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Re: Did I Blow It?
May 26, 2010
Will I, men are pretty simple creatures. They want to be happy and comfortable. Anything that's hard, stessful, uncomfortable, then run from or avoid at any cost.

For whatever reason, this guy needed you for a time, when he was going through something hard, an dnow he doesn't need you anymore. Maybe because you did help him through that difficult time in his life, and now he wants that time in his life behind him, and you are part of that time in his life, so he's ready to move on and be happy and leave all of that behind him, including you. Throwing the baby out with the bathwater? You bet. But men do it every single day. I just don't think men see love the same way women do. Most women believe in "the one," that one man that will make every othe rman int he world disappear. But men don't marry because they found "the one." They marry because they are ready to marry, and they marry whomever they're dating at the time. For men, timing has a lot to do with it. You were just bad timing.

The letter did have a lot of anger in it, yes, understandably, but you really can't get too angry with a man for just being a man. As women, it's our job to understand the nature of men and plan and adjust our actions and reactions accordingly.

I know how hard it is. I went through something very similar once with a man I loved very much, who told me he loved me, swore he'd never leave me, swore he respected me, blah blah blah. Came to find out later he had lied about pretty much everything he told me, and during the course of the relationship there were times when he treated me with a great deal of disrespect, even cruelty. I chalked it up to stress over his economic situation, frustration over this or that, etc. But if you asked him today, he'd tell you he never treated me with anything but the utmost respect and honesty. In fact, he has told people just that. I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to be the very best version of myself for him, and he still said we were just too incompatible, then he turned around and married a woman with exactly all the qualities he said he would never want in a million years. I guess it either just makes it easier for him to believe that he was honest and respectful, or maybe he's managed to actually convince himself of it. I don't know. but no amount of ranting or raving on my part will make him sorry for the choices he made that led to his comfort and happiness. and no amount of bleeding all over him will make him sorry he hurt me. Again, it led to his happiness, so how can he be sorry? Same with your guy. He's past the hurt and ready to move on and has found a lively, lovely, vivacious woman to do that with, a woman who probably would have had nothing to do with him while he was Mr. Sad Sack woa is me my wife cheated and left me boo hoo hoo. He's happy, he's where and with whom he wants to be, and he's not sorry for anything he had to do to get to that happiness. It's just how men work. Men have their male friends, and the woman they end up with, and sometimes their mother, and their daughters are the only women that really mean anything to them. The rest of the women they go through are just warm meat, growth experiences, lessons learned, a place to dump their tension and frustration, etc. That's just men. Once I got that through my head and stopped expecting an apology for how my ex treated me, I was much more at peace. If I had been smarter about men, he never would have been able to hurt me like he did. I would have been smart enough to not let him. But I learned a great deal from the experience. And you will too if you choose to.

There is a nice man out there somewhere who is ready to be in a healthy relationship, who will appreciate what you bring to the table, as long as what you bring is your most secure, strongest, happiest self with as little baggage from this guy as possible, and as long as you realize that loving a man with all your heart, making sacrifices for his benefit and giving him all you have does NOT obligate him to love you back, and will not guarantee that he will. This guy was just a lesson learned, a growth experience for you. So learn whatever lessons there are to learn and move on. Good luck to you.

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