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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

I think you're right to be scared for her. This guy sounds like a freak. I'd be scared, too. And your sister sounds unhealthy. Very low self esteem, and not really capable of acting in her own best interest. I think your instincts are right about this guy, and you should listen to them.

On the flip side, she is an adult and no, you cannot make decisions for her. But I don't think you should just let it be when her happiness, even her safety and mental health are on the line here. I think you should tell her just one more time that you are concerned for her. Just tell her what you see, and try not to make any kind of value judgment on HIM if possible. And let her know you will be there for her and you will never say "I told you so" and that if she ever needs help, she can come to you. You're absolutely right. It won't be long before he'll be wanting to see fear and defeat in your sister's eyes. He's exhibiting classic abuser early behavior, trying to separate her from her allies and support system so she'll be easier to control. Without judging, try to get her to see for herself that this guy is not good for her rather than you trying to convince her. Like, he treats her well - well, how? I can understand not getting along with your SO's family, but downright refusing to even look at them or respond with a simple "hi" or "yeah"? Wouldn't she like a guy who could at least make an attempt to get along with her family? Keep us posted on what happens. I'm kind of concerned for her now myself.
[QUOTE=goingdaffy;4246447]If she knows about his posts and internet activity, and she has made the decision to stay with him, there's not anything you can do. I'm not suggesting that you pretend to like him or pretend not to be concerned. What do you think you can do? It seems you are wasting your time because he's the way he is and she has accepted him that way. You need to get your mind on other things because you can't make decisions for her.[/QUOTE]

Again, I kind of think you're reading this as your own situation because your husband's family has hurt you by disliking you and being rude to you. That isn't what I'm trying to do. I feel the guy is dangerous for her. I am worried about her. I didn't know if there was some book I could recommend for her, maybe something I could say to her that would make her understand my concerns. Not that that has to change her mind or make her decision different, but at least I've done what I could. I'm not looking for random meanness because he and I have different ideas about sexuality or religion. I'm not a close minded person and I'm not about that kind of lifestyle. I'm a pediatric nurse, I do animal rescue for a hobby, I'm a mom, I'm about loving my world and the inhabitants of it. It is a rare person I can't find something to like about. But he gives me a chill and this is my sister. I don't want to make a decision for her, I just want her to be safe. I only posted here for a perspective that might help me understand how to help her. One poster was kind enough to recommend a book, so I can get that for her and maybe help her that way. I understand there's maybe nothing I can do. Have you read about that UVA student who was murdered by her boyfriend? People knew, her friends knew, his knew that their relationship was out of control. But nobody did enough or went to the right people because all people of authority (i.e. parents, coaches etc) had no idea. I'm not trying to blame these kids, they are kids and they probably had no clue it would or could go where it did. But I'm grown and I've seen the consequences and I can't sit by and do/say nothing when I'm worried for my sister. I came here just looking for a balanced way to approach and help her, that's all. I don't know if you saw in my first post, this is an almost 30 year old man who talks about taking advantage of underage drunk girls. He talks about how stupid everyone is but him, he's negative about everyone. He's rude to my family. He tries to isolate my sister from family/friends. This isn't a guy I just don't care for his personality or whatever. My sister has been my best friend and she has changed to a point where it is sometimes weird being around her. Anyway,a few people have said things like I'm trying to bust up her relationship/I can't make decisions for her etc... I'm not attempting to make decisions for her and I get that it is her life and ultimately her choices will make up that life. I just want to do my part as her sister and friend to make sure she's safe and happy. And I know her, she has this chronically low self esteem and she accepts less than she deserves. I have also raised her half her life and I feel a responsibility that she is happy and ok. So, again, if all I can do is nothing, I'm open to hearing that. If people have had success with books, videos, support groups, I'm open to that too. I am not looking to make him feel bad or control her life, but I do want her to have someone great who loves her and is faithful to her and respects her. That's all I'm looking for, is how to help her in the best way possible.
[QUOTE=goingdaffy;4247518]I'm very sorry, I didn't know this guy was dangerous, I only thought your family didn't like him. Being a jerk by what he says on the internet is one thing, but trying to control her is a totally different situation. If he has hurt her physically, I can see how you would get involved. Judging him by what he says on the internet? Well, some people say things just to appear tough. I know I would be horrified if I saw every text or internet statement my kids have ever typed. Just because someone says something on the internet, doesn't make it true or doesn't even mean that's how they really feel. He could just be trying to impress.

You mentioned that you raised her half of her life, is she alot younger? I have older siblings that were nearly teenagers when I was born and my older sister especially, is very, very protective of me. She will worry if I don't call her at least once a week! It drives me bananas how she worries, but I always know I have a mother figure if I need one. Be there for your sister, but don't worry so much that it ruins your own health, she has a right to make her own mistakes, even though I know it's hard to watch someone go through unnecessary hurt.[/QUOTE]

You're totally right, and that's where I have to find a middle ground. I'm worried about her and I'm just unsure how to be supportive and yet be sure she knows I think he's something to worry about. I'm sure I drive her bananas too. :) I'm six years older than her and when I was fifteen my Mom fell apart and I have a Navy Dad who wasn't around so I took care of her and my brother. When I started college it interfered with her extracurriculars so I dropped out for a while to take care of her. I eventually went back and got my bachelors but I gave up a lot to be there for her and my brother. I don't mind, I did it because I love them and I want their lives to be amazing. A couple years later I got pregnant and married my boyfriend. He became quite abusive, eventually threatening the life of me and my infant son. Had he not activated my "mama bear" instincts I really think I would have put up with him until he killed me because I just thought that little of myself at that time. That relationship has taken me ten years to start to move past. I don't want that for her. I feel blessed by my life, I have a family I love, a job I love, an incredible son, great friends, dogs that I love, on and on. But I don't want her to struggle like I have.

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