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Gosh, I find your posts so interesting and educational, thanks!

My ex is not BPD (at least, I don't believe he is...he's just a spoiled, selfish, mean person who thinks the world owes him everything he wants and becomes angry when he doesn't get it), but he has some of the behaviors. Funny how you said the 15 year thing...I met him exactly 15 years ago and while we were not in a relationship the whole time (we dated for a few months 11 years ago, had a 5 year split during which we both dated others, yet he spent the entire 5 years trying to get me back, then had a 4 year relationship). He dumped me a year ago and is now in a relationship with someone who ie EXACTLY like him...she is selfish and demanding, they fight constantly(physically...she's given him black eyes and he puts bruises on her regularly) then get back together within hours, they are insanely jealous of one another, they are both extremely controlling...and he loves her like he's never loved anyone else. She is his dream girl and he wants to marry her. I agree that she's perfect for him because their sickness feeds off of one another. Oh, and they both abuse drugs and alcohol, something I would never do. He vowed to me a few years ago that he was determined to find someone just like him, and he did.

It's so liberating being away from him...I actually feel like thanking him for dumping me (I won't actually do it) because I am now out of that miserable situation and can live again. I was hurt when he dumped me, but that was because I'd become so enmeshed in his world that I didn't know how to not be in it anymore. But again, thank God he dumped me because I'd still be there. I feel fantastic now (after stupidly being sad for the first few months!) and I am now seeing someone whom I don't feel the need to rescue, save, pacify, do things and get things for because he likes them (never mind what I like or want!), and I don't feel the need to become enmeshed in his world, because mine's just fine.

Thanks again for the info, it's terrific!
He's using you. He's manipulating you and using you. What he's doing when he's calling you names and insulting you is putting you on the defensive. You don't stop and think "is this true? What evidence is there for this accusation?" because he's offended you, so you start defending yourself. It has taken me a couple bad relationships to pick up on these patterns. I'm a caretaker, so when I hear "please help me" it is next to impossible for me not to. I just found out my husband has been cheating for a very long time and I'm worried about him not having a place to stay, then when he got an apartment i'm worried about him not having the furniture, groceries etc Am I thinking about the fact I never sleep more than a few hours at a time, I'm working tons of overtime to pay off bills he left behind, that I'm trying to guide my son who believed he'd found a father through this intact, that I live off saltines, mt dew and multivitamins? No. I'm worried about the guy who married me, asked to adopt my son and was cheating the entire relationship. What?!? No hon, you owe him nothing. You gave him a chance after he cheated, you're being generous with the furniture. If I was you I would pack my stuff while angry and leave. Tell a few people close to you EXACTLY what he has done to you and put it to paper. Ask those people to hold you accountable for making smart decisions for yourself and if you're tempted to go back talk to them or read what you've written about all the ways he's no good for you. At the point that he's messed with your body enough that you're having blood noses and feeling so worn down you need to get out for your health. If you stay you will just sucked back in. It will never be a good time in his eyes for you to leave. There will always be a few more things you need to do for HIM. It is time to do for you. I would be always polite and respectful of him as a human being so that you have no regrets, by all means pray for him, do what you can. But leave and cut communication. Take care of you, he is not going to. My thoughts are with you, I know you have the strength to do this.
He "cries" to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him, and the focus is on his tears instead of on what he's done to you to make you need to leave him. And it works great, doesn't it? Instead of being angry about the treatment he's given you, you now feel guilty about making him cry!!

Please try to see this for what it is.

PS: And I don't buy for one second that his "illness" is "making" him do these manipulative things. He's doing them because he knows he can get you to do what he wants. Nothing "ill" about that except that it's a piss-poor way to treat someone you supposedly "love".
[QUOTE=simplyD;4305647]I just want to update everyone on my progress, and I am proud to say... I finally packed my bags and left him.. and I want to thank those of you who have helped me through much of this... letting me know that I am not alone.

I took my name off the lease, but let him keep the furniture (to sell) to help him pay the last month's rent. I didn't have to, but I didn't want to leave him hanging... even after all he's done. Needless to say, he threw a tantrum saying that I'm abandoning him and that I never do anything to help him... which is just insane. He was so hostile and and juvenile that I was glad to be rid of him.

I am home now.. with my family.. who has always been so loving and supportive. It makes me wonder why it took me so long to leave. But when I think about it, I know that it was all part of his plan. He isolated me from my family and friends.. anyone who cared about me.. and put all kinds of terrible thoughts into my head... making me feel that I wasn't pretty enough, skinny enough, or just plain worthy of his "love"... even though he was the one lying.. and cheating. In fact, he was so manipulative that I began to believe it.

Relationships like these.. are toxic, and once you get sucked in, it's incredibly hard to leave... especially if you're like me... the kind of person that wants to nurture and help. Don't be fooled by "the good times," because we all know that the "bad times" are just... not worth it... not healthy.

From this relationship, I learned that I need to pay attention to red flags at the beginning of relationships... and not let them make excuses for bad behavior. Basically, I learned that I need to respect myself enough to not let anyone treat me badly. All I can do now is try not to be bitter, and move forward with my life. I know I deserve better. I've known for a long time. I've only been away from him for ONE day... and I can already feel my real self emerging. I can already feel myself healing.. and I can tell you, I am a much better person without him.. a happier person.

For everyone out there that's going through a hard time being with a person with BPD, I know that you keep waiting for this person to change.... and this is because you are a wonderful and compassionate person.. that cares... a little too much at times. When we care about or love someone, we want to believe the best in them. We want to believe that they can be the person we need them to be, but there is a difference between loving the idea of a person... and really loving them for who they are.

Please don't throw your life away.. waiting.. because it is very unlikely that they will wake up one morning and see the light. Take care of yourselves first. Leaving might be one of the hardest things you have to do, but do it... and tell someone that loves and cares about you.. what you're going through. Tell them that you need their help.. and if you live with the person with BPD... and are afraid of that person getting violent, call the police department and ask for an officer to do a "civil stand by"... basically, if you are afraid that it can get violent, an officer will come in and make sure that you are okay while you gather your things. Whatever it takes. The sooner the better. Good luck to you all.

**Just to be clear, I am not saying that all people with BPD are hopeless. I understand that many people with this disorder struggle with themselves incredibly.. and a lot of of the hurt they inflict on others are unintentional. However, I am just sharing my experience... and in my experience, even if the pain they cause is unintentional... it is no less painful.[/QUOTE]

I'm so happy for you. You should be very proud.:D


I wasted 5 years of my life walking on eggshells around my husband just because he could be nice 75% of the time. Our split is so confusing for some people because he seemed so sweet and so charming to them. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde indeed. I now have to listen to my mother tell me that fighting is normal in a marriage and it does not need to end things.

People don't realize these individuals are not capable of normal fighting with rationality and resolution. It's sick, toxic, make you feel insane fighting.

He's been to therapy years ago, but all they did was work on his anger management. They never diagnosed a real disease. It makes me want to pull my hair out when therapists or any doctors just treat the symptoms instead of looking for an underlying issue :mad:

It's VERY important to let someone know the other side of your loved one. I never really told anyone what he could be like because I was so ashamed, confused, and almost in disbelief that he could get SO angry and irrational about seemingly unimportant things.

Nobody believes you when you tell the truth! So instead of supporting you when you end the relationship they will tell you that fighting is normal! Learn better communication! Relationships take work!

His family knew the real him. They were the only ones besides me. He only hurt the ones closest to him.


I need to promote this this this a thousand times this quote!--


[I]Relationships like these.. are toxic, and once you get sucked in, it's incredibly hard to leave... especially if you're like me... the kind of person that wants to nurture and help. Don't be fooled by "the good times," because we all know that the "bad times" are just... not worth it... not healthy. [/I]
[QUOTE=loralei;4305971]I'm so happy for you. You should be very proud.:D


I wasted 5 years of my life walking on eggshells around my husband just because he could be nice 75% of the time. Our split is so confusing for some people because he seemed so sweet and so charming to them. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde indeed. I now have to listen to my mother tell me that fighting is normal in a marriage and it does not need to end things.

People don't realize these individuals are not capable of normal fighting with rationality and resolution. It's sick, toxic, make you feel insane fighting.

He's been to therapy years ago, but all they did was work on his anger management. They never diagnosed a real disease. It makes me want to pull my hair out when therapists or any doctors just treat the symptoms instead of looking for an underlying issue :mad:

It's VERY important to let someone know the other side of your loved one. I never really told anyone what he could be like because I was so ashamed, confused, and almost in disbelief that he could get SO angry and irrational about seemingly unimportant things.

Nobody believes you when you tell the truth! So instead of supporting you when you end the relationship they will tell you that fighting is normal! Learn better communication! Relationships take work!

His family knew the real him. They were the only ones besides me. He only hurt the ones closest to him.


I need to promote this this this a thousand times this quote!--


[I]Relationships like these.. are toxic, and once you get sucked in, it's incredibly hard to leave... especially if you're like me... the kind of person that wants to nurture and help. Don't be fooled by "the good times," because we all know that the "bad times" are just... not worth it... not healthy. [/I][/QUOTE]

I know exactly what you mean. I found myself lying about how great he is... just because I was so ashamed of what people would think of me if they knew the truth... that he treated me horribly. I know it must be hard for others to understand, but in all honesty- you don't owe them an explanation. You know that what you did was right, and I am sure that as time goes on, people will see that you are healthier and happier without him. That should be reason enough for the people that really care about you and your well being to support your decision. Congratulations on starting your new life!
[QUOTE=bg0324;4249507]He's using you. He's manipulating you and using you. What he's doing when he's calling you names and insulting you is putting you on the defensive. You don't stop and think "is this true? What evidence is there for this accusation?" because he's offended you, so you start defending yourself. It has taken me a couple bad relationships to pick up on these patterns. I'm a caretaker, so when I hear "please help me" it is next to impossible for me not to. I just found out my husband has been cheating for a very long time and I'm worried about him not having a place to stay, then when he got an apartment i'm worried about him not having the furniture, groceries etc Am I thinking about the fact I never sleep more than a few hours at a time, I'm working tons of overtime to pay off bills he left behind, that I'm trying to guide my son who believed he'd found a father through this intact, that I live off saltines, mt dew and multivitamins? No. I'm worried about the guy who married me, asked to adopt my son and was cheating the entire relationship. What?!? No hon, you owe him nothing. You gave him a chance after he cheated, you're being generous with the furniture. If I was you I would pack my stuff while angry and leave. Tell a few people close to you EXACTLY what he has done to you and put it to paper. Ask those people to hold you accountable for making smart decisions for yourself and if you're tempted to go back talk to them or read what you've written about all the ways he's no good for you. At the point that he's messed with your body enough that you're having blood noses and feeling so worn down you need to get out for your health. If you stay you will just sucked back in. It will never be a good time in his eyes for you to leave. There will always be a few more things you need to do for HIM. It is time to do for you. I would be always polite and respectful of him as a human being so that you have no regrets, by all means pray for him, do what you can. But leave and cut communication. Take care of you, he is not going to. My thoughts are with you, I know you have the strength to do this.[/QUOTE]

Posts like these are what got me through this mess. Thank you x100.





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