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Angry boyfriend
May 30, 2010
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now. At first things were great, he was happy and seemed to get along with every one. Lately though it seems, the last six or seven months that he is angry ALL the time. It seems he gets angry even over the smallest of things. He comes home from work grumpy, when he's driving and even if we take too long at the grocery store. We've spent a lot of money in replacing things he's punched or kicked when he's angry. He's never hit me but he does yell a lot. He wants me to move in with him full time but I'm not 100% sure its a good idea.

Why is he so angry? Is it something I've said or did? and Is it worth sticking out?
Re: Angry boyfriend
May 30, 2010
I think what you are seeing right now is the tip of the iceberg. He probably was just really good at hiding it during the honey moon stage, but as time goes on....it's getting harder and harder for him to keep this all bottled up while your around. I think it's only a matter of time before he hits you....and even then, I dont think that's the worst he will do! I would not move in with this man....in fact, I would break up with him a.s.a.p.!

In short....people who hit and break things out of anger eventually hit people out of anger! Dont be stupid.....get away from him!
Re: Angry boyfriend
May 30, 2010
He is showing you who he really is now. If you move in with him, things will get a lot worse. If you're smart, you won't move in with him. I wouldn't even stay with him at this point, he sounds totally unstable and capable of violence.
Re: Angry boyfriend
May 30, 2010
Sounds like he's got some fairly significant anger management issues. They are for him to deal with.I really would NOT recommend getting into the habit of thinking "what did I do?? Is it me??" You do not control his emotions and how he deals with them, he does, and no one else. This is not a problem that you can fix. It's all him.

I agree, it would be wise to put off moving in with him while he continues to behave this way. I suppose it could be something at work, or a family issue that he hasn't discussed with you, but I suspect the other posters are right, that this is just who he is and he's comfortable enough with you now to drop the honeymoon good behavior. Be thankful you found out now before you did move in or worse yet, said I do.
Re: Angry boyfriend
May 30, 2010
I agree, don't move in with him. At the very least, he will continue to be angry all the time and continue to break things. More likely, his anger will escalate, and he will break your things, possibly become abusive, and definitely drain the life out of you.

If you want to help him, he needs an appointment with his doctor to rule out medical causes of his increasing anger and he needs therapy. If there are ANY addiction issues (drinking, drugs, gambling, smoking, excessive spending, etc.), he needs to join a 12-step program.

What you should do is refuse to tolerate the anger, tell him you care about him but he needs help, help him go to the doctor and therapist/therapy programs that he needs, and be a friend. But don't just take the anger (which is a form of emotional abuse) and accept it, because that only hurts you. And it won't help him change.

Realize that overcoming anger problems takes a lot of time. It often requires therapy, medication, and spiritual practice (such as prayer, meditation, self-help books and programs, forgiveness, etc.) and it takes a long time.
So please don't move in with him until this is all resolved--could be a few years, and that's if he realizes he has a problem and works to fix it.

If it becomes too difficult for you, it's okay to talk to a therapist yourself. And it's definitely okay for you to walk away from the relationship.

Put yourself, your happiness, and your safety first.

PS: No, it's not your fault, no matter what he might say or do. It's nothing you did-- it's his inability to deal with negative feelings appropriately. Not sure what his issue is-- unhappiness with his work, family, friends, or what? But there are healthy ways to change your life, and uncontrolled anger isn't one of them. If he feels a lot of anger, he needs to learn how to express it in a positive way. He needs to learn new strategies. It's true that this will be completely up to him, and it's not your fault in any way.
Re: Angry boyfriend
May 30, 2010
[QUOTE=DesertMeow;4256048] If you want to help him, he needs an appointment with his doctor to rule out medical causes of his increasing anger and he needs therapy. [/QUOTE]

He doesn't have a medical problem, the guy is just a total jerk. It's not up to you to ensure he gets medical treatment but it IS up to you to get out of this mess before this escalates to something worse than just some broken plates or something.
Re: Angry boyfriend
May 31, 2010
I know he's having some problems at work. He works in a paper mill and its swing shift. His relief is constantly calling off so instead of his normal 8 hour shift, he works 12-16 hour shifts. I don't want to leave him because he's got nobody else. He doesnt have a close relationship with his mom and his father is too much of a pussy to stand up to my boyfriends mother. She's constantly on him about something or other, even though he doesn't live in her house. His anger usually surrounds work and driving. He has road rage.

How Can I help him through his anger? I don't want to turn my back on him like everyone else has.
Re: Angry boyfriend
May 31, 2010
That's the thing, hunniepie. You CAN'T help him through his anger. You can't control another person's actions or emotions. Only he can help himself with his anger, and he has to want to. I think the only thing you can do is not put up with it. that doesn't mean breaking up with him, but it means when he starts yelling at you or when he starts throwing things, just walk away, telling him you will not be around him when he acts like that. You can reduce the time you have to spend with him in the car if at all possible and tell him his road rage concerns you.

But as long as he continues to get what he wants by raging and suffers no consequence for doing it, then there's no reason for him to change. Despite what the fairy tales told us when we were little girls, the pure, loving heart of a good woman does NOT change a beast into a prince. You need to either start letting him know that his behavior is no longer accpetable, no matter what's going on at work or with his mother, and you will no longer allow him to take his frustration out on you, or just get used to the way things are, which I don't recommend. But there is no magic formula, no secret trick that you can start using that will miraculously make him a mature, emotionally healthy guy.
Re: Angry boyfriend
May 31, 2010
[QUOTE=hunnypie042608;4256468]I know he's having some problems at work. He works in a paper mill and its swing shift. His relief is constantly calling off so instead of his normal 8 hour shift, he works 12-16 hour shifts. I don't want to leave him because he's got nobody else. He doesnt have a close relationship with his mom and his father is too much of a pussy to stand up to my boyfriends mother. She's constantly on him about something or other, even though he doesn't live in her house. His anger usually surrounds work and driving. He has road rage.

How Can I help him through his anger? I don't want to turn my back on him like everyone else has.[/QUOTE]

You said he's having problems at his job. With most people.....(i.e. those who do not have issues with anger management)...they come home, tell their significant other all about the perrils of their workday, and end it with a, "man it's good to be home." They dont throw things, kick things, break things, etc.

Second you said he has nobody who is close to him.....honestly? He has no friends, or family who are close? Normally, there is a reason for that....and it isn't that everyone else is so gosh darn mean. This should tell you something.

Then you said his dad is too much of a wimp to stand up to his mom. There is another way to look at it....maybe he's too much of a wimp to stand up to his son....or both! Who knows, maybe his mom was the very beginning root to his anger issues. It matters not today however! She could die and it wouldn't change the person he is. He has to. He's an adult now and has created his own life patterns and there isn't room for blaming anyone else for them, any longer.

You said that you dont want to leave him like everyone else. If you stay, you will not get through to him. You are setting yourself up for a very long journey down a very dark and scary path.

Now, here's something you CAN do. You really want to help him? I'm assuming your intelligent enough to know that the person has to want help, and be willing to get it. So suggest to him that you think he may have a problem with anger management! Suggest that you think he needs help! If he say's yes, ok, I will get some help....then GREAT! The two of you maybe could even go together! If he denies there is a problem however, again, you have just done all you can do. And that one single action ought to be enough for you to wake up and realize, YOU CANT SAVE HIM! On the flip side to this......maybe just the thought of telling him he needs help is sooooooo scary you wont do it. Maybe you are terrified of making him angry and setting him off. If that's the case, that ought to tell you something too! But no matter what, you should know that in a healthy relationship, it is ok to bring things up to your partner, and there should never be fear of how angry they are going to get.
Re: Angry boyfriend
May 31, 2010
[QUOTE=hunnypie042608;4256468] I don't want to leave him because he's got nobody else. ... I don't want to turn my back on him like everyone else has.[/QUOTE]

When you're dealing with someone like him, there's a reason why he has no friends or anyone else in his life he can count on. It's because all of those other people who used to be there got wise to his anger and decided they were not going to put up with it anymore. That's a really bad sign, the fact that he has no friends or family behind him. It means this has been an ongoing problem for a really long time. It also means that no matter what you do, you aren't going to be able to fix it.

You can't change this. You're not going to be able to help him manage anything. Besides, it's not your responsibility, it's his. He needs to get his act together but first he needs to admit he has a problem. I can already tell by what you have posted that he won't admit it, so it looks like you're at a stalemate. Unless you do the smart thing and get out of this now.
you can't help him, you can only save yourself.....
get out before you have a black eye, broken nose, cracked head, or worse.
angry men don't change
Him and I had a really long talk lastnight and this morning he called me from work and said he realized that he had made a huge mistake and our relationship problems were all his fault. He admitted he had an anger problem and he promised he would seek anger management counciling. I told him that if he followed through with this we could try to make it work but the first time he lashes out and misses an appt or anything I was done. I do love him and I Know he loves me. I won't move in, but I will get him the benefit of the doubt. He promised that he would follow through with this and change.
hunney....they talk a good game, they're manipulative. They will say whatever it will take to get them their desired end result (in this case, you not leaving him). I've heard it all before, and I've believed it myself, and it got thrown back in my face. I hope you stick to your guns about being done if he slacks off. I hope he shapes up, but I'm not holding my breath, but I wish you the best. It would be nice if he realized he was wrong, went for help, and actually ended up a better person, but please don't bet your life on it.
That's a good plan huney, and a plan you should stick to before even considering moving in. Does he have an appointment scheduled yet?
mmmmmmhmmmmmm...........................and the next time he freaks out and gets angry, if you even bring this up once, he will say that he allready appologized, to stop bringing up old stuff! Honestly, this is like reading the script to a tired movie! Everyone here just about can tell you what will happen next. I hope like crazy I'm wrong.
[QUOTE=hunnypie042608;4255975]I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now. At first things were great, he was happy and seemed to get along with every one. Lately though it seems, the last six or seven months that he is angry ALL the time. It seems he gets angry even over the smallest of things. He comes home from work grumpy, when he's driving and even if we take too long at the grocery store. We've spent a lot of money in replacing things he's punched or kicked when he's angry. He's never hit me but he does yell a lot. He wants me to move in with him full time but I'm not 100% sure its a good idea.

Why is he so angry? Is it something I've said or did? and Is it worth sticking out?[/QUOTE]

Hi HunnyPie, Why do you think you don't think it's a good idea? That's your intuition telling you to not move in with him! Listen to yourself and if it's not a 100%, then there is a good reason!!!! I would seriously think about not moving in and subjecting yourself to this kind of abuse. I was verbally abused, and when I stopped enabling him and standing up for myself and tried to better myself without his permission, he got physically abusive, since he could not control me. One of the most important things that I learned from an abuse group was that it is not my fault. When I see you saying what have you done, and blaming yourself, it sounds like you think you are the cause. Any time he is OUT OF CONTROL and he is ANGRY, it is HIS CHOICE to be that way. He is the one who needs to learn to behave in a more positive way. Why you would want to be around this 24/7 ? is a question that you need to ask yourself. Do you think that you could survive this for years? Do you think if you had children, that you would want them to be subjected to this abuse? And it will escalate, usually if you decide that you don't want to be treated this way, so be careful if you decide to end it. If there is something that is making him angry, then he will need to deal with it, and you should not make it your problem. He needs to get help and you need to decide what you want to do.

I invested 7 years and 2 children into my relationship and when it ended, it was hell. He tried to have the children taken away from me, and he could not because I was not a bad mother. He did get joint physical custody and we had to have the police there during every exchange. He abused my son and it continued until my son was 16 and decided not to go to his dad's anymore. It was a living hell, and the courts are not designed to help with abuse. So please really think about what you want. And then get the help you need in making that decision. What do your friends say? Or do you not have friends anymore because of him? Does he isolate you? Does he put you down and hurt your self esteem? Does he blame you for everything? Dig deep and you will find that it is not love that you have for him, because you can't love someone who is angry all the time and takes it out on you. Find a good support group/abuse counseling, because what you are going through is abuse. Think about living in the trenches for 30 - 40 years or more if you decide to stick it out. Can you survive it?

I pray that you will be able to break away and get help and counseling and build yourself back up and to be happy again. No one needs this kind of relationship. Think about if you move in with him, he's got you where you won't be able to get out easily. Forget the 2 years and think about the rest of your life and how you want to live it and what kind of people you want to be around. Get a move on Hunny, and keep going! You can do it!!!! But please make sure that you are safe... the abuse groups can help you with this too. Make sure that you contact them and even join a support group, but don't do it alone, you need to make sure that you are safe.
[QUOTE=hunnypie042608;4256468]I don't want to turn my back on him like everyone else has.[/QUOTE]This is the huge red flag for me. What makes you think everyone else has? If it is true, then there has to be a reason. If you only say this because he has told you that everyone has turned their back on him, then he is trying to manipulate him. Either scenario stinks.

You don't want to get caught up in a situation like that where you're only staying because you don't want to be another person who abandons him (i.e. if you stick it out, you are somehow 'better'). There are some situations where you have to admit defeat and get out. Being guilted into staying is soooo unhealthy.

It's good to hear you are at least not moving in with him.
Read why does he do that? by lundy bancroft. Tremendously huge eye opener for me, as I have done that too. (wanted to stay and care for a man who "no one else will.") That is a falsehood he is telling you to get you to feel sorry for him and to get you to try harder to be better than the others before you. You can't be. Everyone leaves because he is abusive and they get out.





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