for stealing from her employer. She stole from us while she was here. She lies when it is easier to tell the truth (a compulsive liar.) She has had several abortions because she can't be bothered with birth control. She hid her pregnancy from everyone and suddenly went into labor. She was 21 at the time, not a teenager. She spends all her money on trivial stuff like cruises and concerts and then can't afford the necessities. Her credit is horrible. (I posted on here a while back about her wanting her father to co-sign on a car.) She has bad hygenine, she doesn't shower regularly. When she lived here she lived like a pig, never did any housework or cleaned up after herself and according to her mother she is still like that.

The worst part for me isn't all of that stuff, I can forgive bad behaviors and I totally believe in second, third, and fourth chances, but the fact that she doesn't seem to be able to connect with anyone in an authentic way. She is very disconnected emotionally. I'm sure that is because her mother is that way too.

She is a smart girl. We have many interests in common like reading non-fiction and we like the same tv shows. Yet, I cannot connect with her on a human level. I don't know exactly how to describe it. She isn't like anyone I've ever come into contact with. It isn't just me either, she doesn't connect with anyone ever at all, even her own child. Everything is just superficial. With her, nothing is real, it is all a facade. If she is saying one thing, you are always wondering what it is really about and you don't find out until much later but you always find out that she was saying one thing when it really meant something different. She's manipulative but she won't just say what she needs, she trys to get what she wants by manipulation rather than just coming out and asking for it.

For the first few years (dh and I have been married for 11 years,) I thought that eventually things would change. That she would grow up, that I could see something human in her. But, it has only gotten more apparent as the years go by that she just isn't capable of a true relationship with anyone at all. She's never even had a long-term boyfriend. So I did what I said that I'd never do and I gave up. Now I feel my mind and my heart going in the opposite direction. I don't want her contaminating my family. I don't want her around.

I have enjoyed the fact that she lives all the way accross the country so that her interference in our lives is a minimum.

Suddenly last week she annouced to dh that she was moving here to the Atlanta area. She wants to find a job here, get her own apartment, start a new life. All that sounds wonderful doesn't it? She will be closer to dh and to her 1/2 sister, rent is cheaper here than in L.A. so she'll finally be able to get out on her own and out from under her mother. It sounds just wonderful. I want to be supportive but if history is the best predictor of future behavior then I am afraid, I am very afraid.

She never earned anything more than low wages. How will she afford to live on her own? She can't, especially with her poor budgeting skills and her lack of credit (how can you rent an apartment with horrible credit?) So she will end up living with us and now it isn't just her but her and her son. She'll tell us that it is tempoary but it won't be. She'll reek havoc in our peaceful lives and suck us dry financially. This is what I am afraid of.

I have flat out told dh that I don't want her living here. He agrees but he can't tell her no if she asks (which she hasn't yet.) I understand that he can't tell her no. No parent wants to deny their child a place to live. If it were my daughter I'm sure that I would feel the same way!

And I do wonder why she has suddenly decided to move here. I ask dh to ask her and she said because she is depressed and moving here will mean freedom. I asked him to ask her what that meant and she said something equally as elusive. She has probably had a big fight with her mother. She has probably gotten in trouble for stealing or something. I know that there is something more behind this decision but I have no way of knowing what it is. When she lived here before she said that she hated it, that there was nothing to do here, L.A. is where there is something always going on, where you can have fun and here it is just boring.

If what she says is true, if she is being honest then I have no problem with any of it. I'm just afraid of the real truth, because with her things are never what they seem.

So, on the one hand I feel like I am being ridiculous, like I am worried about something that hasn't even happened yet. On the other hand every red flag is going off in my heart and soul that says this is bad news for my family.

I would really appreciate your opinions.
I've been in your shoes. My boyfriend of 3.5 years has one daughter who is trouble all of the time. Drugs. Abortions (rather than birth control). Manipulation. Jail. Abusive husband(s) and boyfriends. Constantly lying. Unemployed because she is too lazy too work or job search. And guess who she comes running to whenever she needs something (usually money)? Yep, Daddy.
I realize she is is flesh and blood, but I told him upon moving in with him that I am not OK with her living with us, because I can't have someone who uses drugs and has anger issues around my young daughter.
My boyfriend has since set boundaries with her. He still gives her money, (which is upsetting because he then complains about his own finances) but the good news is that he won't allow her to live with us.
I think your husband has to respect you and your daughter, and not allow the step daughter to impose or interfere too much. Its a touchy, fine line, but its one that your husband has to find and stand by.

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