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Hey everybody,

I've been dealing with this for a while and can't seem to work out a solution. To start of I'm a 26 year old male whose relationship of nearly 3 years ended about 2 months ago. She broke it off but still wanted to "be friends and see where that went." She said that if we could be friends then our issues may go away (I get very concerned that she wants other guys). There had been a few instnaces in which she would do something with other guys that I was uncomfortable with and she would hide it or act like it shouldn't matter when it really hurt me and made me second-guess us. She had almost gone out with a guy not realizing he was asking her on a date, hung out with her ex behind my back, and kinda just started giving out her number to guys not really telling them that she was in a committed relationship. I guess this may be beside the point as I was worried about that happening before she did anything and now we are not a couple so I have no right to be upset.

Still, her notion of us being "friends" was basically just not talking to me until she wanted to come see me (every week or 2). Then when we would hang out it was just like being a couple again. We would do the same things, spend the night together and have a great time. Recently I have expressed that this is REALLY hard on me as I still want to be a couple. I think this is pushing her away and she didn't even know what she wanted prior to this. Should I just be able to "deal with it" better or what? I can't get her out of my mind and I really feel like I want her forever... I've had other long-term relationships but I definitely love this girl the most.

Does anybody think I should just end all contact or force her to choose? I know she will choose to not be together but then maybe I could get closure or something? I really don't want to do anything to drive her out of my life but I also just want her to be my girlfriend, happy together forever...

I started seeng a psychologist (right when we broke up) to help with my constant worry/anxiety over her wanting other guys. This has worked somewhat to where if I start to really "freak out" I can calm myself down but the constant sadness and worry are really the worst part... I might go see if I should get on medicaiton for this but I just don't know what to do.

Any insight, advise, tips, or anything would be GREATLY appreciated. I'm so scared that this relationship is over and that is the last thing in the world I want eventhough it may be the healthiest option... :/
I'd like to find whoever it was that came up the the notion of "closure" and throw them off a cliff...

The fact is, there is no magic combination of words or deeds that will make a dumpee say "oh, I get it! I'm totally fine and healed from the whole thing and now I can go on with my life, happy and content, and never, ever feel sadness, regret or heartbreak over our breakup ever again!" It is a complete fallacy...no matter what she says or does, you still want to be with her as a committed couple and she doesn't. Period.

I know you fear having her out of your life completely, but here's how I see it: you have two choices. #1 - Cut off all contact because it hurts you terribly to only have a night with her every 2 weeks or so while knowing about all the other nights she's spending with other guys..or #2, which is continue as you are, knowing how many nights she's hanging out with other guys and be 100%, HONESTLY, TRULY OK WITH IT. If you're not 100% honestly, truly ok with it, then option #2 will do nothing but bring you jealousy and pain, PLUS it will prolong the heartbreak and misery. At least with option #1 you have the chance to heal and maybe even meet another wonderful girl who wants to be with you and only you.
[QUOTE=River rocks;4257868]What was her reason for breaking things off? Was it sudden or did you see the end coming? Were you both committed for all three years?[/QUOTE]

We had a "break" earlier this year for about a month with no contact. So there were some signs that not everything was going perfectly... I feel that her biggest concern is feeling like she can't "do whatever she wants." Like going to her ex's house she had no problem with because he is friends with her friends or whatever but I still was upset by it. She has a fear of being controlled (because her ex was extremely controlling having to know what she wore out every night and things) but I don't think I'm too controlling of a person... I definitely have some insecurity with her giving her number out to guys and not being extremely up front with them about having a boyfriend. She is a gorgeous girl (modeled for Elite) and I know everyone knows that but she NEVER thinks anyone wants to get with her, and even if they do she just shrugs it off saying "they just think I'm hot." Its fine if anyone thinks she is attractive but if she gives her number to that guy what is his motivation? In my mind it is to sleep with her but she doesn't see it that way. Like if they were to ask her to a party at 1:30 am or have her come places with just them she would not think its odd. I would say they are trying to get with her and that by chatting with them all the time she is leading them on a bit. She doesn't see it as "flirty" or whatever but when a guy was like "lets go to dinner on Sunday" she said "where," he said he had a place picked out she said "ok :)" then when it came up that it was a date she said "I'm not technically single, so dinner is probably not the best idea right now... Do you hate me :(" I'm not sure if this should mean something to me or whatever because she says she corrected this, I just still worry about it and what she is doing when I don't catch her. I really don't think that she would have sex with anyone else but I don't like guys thinking they have a chance with her because she is not forward that she has a boyfriend or that nothing is going to happen with them.

Sorry for this rambling reply... I just have so much to say about it with SO much emotion behind it. I know she can't control what other guy's think but she can control her actions and how they percieve her... :(
[QUOTE=justkeeppraying;4258176]No, you're not a 'psycho'. The reason you never have gotten a bad "vibe" about her is because your head is clouded with emotion. You have all these outsiders here telling you something is WAY OFF and on her end there are people supposedly calling her a "B". Not a coincidence. You''re just not seeing things clearly in that way because you care so much for her.

Another thing, if this guy is such a "psycho" as she claims, then why in the world did she originally say "OK" to going out to this place with him (before she 'corrected' herself afterwards)?

I'm sorry, but this isn't adding up to me on her end...[/QUOTE]

She explains it that he seemed really shy (talked to her in class a few times) and that they had gone to things together as a group before with other friends. After she "corrected" her near 1-on-1 date with him I guess he wouldn't let it go and then told his friends (he plays football at the school they attend) to persuade her to go out with him too. It doesn't make much sense to me either but I only have her word to go on. She is friends with most of the guys on the football team there so I guess she just thought he would be the same, but there was at least one other guy on the football team who was interested in her (took her phone and put his number in her "fav 5") after she already had his number. I think she just wants to be "friendly" or whatever but doesn't know when to tell guys to kick rocks or make them know she is not going to do something with them. I also think that her friends getting more numbers and being popular with the guys (because they don't have boyfriends) made her feel bad somehow. It wouldn't bother me but she was annoyed that one friend would always get said "hi" to and invited more places than her.

I don't know... It's odd that it seems like every other girl (mostly female replies on this board) can see this but she can't. Maybe I'm explaining it in an "unfriendly" light or something because of how it made me feel but I just don't get it. I think that it may just be (like another post suggested) that she is naive. She is still in undergrad and its always like she goes out of her way to try to be nice to (or please) everyone. She does this little with me as I think she knows I love her unconditionally. She has issues with true friends and what everyone wants her to do (generally not have a boyfriend so they can go out and meet guys or whatever) but I feel like if you love someone you would not need that attention from the other sex... I know I don't because I have (had) someone and I didn't need other girls to fawn over me or be my "friend" if it was sexual or anything in any way.

Maybe I'm too cautious with people but I don't know how to change that and simply always have faith that everyone with respect my relationship even if I act like I didn't really care about it...





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