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Thank you for taking the time to listen to my concerns by reading my story. It is very much appreciated that you actually take the time to respond, in the interest of helping me, because i really do need help.

I understand, that life can even be more difficult and much more devistating and tragic, than that which i am expressing. If anything at all, i should take into consideration, that i am in a situation where two people might be able to conquer odds above the norm, and actually end up on the positive side of a situation, where things are more likely to end up on a negative side, and for that, i should be grateful.

I guess the most difficult thing, and maybe i did not make it so clear, is how things are when we are together. she expresses herself towards me in an affectionate way sometimes, this confuses me. for instance, one evening, we met up at art exhibition, something that was interesting to us both. we had a good time, then after she invited me to go with her to meet some of her friends in a restaraunt, we passed time with them, and then we went out for drinks, we left them, i had some friends making music in a club, so we went there, that was ok, during the night, she said " the metro is not running anymore,are you worried about going back to your flat? " I said "no, i can take a taxi, its no problem. you do not have to worry about me." because where we were was very close to her place.anyway, we left the club and started to walk to the center of the area so i could hail a taxi, and she would walk home." while we were standing there, a couple of young drunk kids came up to us .... and offered me a rose, they said in french " for your girl, give her this , it will make her happy. " i just said ok, and gave her the rose ..... she looked at me, and hugged me and held me for a moment. then started crying ... " i am so sorry, i just can not invite you to sleep with me in my place right now. " i said "hey, its no problem, we are ok, do not be sad, because, i understand." then we held eachother for a moment, the taxi came, and when i went to get in, before i got in, ( its just normal to give your friends a kiss on the cheek if your french, and i have adapted to french culture, and its just normal for me to do this.) well, when i went to give her a see you later kiss, she didnt give me her cheek, but gave me her lips.

since then, nothing exactly so intense has happened, i am in the practice of when we do meet that i always offer her a bottle of wine, because its also a passion and interest we both share. and i think its just nice to make it a point to offer your friends a nice bottle when you see them, she also loves little toys, and i never go overboard or do anything extravagant, but i always offer her a little gift like this when i do see her, it always puts a smile on her face.

well, maybe i am just highlighting the things that are positives. what have i done that makes the situation as it is ...well, i am always letting her know when something interesting is happening and invite her, but she always refuses lately, she goes out with her friends but says no to me all the time.

well, one of the last things that happened lately, i was attacked and beaten over the head by an angry person in the street ..... i ended up in the hospital. one of my friends called her to let her know, after this happened to me, she called me, and told me that she was pissed off at me that my friend would call her, i did not ask him to do this. he just thought she should know. anyway, i think when something like this happened, she would be concerned about me, but it is weird, because after this happened, she really made it a point to let me know that this incident has put more distance between us.

since then, even though she is very interested in what i do with my music and art, and had an event in paris, she did not come to the event.

actually sent me a text message, said she had gone out the night before and was too tired to go out. naturally, i was disappointed , but oh well ...i understood,and after this happened, i just said, hey, no problem, i think maybe i am being too much on you so i will not bother to you,and if you feel like to see me, than great! but i wont keep trying so hard because it just seems like you have other things to do. she responded, "no , just be yourself, dont change what you do." and is the first time i asked her if she was getting involved with someone, and just did not have time for me. she said no. i said, hey look, its going to happen eventually,and even though i am very much love in love with you,dont be afraid to tell me if you are with someone. i just want us to be open and honest with you and i hope you can feel the same to be that way with me. she said ok, that we would see eachother later, that her weekend was full but during the week she would call.

well ...... something strange happened today, i always open my skype because i keep in touch with a lot of my friends this way, i noticed today she was also online, well, i sent her a quick, hi, and if her status is away or occupied, i never send her a message, but if she is open online, i know she likes to use skype, because its free and we both dont have to use our mobile phones and saves us money. but, she did not respond to my "hi" ..so then after an hour i had to leave the flat, so i just said, "ok, i gotta go out now, hope to hear from you later ...good day "

well, you can tell in skype if someone has read the message you sent or not,she read it, when she saw i was online, she didnt change her status, so i am really confused by that. but, i am just being paranoid, so i am shaking the feeling of being ignored.

one thing that is very important that i do understand about her is that she told me her story, before she moved to Berlin, she had a boyfriend whom she knew since she was young, they were together for a very long time, well, they went to university together as together, made art together, which i have seen and is really outstanding! she is really one of the most talented people i have ever met, in any case, when she moved to berlin after she finished school, he moved to marsailles, well , they had an agreement, that while they were apart, it was ok to see other people, just that they would let eachother know whats happened, well, she was doing a lot of drugs and partying, and slept with a few boys for fun. well, this made her boyfriend at the time, angry. so, she left berlin to go live with him in marsailles, well, things didnt work out and actually, when she arrived, she discovered that her boyfriend was together with her best friend, they had a circle of friends and her best friend turned on her, and convinced all of their friends that she was a bad person, so she lost all of her friends and they didnt want to see or talk to her anymore. this devistated her, and after marsailles, she moved to paris, she has been her since, and since then, has not had a relationship with anyone.

well, when we met, she said she really liked me, that usually, and her friends told me as well, that one night stands are usually the extent of what she does since she has been in paris, but, that meeting me was a sign, and she wanted to see me more, and actually, her best friends in the world actually live in berlin. well, its been quite a few years since she has been in berlin.

one of the things, is that also after this big break up she had ten years ago, she also lost an interest in her art, well, it just so happened that at the time i was organizing a huge art event in berlin, so i invited her, and i know this basically changed her life for the better. because it brought her back into her art, which she is actively doing even today, she was reunited with her friends and this resulted in a subsequent event that happens in germany later this summer in which she will particiapte, it makes me full of joy knowing that i helped her to achieve this. she wants to do things with me with art and music, she says its important for her. so, i include her with everything i am doing. but am i just being used, again, like i was in the past. am i being too much of a nice person, even though for me, in this day and age, i dont understand what that even means.

so, look, i know that typically, in this kind of situation, its usually just best to follow your advice.

but, I LOVE HER more than i can even express in words. and i have not been perfect, i have reacted to her at times when she was just being quiet towards me,like she is now, in a negative way, but one of the things i promised her, was that i would never react towards her like that ever again, and i do not, i have actually taken big strides to resolve the things that make me act strangely, for me, as well as for her. and the result seems to be that she is even less interested in me. so, i am confused at this point, i feel the strong need to make a decision and she has told me, if i choose to cut completely, and i know her well enough to know,if i ever said this, that there would be no turning back, that it would definitely be the end, she has told me she would understand why,she said she hopes i will not, but thinks maybe i am putting myself in too much of a pain situation by involving her in my life. that maybe it would be the best thing for me to do for myself.

so, i have a history and a story as well, and considering all the things that have happened in the past to me, i , unfortunately have no trust in women. but, i DO trust her, even though she is giving me the same signs as all the others who have hurt me in the past have done.

i am 38 years old, and i want a family. oh! one of the things that i thought was special, is that very soon after we met, one night when we were talking after making love, she told me that since 10 years she wants a baby, i never even considered this before now, but for some reason, when she told me this, at first i was, very afraid, i was lke, no, thats too much and too heavy for me right now, but i thought about it, and actually reallised, that 100 per cent honestly, if she wanted a baby, i would be willing to give her what she wants.

ok, i think i need some more advice here, because i feel like i am starting to lose motivation and my good spirit, i feel like i am becoming more synical again, and thinking the worst and that i am just a fool with a fools dream, but i want to fight these thoughts and these feelings .... i want true love to conquer this situation for the best ..... please, somebody help me out... am i being in denial, am i mentally ill, if anything is possible, than what would you do if you were me

i feel sick, i am not sleeping right, and when i wake up in the morning, i feel really bad, because my first thought is of her

am i being overly obsessive

what do i do

what do i do

i dont trust myself anymore to make the right decision

and i dont want to end thisin a bad way, is there any hope

am i just the product of my own fantasy,only wanting to feel what i want to feel, being selfish and not in reality





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