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I just joined this board am found this thread:

My boyfriend's 19 YO son is currently in a halfway house, having completed his second rehab. His dad kicked him out for refusing to take a drug test - he was using while "in college" and while home on breaks...wasted over $12,000 his dad paid for college tuition and board and incurred thousands of dollars for various visits to the ER and first rehab at age 17, etc. Now he is trying to convince his dad to let him return home, claiming he just can't find a job, will do so if he is allowed to come home, even though he also lost the car dad had provided due to driving under influence, etc. He even lost his new bike at college (sold for drugs?), so has no transportation. Dad doesn't live near public transportation, so not likely son will find job/be able to get to it if he does if he moves home.

The son has been getting financial help from my BF's mother, in spite of his request to let the son hit bottom. She is laying a guilt trip on my BF that the kid is HIS child and HIS responsibility. I disagree, due to his choice to do drugs, made a choice to refuse testing knowing that would result in being kicked out, and because he is 19 and asserts his age of majority in making his own decisions about most things. His past behavior includes stealing drugs from friends and relatives' medicine cabinets, stealing his dad's credit cards, stealing liquor (dad finally locked up the booze at my suggestion), etc.

I can see my BF is in agony over the situation, and fear that the son will be able to take advantage of his soft heart and talk his way back home, even though his dad has said that's not something he will allow. He has told his son that his way back home is to find work, and show initiative in becoming self-sufficient. He will reimburse him eventually if he gets back into college, etc.

I don't want to be accused of being controlling, but would like words to use to reinforce my BF's position and keep him from folding under the pressure. Also, any words that will help deal with the enabling grandmother? As long as the son is "comfy", having someone else pay the bills, I can't see him being motivated to enter the real world of working for a living. He has a huge sense of entitlement.

I don't like using ultimatums, but would it be advisable to let my BF know that if the son returns home, that he won't be seeing me around there much, if at all?

The son hasn't ever apologized to me for all the hurt and suffering he inflicted on me. No, I'm not a blood relative, but have suffered due to his addiction just the same. He manufactured conflicts to force his dad to choose him, his son, over having me around. Dad feels guilty over a divorce situation...

Thank you in advance for any help and support!

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