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No worries at all. It's difficult to put all the details in a condensed explanation, or often to know which details are the most important.

The whole marriage thing rubs me the wrong way too! I did experience a very traumatizing divorce between my parents, and I've sworn to myself that I wouldn't do that to my kids! He hasn't had that at all. His parents definitely don't have the perfect relationship and there are some odd dynamics there too, but basically, they're functional and committed to staying together. He's never experienced just how ugly divorce can be.

When he said he was scared of marriage, he said it was because it's such a huge commitment - it's for life, and that's what he wants. But so do I. That's what I wanted when I thought about marrying him. After what I've been through, I won't marry without being 100% sure about it.

Another thing that's rubbing me in the wrong direction lately is that, obviously, for us to even think about marriage again, we/he wants to to be back in love again. But - as he said - he wants things to be even better than they were before. I just don't know how that's possible! Things were so great with us, and for quite a while! The fact that whatever we were wasn't good enough for marriage really makes me feel like he'll never really want it.

Also, at the time we discussed marriage, he brought up an argument we had recently had. It was a pretty stupid argument, one in which I still feel he was being pretty unfair to me (I took a wrong turn driving and he just couldn't accept that it was a human mistake and that I wasn't trying to "not listen to him" - we rarely argue about this kind of stuff, but I think he was just a little edgy that day. It wasn't even like he made a strong case to me about taking the other direction. In fact, we both thought we were going the right way at first!). He decided that maybe we'd be ready for marriage when I can resolve our issues better! It was kind of like saying, "if you're on good behavior, I'll marry you." All he needed was to have a dash of patience with me and all would have been OK. I do listen, and I've never held back from saying I'm sorry about anything. I make mistakes sometimes - and yes, I absolutely made a wrong turn. But still, I just didn't think he treated me fairly with this, and then was using it as a reason why we're not ready for marriage (putting that blame on me).

So a lot of things feel really off about it.

But I'll never know, really, because I can't find it in myself to feel for him the way I used to. Maybe it's my own past of being a child of divorce, but as soon as he had doubts about marriage, I was ready to get the hell out. The last thing I want to do is marry someone who doesn't feel the same about me!

After experiencing this, however, it could be why I all of a sudden have feelings for this other guy I used to date. He always made it clear that I was the one he wanted to be with forever. In college, I just wasn't ready for that. But now, I could be. I just don't want to get back together with him because he'll give me the security I don't have in my current relationship. That's not enough. I need to know that I will feel the same for him in return, and I just don't know if I will yet. I have a feeling that I won't know until I give it a shot. But maybe my hesitations are telling.

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