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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


The only mature way to handle conflicts and concerns in a relationship is to talk them out. No one said for you to flat out ask if he's sleeping with the "chubby" older woman! But you can, in a very mature and calm way, just say to him that you've heard things about this woman tending to sleep around and that it seems strange to you that she wants to hang around him. You don't have to sound accusing and you don't have to call her names or put her down (size 12 is chubby now...I had to laugh at that one, since the "average" American woman is a size 10). But that's irrelevant...you can have a mature conversation about your concerns without sounding whiny, insecure, demanding, jealous or possessive.
I can see the "chubby" comment is bothering some people. I don't think a size 12 is fat, so I said "chubby" because she's chubby compared to me. I didn't say fat, I just didn't know how to I say that I'm more attractive and not jealous? What I'm trying to say is that my boyfriend wouldn't have any serious interest in this woman other than an affair, and I don't think he wants an affair with this woman. I think she's closer to 28 or 30. I've known him for several years and he's liked me for several years, so in the Charles Dianna situation, I would be Camilla to him, not the women who is 10 years older than he is. I'm not a younger women like Dianna to Charles. I'm in his age range, and this women isn't. ;) He's been acting very smitten with me.

So I hope I'm not offending anyone, I'm just trying to explain the situation.

I just don't like it, it's too close for comfort to me. I may ask him, but I'm not sure what to do at this point. I don't want to sound insecure since guy friends give me rides sometimes, but they don't pick up my boyfriend for me and give us a place to stay. :eek:
Well insecure is when you you either bottle it all up, never say anything, and get all whiney and pouty but never give an explanation. Or else when you start complaining and whining all the time and trying to manipulate a situation with all of the whiney behavior. But poking around and giving your stand on a situation is not being insecure. It is being healthy and mature. Now I dont mean to hammer the guy for 11 hours with questions and criticism. But this is how adults handle these situations. Also, the average size of american women is actually a size 14, and honey, size has nothing to do with it. Your behavior right now is much more telling of somebody insecure then it would be if you just talked to him. Then you will have a better feel of the situation and should be able to tell what your next move is. And the Charles and Camilla statement wasn't in relevance to their age......it was about the looks. Best of luck to you!
Melissa
[QUOTE=justmel30;4233995]Well insecure is when you you either bottle it all up, never say anything, and get all whiney and pouty but never give an explanation. Or else when you start complaining and whining all the time and trying to manipulate a situation with all of the whiney behavior. But poking around and giving your stand on a situation is not being insecure. It is being healthy and mature. Now I dont mean to hammer the guy for 11 hours with questions and criticism. But this is how adults handle these situations. Also, the average size of american women is actually a size 14, and honey, size has nothing to do with it. Your behavior right now is much more telling of somebody insecure then it would be if you just talked to him. Then you will have a better feel of the situation and should be able to tell what your next move is. And the Charles and Camilla statement wasn't in relevance to their age......it was about the looks. Best of luck to you!
Melissa[/QUOTE]


Thanks for the info, I think size does have something to do with it when I look at his past girlfriends and the body type he prefers. I'm allowed to say my body is hotter than hers, I'm allowed to feel that way because I'm allowed to be confident right? She shouldn't be doing favors for my young hot boyfriend if she doesn't want a comparison. If she can't handle the heat, she should get out of fire. LOL

I think Camilla was Charles' age, and his young love, even though she wasn't as attractive as Diana, right? Maybe why he likes her? They seem right for one another. That's what I was saying, which is also what I'm saying in my situation.

Maybe a much more "mature" women shouldn't be putting me in this position. Is that really very "mature" of her to do that? Why is she doing it? What's the motivation there?
What my point is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes, a bigger woman who in your opinion is less attractive, actually comes off as a much better catch if she carries herself correctly. It's not all about looks which you will probably learn at some point in time. It's a level of confidence, fun, compatibility, and chemistry that sometimes goes way beyond a persons size or physical physique. You do have a right to be confident but right now your not comming off as confident. Your comming off as very very young and threatened. She may very well be after him, but then again, maybe she just thinks of you two as friends. I certainly wouldn't be inviting the girlfriend of the guy I was after to sleep in my house. As far as a more "mature" woman knowing better then to chase after someone soooooooooooooooooooo young......well I'm sorry. When did 24 become old?!!!!! Sheesh! I just turned 30 and I think I just turned wrinkled and grey while responding to this! She's only3 years older then him......this is not that big of an age gap and she is no that old. Again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Having said all that, like I told you before, just go talk to him and stop with the comparing and criticism and insecure statements. It will not help you any while your attempting to have a mature talk with your boyfriend about what may or may not be going on. Good luck.
Melissa
Yeah, you actually don't sound confident, but scared and insecure. You view this woman as a threat, despite your comments about how much "hotter" you are than her. You are frightened your BF might sleep with this woman and it shows.

I think you can approach it in a mature way. Don't say "why would you ever want to sleep with her, I'm so much hotter than her!" You can just say you are concerned because of her reputation of liking to sleep with younger guys and you'd like it if he didn't spend time alone with her because it makes you uncomfortable. Nothing wrong with saying that.
[QUOTE=justmel30;4234802]What my point is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes, a bigger woman who in your opinion is less attractive, actually comes off as a much better catch if she carries herself correctly. It's not all about looks which you will probably learn at some point in time. It's a level of confidence, fun, compatibility, and chemistry that sometimes goes way beyond a persons size or physical physique. You do have a right to be confident but right now your not comming off as confident. Your comming off as very very young and threatened. She may very well be after him, but then again, maybe she just thinks of you two as friends. I certainly wouldn't be inviting the girlfriend of the guy I was after to sleep in my house. As far as a more "mature" woman knowing better then to chase after someone soooooooooooooooooooo young......well I'm sorry. When did 24 become old?!!!!! Sheesh! I just turned 30 and I think I just turned wrinkled and grey while responding to this! She's only3 years older then him......this is not that big of an age gap and she is no that old. Again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Having said all that, like I told you before, just go talk to him and stop with the comparing and criticism and insecure statements. It will not help you any while your attempting to have a mature talk with your boyfriend about what may or may not be going on. Good luck.
Melissa[/QUOTE]


There's a misunderstanding going on here. I KNOW for a FACT my boyfriend would never date this lady. She is about 30 herself, way older than him and not hot. Hot does have something to do with it to guys who have ONLY dated girls who are mostly on the "hot" side.

Yes, I am worried he could sleep with her, but not out of any type of jealously. I'm totally and completely so NOT jealous of this women. Most girls know guys will sleep with "anything" and that's the problem here.

I could dump him and go out with any number guys trying to go out with me. I don't me to sound conceited. Obviously I would rather it work out with my current guy since I like him and have some feelings for him. My problem is that I don't want to be in a relationship with a guy who is pretending to be friends with a lady, and having his cake and eating it too. So I'm worried about making the correct decision where he is concerned. Of course I'm NOT going to tell him I'm "hotter" . I'm only using those terms to explain the situation and no other reason. I want a guy to like me for me also.

For some reason people treat girls like they're immature and insecure when a guy does something like this. Can't we explain the situation, can't we ask what's going on here? It doesn't mean that we cannot get someone else in an instant and leave the relationship. I'm not clingy, or needy or insecure or any of those things just because I want the right situation for me and I don't know the situation.

If I had to guess, I would say my boyfriend is completely using this lady for a way to see me, and it has nothing to do with her. Do I want a guy who lets an older lady do him favors because her sights are on him? I let guy friends give me rides so how can I say anything? The problem is...... I'm a girl and would not sleep with any guy, but he's a guy so it looks very suspicious if he's letting an older lady give him rides while his car is broke down, because guys will sleep with almost anything.

If this were a competition, I'm winning by land slides. SHE picked ME up for him and let us stay there together. What I'm asking is NOT "Am I winning the competition?". I KNOW I am. What I'm asking is, "Is this a situation that I want?" [B] What's going on here?[/B] Is he having his cake and eating it too and acting innocent about it? Would a women pick up someone's girlfriend for them, if there was anything going on? What's her motivation for doing this?
Lol, I'm still having a lot of trouble understanding why her picking you up and allowing you guys to stay at her house is such a huge problem? You're seriously hilarious, you just don't make any sense! Why would a person extending that kind of hospitality be a bad thing? I think when you get older and more mature, you'll learn to appreciate when people invite you over to hang out, it's what grown-ups do when they get tired of the bar scene. They bring a bottle of wine over to their friends' house and spend the evening hanging out and chatting or having a nice meal or playing board games or something like that. It's actually really relaxing and it's a nice way to spend an evening rather than having to deal with crowds at a bar and spending a ton of money on drinks.

Anyways, even after all of the stuff you've posted, I'm still waiting for you to give me your reasons for why you think he is cheating. You haven't provided any evidence. I really don't care what she has done in the past, but what's your bf done to make you so untrusting of him and so willing to dump him all of the sudden just because a friend of his is giving him rides when his car is broken down? Is it so difficult for you to comprehend the possibility that maybe she just wants to be friends and is therefore being helpful? Don't you ever help your friends when they need some help with something? Why does she automatically have to have an alterior motive when it's entirely possible and likely that she's just genuinely trying to be helpful? Why are you so willing to assume the worst about her - when you don't even know her - and your bf - who I suspect may have done something in the past to make you not trust him or something otherwise none of this makes any sense.

You really need to chill on the "I know I'm hot" thing, too. That kind of bragging seriously comes off as insecure. That's why people keep saying that. Women who are secure and confident and mature don't have to go around saying they're hot because they just know they are and they carry themselves in a confident way. It doesn't need to be said because it's already obvious by how the woman is perceived by people who meet her. I realize that you are still a teenager and a lot of this is lost on you, but you'll find when you get older that a lot more of this will make sense. I didn't get it either when I was your age. But sometime in my late 20s was when I finally understood what people meant when they said that stuff. It's something that will come with life experience.

In the meantime, I think you need to just chill and not make a mountain out of a molehill. I think this entire situation is seriously ridiculous and for you to get this upset over such a trivial matter is completely unnecessary. There's nothing going on here that I can see and unless your bf has cheated on you in the past and that's why you're so mistrusting of him, then there is absolutely no reason to believe he has cheated or is considering cheating on you.

If you want to handle this in a mature way, get to know this woman and be friends with her. You never know, she might be able to teach you a thing or two about life and you will get a new friend out of it. I'm sure if you got to know her, you'd find out she's probably just a nice person and her friendship is genuine. I have major doubts that she is after your bf and it's highly possible that the rumors about her may not even be true. I'd feel pretty stupid if I was making wild assumptions about someone based on rumors that ended up being false. I'd feel bad for jumping to conclusions about someone if that were the case.
[QUOTE]For some reason people treat girls like they're immature and insecure when a guy does something like this.[/QUOTE]

That's not true at all. You are coming across as immature and insecure from what you are saying in your posts.
First of all this other woman is 26, now she's 30? It's like you're trying to convince yourself that the older you make her out to be the less likely it is that your bf would sleep with her.
Then you go on and on about how "hot" you are and how hot she's not, and believe me men and women might have a "type" but plenty end up with people who are so totally different from what they thought they wanted, theres just no guarantee at all.
All this is making you seem immature and insecure.

The other woman is the only one who can tell you what her motives are, and your boyfriend is the only one who can tell you what his intentions are where this woman is concerned.

Either you trust him or you don't. And if you're really that worried then talk to him. Trust and communication are foundations of a good relationship, and if you don't have those then you have more problems than what could just be a lonely woman going through a divorce who needs some friends right now.
I completely agree. Ely4's last post pretty much summed it up. Restless, trying to help you understand the answers to your origional question has been like trying to nail jello to a wall. I really would like for you to calm down, take a deep breath, and try to figure out where you started to spiral with all of this. It's ok to say,"hey, I see this going on, and I'm afraid." That is an honest statement that nobody here would look down at. It's also ok to say you feel insecure, or tell him that the situation doesn't set well with you because of rumor's you have heard. But masking it all with self dilluted fantasies about your own epic superbness is not going to help you in the slightest. At the end of the day, I dont care if she weighs 500 pounds, has one leg, never shaves and talks like a man.........don't ever kid yourself in thinking that you are superior. It's cruel, unfair, and extremely unbecomming. Especially when so far, the only thing she is guilty of is showing you a kindness by bringing your boyfriend over to see you, and giving you guys a place to stay together for a night. However, like everybody has said, if it really bothers you, just talk to your boyfriend about it.





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