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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

Re: Angry boyfriend
May 30, 2010
Sounds like he's got some fairly significant anger management issues. They are for him to deal with.I really would NOT recommend getting into the habit of thinking "what did I do?? Is it me??" You do not control his emotions and how he deals with them, he does, and no one else. This is not a problem that you can fix. It's all him.

I agree, it would be wise to put off moving in with him while he continues to behave this way. I suppose it could be something at work, or a family issue that he hasn't discussed with you, but I suspect the other posters are right, that this is just who he is and he's comfortable enough with you now to drop the honeymoon good behavior. Be thankful you found out now before you did move in or worse yet, said I do.
Re: Angry boyfriend
May 30, 2010
I agree, don't move in with him. At the very least, he will continue to be angry all the time and continue to break things. More likely, his anger will escalate, and he will break your things, possibly become abusive, and definitely drain the life out of you.

If you want to help him, he needs an appointment with his doctor to rule out medical causes of his increasing anger and he needs therapy. If there are ANY addiction issues (drinking, drugs, gambling, smoking, excessive spending, etc.), he needs to join a 12-step program.

What you should do is refuse to tolerate the anger, tell him you care about him but he needs help, help him go to the doctor and therapist/therapy programs that he needs, and be a friend. But don't just take the anger (which is a form of emotional abuse) and accept it, because that only hurts you. And it won't help him change.

Realize that overcoming anger problems takes a lot of time. It often requires therapy, medication, and spiritual practice (such as prayer, meditation, self-help books and programs, forgiveness, etc.) and it takes a long time.
So please don't move in with him until this is all resolved--could be a few years, and that's if he realizes he has a problem and works to fix it.

If it becomes too difficult for you, it's okay to talk to a therapist yourself. And it's definitely okay for you to walk away from the relationship.

Put yourself, your happiness, and your safety first.

PS: No, it's not your fault, no matter what he might say or do. It's nothing you did-- it's his inability to deal with negative feelings appropriately. Not sure what his issue is-- unhappiness with his work, family, friends, or what? But there are healthy ways to change your life, and uncontrolled anger isn't one of them. If he feels a lot of anger, he needs to learn how to express it in a positive way. He needs to learn new strategies. It's true that this will be completely up to him, and it's not your fault in any way.
Re: Angry boyfriend
May 30, 2010
[QUOTE=DesertMeow;4256048] If you want to help him, he needs an appointment with his doctor to rule out medical causes of his increasing anger and he needs therapy. [/QUOTE]

He doesn't have a medical problem, the guy is just a total jerk. It's not up to you to ensure he gets medical treatment but it IS up to you to get out of this mess before this escalates to something worse than just some broken plates or something.
Re: Angry boyfriend
May 31, 2010
[QUOTE=hunnypie042608;4256468]I know he's having some problems at work. He works in a paper mill and its swing shift. His relief is constantly calling off so instead of his normal 8 hour shift, he works 12-16 hour shifts. I don't want to leave him because he's got nobody else. He doesnt have a close relationship with his mom and his father is too much of a pussy to stand up to my boyfriends mother. She's constantly on him about something or other, even though he doesn't live in her house. His anger usually surrounds work and driving. He has road rage.

How Can I help him through his anger? I don't want to turn my back on him like everyone else has.[/QUOTE]

You said he's having problems at his job. With most people.....(i.e. those who do not have issues with anger management)...they come home, tell their significant other all about the perrils of their workday, and end it with a, "man it's good to be home." They dont throw things, kick things, break things, etc.

Second you said he has nobody who is close to him.....honestly? He has no friends, or family who are close? Normally, there is a reason for that....and it isn't that everyone else is so gosh darn mean. This should tell you something.

Then you said his dad is too much of a wimp to stand up to his mom. There is another way to look at it....maybe he's too much of a wimp to stand up to his son....or both! Who knows, maybe his mom was the very beginning root to his anger issues. It matters not today however! She could die and it wouldn't change the person he is. He has to. He's an adult now and has created his own life patterns and there isn't room for blaming anyone else for them, any longer.

You said that you dont want to leave him like everyone else. If you stay, you will not get through to him. You are setting yourself up for a very long journey down a very dark and scary path.

Now, here's something you CAN do. You really want to help him? I'm assuming your intelligent enough to know that the person has to want help, and be willing to get it. So suggest to him that you think he may have a problem with anger management! Suggest that you think he needs help! If he say's yes, ok, I will get some help....then GREAT! The two of you maybe could even go together! If he denies there is a problem however, again, you have just done all you can do. And that one single action ought to be enough for you to wake up and realize, YOU CANT SAVE HIM! On the flip side to this......maybe just the thought of telling him he needs help is sooooooo scary you wont do it. Maybe you are terrified of making him angry and setting him off. If that's the case, that ought to tell you something too! But no matter what, you should know that in a healthy relationship, it is ok to bring things up to your partner, and there should never be fear of how angry they are going to get.
Re: Angry boyfriend
May 31, 2010
[QUOTE=hunnypie042608;4256468] I don't want to leave him because he's got nobody else. ... I don't want to turn my back on him like everyone else has.[/QUOTE]

When you're dealing with someone like him, there's a reason why he has no friends or anyone else in his life he can count on. It's because all of those other people who used to be there got wise to his anger and decided they were not going to put up with it anymore. That's a really bad sign, the fact that he has no friends or family behind him. It means this has been an ongoing problem for a really long time. It also means that no matter what you do, you aren't going to be able to fix it.

You can't change this. You're not going to be able to help him manage anything. Besides, it's not your responsibility, it's his. He needs to get his act together but first he needs to admit he has a problem. I can already tell by what you have posted that he won't admit it, so it looks like you're at a stalemate. Unless you do the smart thing and get out of this now.
Him and I had a really long talk lastnight and this morning he called me from work and said he realized that he had made a huge mistake and our relationship problems were all his fault. He admitted he had an anger problem and he promised he would seek anger management counciling. I told him that if he followed through with this we could try to make it work but the first time he lashes out and misses an appt or anything I was done. I do love him and I Know he loves me. I won't move in, but I will get him the benefit of the doubt. He promised that he would follow through with this and change.

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