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Thanks everyone for your responses.

I'm in agreement with all of your posts. It definitely makes sense that if I can't choose between these two guys, that neither of them are probably completely right for me.

But I should clear up a couple of misconceptions from justkeeppraying. I have known the old boyfriend for many years, but we really haven't spent any large amount of time together since we broke up back in college - that was 2004, I think. I saw him, in total, for about for or five days combined when we reconnected before/when I moved. And then I saw him for one day during the holidays this past December. It's very difficult to make a decision about someone based on a total of six days together. Those days were all great, but it doesn't really tell me how we're going to be in a long term relationship.

We both have changed, much for the better from my initial impressions. That's another reason why I thought that a relationship now might have a lot of potential. You're right that I don't know if he is still single -- he was when I spoke to him in December/January. But time has passed and it's absolutely possible he has found someone new since then. But on the other hand, I don't think I can stress how strong of a bond we have.

It's the kind of thing where I don't have a lot of doubt that he'd get back together with me, if not immediately, then eventually. Of course I could be wrong, but he has always thought that I was the one for him, even if I've been wishywashy about it. We seem to really understand the way each other thinks. We have very similar backgrounds and family - which was never important to me back in college, but seems to be more important to me the older I get and the more I think about who I want to spend the rest of my life with. We're both really goal oriented people. We don't do the same things, career-wise or even hobby-wise, but our interests kind of come from similar places -- we both love writing, music, arts, etc. We just have different ways of connecting to those things, which is good -- we're not so different that it's difficult to understand each other, but we have enough individuality that we both expand the horizons of the other person.

But I do worry about self-esteem issues that he's had in the past. I worry about the jealousy issues that had been there. I worry that we've had so much back and forth in the past few years that it will be hard for him to get over some of the hurt feelings I've caused him because of it, even if he wants to try.

Another important point worth mentioning might be that I had been on the verge of breaking up with my current boyfriend a couple times before this prior relationship came back into my mind and dreams. It would be easy to say that I'm just using an old flame as a reason to pull away after he didn't want marriage, but I had pulled away sooner. And it wasn't that I had simply considered it but did nothing -- I actually had discussions with my boyfriend about breaking up, telling him I wasn't sure about our relationship since we obviously weren't on the same page about our future. I spend a couple days openly considering it. I didn't end up breaking up with him, but even my boyfriend knows that we've been close to it many times. And when I did break up with him shortly in December, I told him everything - I told him that, in addition to my doubts about us, I had been reconsidering a past relationship that never had closure.

So despite my inability to make a clear decision, I have been very open and honest with all parties about my thoughts. With one exception: Since my boyfriend and I got back together, I haven't mentioned the other guy at all. I haven't told him that I still think about the other guy. I've just been doing my best to try to forget about the other guy, but it's been very difficult to do.

I've mentioned all the good things about my past boyfriend, but there are many great things about my current one. What makes this so difficult is that both guys are really good, kind men who have treated me exceptionally well. My current boyfriend is stable as a rock, which I've always thought was really good for someone like me, who is artsy and creative. While he's surely interested in these things, it's not really what he does at all. He's into science and technology. It can be a good to have such varying interests where you can really learn from each other, but I find it's often hard for us to understand each other. I mean, without being overly specific, what I do for a career sometimes puts him to sleep! That's hard to handle.

Plus, he's not a very social person. I'm not an overly social person either, but I do value my friends, and know the importance of having and cultivating friendships. He has friends from college, but he only sees them a couple times per year. Otherwise, his family is his main form of communication outside our relationship. He definitely has a different kind of relationship with his family than I do with mine. He idolizes his parents and siblings. I've had a very rocky relationship with my family, and my parents are divorced. When I've tried to talk to him a bit about the dynamics of my family, he openly admits that he doesn't really understand it, and that he's not really that comfortable with it. Divorce, in general, is something he's just not comfortable with. So that's another tough thing -- I can't really share with him my life, or vent to him about any issues I'm having with my parents. He just doesn't know how to respond.

But he is very conscientious. He does care about me and makes an effort to go the extra mile for me. We don't argue very much, we're very good about talking through things, even if we don't nearly talk enough about some of our issues.

I find it very difficult to do a side-by-side comparison of these two guys. I don't really care who is better on paper. I just want to be with someone caring and sweet who feels the same big way for me as I do for them.

So maybe neither is the right guy for me. But I would really hate to break up with my current boyfriend and then remember how wonderful he was as soon as I've blown it with him. And I would hate to get back with the other guy, for it to not work out and for us to really hurt each other.

Third option is definitely to break up and not go back to the old guy and just hope something new and better comes along. I definitely don't think that I'll never have another relationship again, or that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I just, I don't know, I feel like I've really lucked out having great relationships and I just don't understand fully why they can't work out. Maybe I'm just holding on too much and need to let go.





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