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[QUOTE=violet999;4246269]

I told my partner that he has to choose. Either stay with us... or go with his mother. But that if he goes, he would be out of our lives for good.

How do I let go... and appreciate who he is now?[/QUOTE]

Well alot of people have viewed this, but no one has attempted your thread, so I'll give it a shot.

You should start by not putting ultimatums on your husband in the future, i.e., that if he does such-and-such, he'll never see his child again, etc. It isn't even an option on a legal standpoint, the court system would determine that. That is a very ineffective way of communicating. Threatening someone is not going to get you what you want, it's actually counterproductive, and will push them away eventually. So, now whenever something comes up, you and your husband need to have a frank discussion and each of you need to put all your cards on the table. Not just that, but tell your husband why you feel the way you do and the reasons for your position. If you tell him the logic behind it, it will help him to better understand, rather than just telling him your emotional feelings.

As for what he did to you, I can definitely understand why you are hurt. Even though he never laid a hand on you, verbal/ emotional mistreatment does far more damage than physical abuse ever could.

Sometimes men who are close to their mothers are put in a difficult place when it comes to feuding between their spouse and their mother. A part of him may have felt a bit more loyalty to her at the time and that's why he "didn't stick up for you and the baby". I'm not excusing his behavior, but maybe he felt obligated to stick by her since she birthed and raised him.

As far as how to let go... in your post, I don't think you mentioned that you had forgiven him. If you have not, you need to in order to move on with your lives together. The longer you hang on to your resentment, the deeper your relationship with him will sink. If you don't forgive him eventually, your marriage will not work in the long run.

Try to focus your mind on who he is now and what he does and says now, not what he said/did in the past. If I recall correctly, he has apologized to you and has told you he is going to be true to you now, not his mother. I know those memories are stored in your mind and you'll never forget them, you can't control that. But you can control what you think about. So, think about what he is saying/doing now. You just have to learn to love him as a whole. I know that you say you love him, but you must love him as a whole.

It's good that your husband is caring for the child and attempting to make things work. Perhaps some counseling is in need for the two of you. I hope that this helps in some way.

Blessings to you.
I agree with Justmel.... and I learned this from experience. When you get married, you become a team, and all the other influences, includung blood family, has to come second. For a marriage to work, you have to put each other first. Both you and your husband have allowed your parents to interfere. You both have to put up some boundaries agaist them.

It is just too easy to be influenced by parents opinions, likes and dslikes, etc. Of course, if someone was being abused that is a different story, then family should interfere. But if there is no mistreatment going on, then family really needs to take a back seat to how you treat each other.

My boyfriend and I (together almost 4 years now) have a saying. Its us against the world. Not that we are fighting the world or angry or anything. Its just a way of saying that we are untited together as a team, and we won't let family, friends, or circumstances put a wedge between us. We have to stick together!

To be fair, your husband did choose you and your baby over his mom. I imagine he has been in a very difficult position. He had to choose between his new family and his own mom. Now on top of that, he has to deal with hostility from your family. And even more...negativity from you. Perhaps you might consider what he HAS done for you, instead of dwelling in the past. Otherwise he might feel that you don't respect and appreciate him, and without respect and appreciation a relationship will certainly fail.

Try it.. put aside your hurt from that past. Focus on him in the present. Is he a good provider? Is he a good lover? Does he treat you well? Is he caring? Think and focus on the good in him. When you focus on the positive, the positive grows and the negative fades.

Good luck, and remember...you and he and your baby are family # 1, and with all due respect....everyone else can politely take the back burner!





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