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Dear Reader,

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope that sharing my story with you will lead to the kind of advice I am looking for. I have tried talking to friends, but they just do not know what advice to give me.

I would like to tell you, that I am seriously in a bad state emotionally, in that there are a lot of confused emotions that I have. I am just looking for the advice of someone who is knowledgeable and/or experienced in a similar situation. So, its a complicated story, so, i really hope that I write clearly enough so that everything is clearly understood.

I would like to explain somethings about myself, that may be able to give you an idea of who I am.I think It would be good if you had a good idea of who I am.

I am 38 years old man, since January. I come from a very dysfunctional family with a history of neglect, abuse and alienation. This is important to mention because, one, i feel like at my age, the chances that I will have a family of my own are becoming more less likely. I know that the bad experiences I have had while growing up affect my relationships with women as an adult. So, here is my situation. I reallise this as well, that it would be best to seek professional psychological help or go into therapy, but it is 100 per cent completely impossible for me to do . I think i actually suffer from, obsessive love disorder, the kind of life experience I have endured and my behavior, indicates this. The abuse i suffered, was coming from a broken family, being violently abused and also sexual abuse at two different periods in my life, one as a child of 5 years old and another period of abuse occured when i was away at military school when i was 12. my family is broken and being the child, who is exactly in the middle of, two older sisters, the oldest not having the same father as me and two younger half brothers my fathers second marriage. I was lost in the shuffle it seems. I was very neglected by my mother and she abused me physically and emotionally in ways that i can not describe, as it is too painful to go over with you. I do not have a relationship with my father or his family that is very nice at all. When i bring up the issue of my abuse, no one is willing to talk about it, everyone is in denial of it, except for me. this is really difficult as well.

i am an artist. I live outside the norm and am a very unique individual. i love the person i am, and although my life is difficult, i do my best to live a good and happy life. i am generous, helpful and strive for the best for myself. i like to enjoy the party, but i am not addicted to drugs or alcohol. but have had bad experiences in my life due to drugs and alcohol, but this is normal. i am compulsive, but learned my lessons, and do not put myself in harms way anymore, due to my compulsive behavior, i am not perfect in this, but i am definitely a lot better than i have been in the past.

In September of 2008, after being in communication with a woman, whom i met and communicated with over the internet. I decided to come to Paris, France from Brooklyn, New York to be with her in a romantic sense. Prior to being in touch with her, I had not been in a relationship with a woman,for about 4 -5 years. The last relationship I had, before deciding to give this one a chance, ended badly. There was cheating involved , and honestly, it is always every situation with a woman i have had a relationship with, since i was 15, involved the girl or woman cheating on me. this always caused me a great deal of pain and suffering.

So, after taking a huge chance on a woman i knew only in ways and not in person, I came to Paris, to be with her. This did not work out at all. Everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong. I am over that, even though i had a lot of belief at the time, that it was going to work out, i was really depressed over that, and decided to stay in Europe, but after one month of being in Paris, i decided to move to Berlin. I love Berlin. It is the perfect place for me.

Well, When i moved from Paris to Berlin, when I arrived in Berlin, I went through a really bad depression, I look back on it now, and think i was kind of foolish. Whatever the case, it happened and its over, and i learned a lot from that experience. I live in a pretty famous place in Berlin, it is a very large community house that has been there for 20 years. It is a really alternative place and its really cool, i like living there very much. Well, after living in Berlin, although i never had the intent to go back to Paris, due to a lot of reasons, some good, some bad, some just necessary, like my job, i had to go back to Paris. This woman in Paris and I, at the time had some unresolved financial matters between us, i had been using her european bank account in order for my job to pay me. My employer made some huge mistakes and still continued to pay me, on her account after i made all the arangements so that this would not happen. I actually wanted to try to be adult and friends with this woman, even though she really treated me horribly, but she was not being cooperative, and i asked for her to give me the money that was being paid on her account, from my job. She refused.She also refused my friendship. It was just a horrible story. So, one day, in February, her and i were exchanging some emails, about this issue.She was just being so rude and uncooperative, that I had gotten to the point where i just had given up on thinking her and i were going to be able to work anything out. I remember having left the internet café that day an going back to the place where i was staying in Paris, and just like a huge ball of energy inside me, all the emotions and all the feelings i was going through at the time seemed to be be just released from within me into the energy of the universe, its hard to explain, but i had just reallised a great moment of clarity about the reality of the situation and felt at a certain peace within myself and at the same time, i remember feeling like i was just giving myself over to whatever it is that creates everything,i dont believe in god, but for arguments sake, lets just say i felt like i was speaking with god in this moment, and i said with my soul, as if though i was asking the universe for the one and only true thing that i really ever want in this life, is to find a woman, who can be my lover and my friend my companion to share the rest of my life with, i remember very clearly having this thought and experience and in my heart saying, "this is all that i truely want, and to never have to experience this pain that i had just gone through." For some reason, even though everything was really just sad and difficult for me at the time, i felt at a certain peace, because something just made me reallise, that one day this is going to happen, and to not worry. To be strong and have confidence.

So, that day i went back to the place where i was staying, although things were really difficult, it was the case, that the people i was staying with were going to have a really cool party, in any other state of mind, i would have refused to even go, but i said, yes, i would go and make the best of my time and get over being sad about the situation with this girl i was having, i put myself in positive mode.

well,this very night, i was at the party,enjoying myself,good music and a good time,i noticed a woman,i thought immediately she was very attractive and i worked up the courage to speak with her, we hit it off right at the start, and in our conversation, it came up that i was visiting Paris but living in Berlin,she told me she also used to live in Berlin 10 years ago. Well,as it turned out, when she was living in Berlin that she used to live in the same exact place where i was living. I took this as a really huge sign, and also that night, she spent the night with me at the party, it ended up that she knew people that i also knew, and we we also have a lot of the same interest and when the night ended, she came to my room ,and we spent the rest of that night and next morning making love. it was really nice lovemaking and it was just as if though it was a wish come true.

The next day, which just happened to be valentines day, i left the place where i was staying to go with her. we just had the best time, and we continued to have a really intense moments in sharing things and amazing sex.

well, this lasted for a few weeks, and if anything it was the very first time in my life i had ever met someone and felt so strongly about it fom the start. we really just connected on every good way imagineable. it was just great. but, i had to leave Paris to work in Brussels but we made plans to see eachother in the summer in Berlin and work together on a project.

i actually went to brussels, then came back to Paris for a short time with the plan of going to the south of france soon after, then from the south of france, i would be going back to Berlin.

but, the woman who i had been involved with before somehow got involved with my life again because of the money issue was still going on unfortunately, and to just make a long story short, the woman who i was now with, had gotten a strange phone call because of the other girl, and felt really akward about getting involved in a situation that had nothing to do with her, i think it really put her off, and it put a negative energy on our otherwise really nice time.

so,when i left to Berlin from Paris this time, her and i were on a more of, lets take it easy and be on lets see how it goes, we didnt plan to see eachother again until the summer in Berlin.

well, i didnt take it easy, i really was having a hard time being away from her and put too much pressure on her, so she told me, lets just be friends, i agreed, thinking that when she came to berlin that we would work things out, and that did not happen exactly.

that was almost a year ago, her and i are still in touch, i have been in Paris of and on since she came to berlin. and ,well now, i am back in Paris for a few months, and i think i am about to really lose her completely, and i dont want that to happen.

i do not see her as often as i would like to, and feel like sometimes i am trying to hard , even though i promised i would be friends and see how it goes, she told me she dosent want to be my lover , she said this, i have honestly fallen in love with her, but she said, she does not love me, that she likes me, but that she belives even our friendship is going to take time to really grow and she is right.

so, there are a lot of details , and we really are starting to get to eachother ...the one thing i am really afraid of, is her finding a new boyfriend, i am completely paranoid about this, because she said to me that yes i should be prepared for that, but its going to happen eventually and also that she likes to have sex, she enjoys it, but cant do that with me because i am too complicated. so, her and i havent been initmate for more than a year, when we see eachother we always have the best time. a few nights it seemed that it would just be ok for me to sleep with her in her place, but she has refused to do this, and i respect that and never put any pressure on her for that. its really confusing to me, because she has said, that she is interested in being my friend, that she needs her time to be with her friends and to make her life and i try to respect that, but lately, i never see her, and i send her some emails to invite her out, but for the last 2 months i have heard no a lot of times n,o. so, this was our last conversation on the phone, she said, that she likes me, she dosent want to lose me as a friend, but i need to give her space and be a friend to her, i agreed i would and told her that i wouldnt bother her that i would just wait for her to contact me when she felt that it would be a good time for us to see eachother.

in the meantime, i miss her, i am really paranoid that she is spending time with some other men to make a relationship, but, she told me she doses not have a boyfriend right now.

but, i get paranoid and think she is not telling me everything because she is afraid it will really hurt me or that i might judge her, which in my heart is not what i want to do. i promised her to be a friend, but she knows that i honestly love her very much, she said that she knows, and that its nice for her, but i need to not be so much on her, wanting to see her at every free moment that she might have, that i am making her afraid of me and well .... i do not want that ...and i am just looking for advice on what to do from this point. i am tempted to call her, but i have to stop myself,i am trying to concentrate on what i do with my life with art and music,and to find the patience she would appreciate from me, but i just keep making mistake after mistake, she is the most patient person i have ever met, because by now, i think i have given her every reason to say goodbye, but she hasnt . but if i continue to be crazy man, i think she will. i just want to live out the rest of my life with her in it, i am not being completley foolish that we will somehow mange to become together again, i reallise this is dangerous, but in my heart, it is what i want,i would be completley happy if she would be with me for the rest ofour lives, i want her to be the mother of my children, i want her like this, but she dosent want from me ....and i am confused as to what it is she does really want from me, even though she has been very clear to tell me what it is she wants, but i feel like i just cant manage my emotions enough or be mature enough to give her that, and its killing me inside, i am suffering because of my own actions and its like i just dont know how to manage myself ..... well ... i hope this gives you an idea about whats going on with me and the kind of help i am looking for, i hope to hear from somebody.

thank you very much for your time and i wish everyone all the best in love and life, if you have ever felt just a small little bit of what i have found with her, than indeed, your very fortunate person, i hope everyone experiences this kind of amazing love. it is not exactly as perfect as it was at one time, but in the moment i think of the look in her eyes, waking up in the morning, next to me, it was perfect.

i just want to give her what she wants from me, and i am looking for advice on how to do that, since i just dont know how
Thank you for taking the time to listen to my concerns by reading my story. It is very much appreciated that you actually take the time to respond, in the interest of helping me, because i really do need help.

I understand, that life can even be more difficult and much more devistating and tragic, than that which i am expressing. If anything at all, i should take into consideration, that i am in a situation where two people might be able to conquer odds above the norm, and actually end up on the positive side of a situation, where things are more likely to end up on a negative side, and for that, i should be grateful.

I guess the most difficult thing, and maybe i did not make it so clear, is how things are when we are together. she expresses herself towards me in an affectionate way sometimes, this confuses me. for instance, one evening, we met up at art exhibition, something that was interesting to us both. we had a good time, then after she invited me to go with her to meet some of her friends in a restaraunt, we passed time with them, and then we went out for drinks, we left them, i had some friends making music in a club, so we went there, that was ok, during the night, she said " the metro is not running anymore,are you worried about going back to your flat? " I said "no, i can take a taxi, its no problem. you do not have to worry about me." because where we were was very close to her place.anyway, we left the club and started to walk to the center of the area so i could hail a taxi, and she would walk home." while we were standing there, a couple of young drunk kids came up to us .... and offered me a rose, they said in french " for your girl, give her this , it will make her happy. " i just said ok, and gave her the rose ..... she looked at me, and hugged me and held me for a moment. then started crying ... " i am so sorry, i just can not invite you to sleep with me in my place right now. " i said "hey, its no problem, we are ok, do not be sad, because, i understand." then we held eachother for a moment, the taxi came, and when i went to get in, before i got in, ( its just normal to give your friends a kiss on the cheek if your french, and i have adapted to french culture, and its just normal for me to do this.) well, when i went to give her a see you later kiss, she didnt give me her cheek, but gave me her lips.

since then, nothing exactly so intense has happened, i am in the practice of when we do meet that i always offer her a bottle of wine, because its also a passion and interest we both share. and i think its just nice to make it a point to offer your friends a nice bottle when you see them, she also loves little toys, and i never go overboard or do anything extravagant, but i always offer her a little gift like this when i do see her, it always puts a smile on her face.

well, maybe i am just highlighting the things that are positives. what have i done that makes the situation as it is ...well, i am always letting her know when something interesting is happening and invite her, but she always refuses lately, she goes out with her friends but says no to me all the time.

well, one of the last things that happened lately, i was attacked and beaten over the head by an angry person in the street ..... i ended up in the hospital. one of my friends called her to let her know, after this happened to me, she called me, and told me that she was pissed off at me that my friend would call her, i did not ask him to do this. he just thought she should know. anyway, i think when something like this happened, she would be concerned about me, but it is weird, because after this happened, she really made it a point to let me know that this incident has put more distance between us.

since then, even though she is very interested in what i do with my music and art, and had an event in paris, she did not come to the event.

actually sent me a text message, said she had gone out the night before and was too tired to go out. naturally, i was disappointed , but oh well ...i understood,and after this happened, i just said, hey, no problem, i think maybe i am being too much on you so i will not bother to you,and if you feel like to see me, than great! but i wont keep trying so hard because it just seems like you have other things to do. she responded, "no , just be yourself, dont change what you do." and is the first time i asked her if she was getting involved with someone, and just did not have time for me. she said no. i said, hey look, its going to happen eventually,and even though i am very much love in love with you,dont be afraid to tell me if you are with someone. i just want us to be open and honest with you and i hope you can feel the same to be that way with me. she said ok, that we would see eachother later, that her weekend was full but during the week she would call.

well ...... something strange happened today, i always open my skype because i keep in touch with a lot of my friends this way, i noticed today she was also online, well, i sent her a quick, hi, and if her status is away or occupied, i never send her a message, but if she is open online, i know she likes to use skype, because its free and we both dont have to use our mobile phones and saves us money. but, she did not respond to my "hi" then after an hour i had to leave the flat, so i just said, "ok, i gotta go out now, hope to hear from you later ...good day "

well, you can tell in skype if someone has read the message you sent or not,she read it, when she saw i was online, she didnt change her status, so i am really confused by that. but, i am just being paranoid, so i am shaking the feeling of being ignored.

one thing that is very important that i do understand about her is that she told me her story, before she moved to Berlin, she had a boyfriend whom she knew since she was young, they were together for a very long time, well, they went to university together as together, made art together, which i have seen and is really outstanding! she is really one of the most talented people i have ever met, in any case, when she moved to berlin after she finished school, he moved to marsailles, well , they had an agreement, that while they were apart, it was ok to see other people, just that they would let eachother know whats happened, well, she was doing a lot of drugs and partying, and slept with a few boys for fun. well, this made her boyfriend at the time, angry. so, she left berlin to go live with him in marsailles, well, things didnt work out and actually, when she arrived, she discovered that her boyfriend was together with her best friend, they had a circle of friends and her best friend turned on her, and convinced all of their friends that she was a bad person, so she lost all of her friends and they didnt want to see or talk to her anymore. this devistated her, and after marsailles, she moved to paris, she has been her since, and since then, has not had a relationship with anyone.

well, when we met, she said she really liked me, that usually, and her friends told me as well, that one night stands are usually the extent of what she does since she has been in paris, but, that meeting me was a sign, and she wanted to see me more, and actually, her best friends in the world actually live in berlin. well, its been quite a few years since she has been in berlin.

one of the things, is that also after this big break up she had ten years ago, she also lost an interest in her art, well, it just so happened that at the time i was organizing a huge art event in berlin, so i invited her, and i know this basically changed her life for the better. because it brought her back into her art, which she is actively doing even today, she was reunited with her friends and this resulted in a subsequent event that happens in germany later this summer in which she will particiapte, it makes me full of joy knowing that i helped her to achieve this. she wants to do things with me with art and music, she says its important for her. so, i include her with everything i am doing. but am i just being used, again, like i was in the past. am i being too much of a nice person, even though for me, in this day and age, i dont understand what that even means.

so, look, i know that typically, in this kind of situation, its usually just best to follow your advice.

but, I LOVE HER more than i can even express in words. and i have not been perfect, i have reacted to her at times when she was just being quiet towards me,like she is now, in a negative way, but one of the things i promised her, was that i would never react towards her like that ever again, and i do not, i have actually taken big strides to resolve the things that make me act strangely, for me, as well as for her. and the result seems to be that she is even less interested in me. so, i am confused at this point, i feel the strong need to make a decision and she has told me, if i choose to cut completely, and i know her well enough to know,if i ever said this, that there would be no turning back, that it would definitely be the end, she has told me she would understand why,she said she hopes i will not, but thinks maybe i am putting myself in too much of a pain situation by involving her in my life. that maybe it would be the best thing for me to do for myself.

so, i have a history and a story as well, and considering all the things that have happened in the past to me, i , unfortunately have no trust in women. but, i DO trust her, even though she is giving me the same signs as all the others who have hurt me in the past have done.

i am 38 years old, and i want a family. oh! one of the things that i thought was special, is that very soon after we met, one night when we were talking after making love, she told me that since 10 years she wants a baby, i never even considered this before now, but for some reason, when she told me this, at first i was, very afraid, i was lke, no, thats too much and too heavy for me right now, but i thought about it, and actually reallised, that 100 per cent honestly, if she wanted a baby, i would be willing to give her what she wants.

ok, i think i need some more advice here, because i feel like i am starting to lose motivation and my good spirit, i feel like i am becoming more synical again, and thinking the worst and that i am just a fool with a fools dream, but i want to fight these thoughts and these feelings .... i want true love to conquer this situation for the best ..... please, somebody help me out... am i being in denial, am i mentally ill, if anything is possible, than what would you do if you were me

i feel sick, i am not sleeping right, and when i wake up in the morning, i feel really bad, because my first thought is of her

am i being overly obsessive

what do i do

what do i do

i dont trust myself anymore to make the right decision

and i dont want to end thisin a bad way, is there any hope

am i just the product of my own fantasy,only wanting to feel what i want to feel, being selfish and not in reality

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