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Thank you for reading my story. I canít talk to friends or family about this. I am getting married in a month, and I am either having a serious case of cold feet or Iím making a mistake. I met my fiancť over 5 years ago. We immediately hit it off physically, but he was only 24 years old, and I was 30, so we wanted very different things at that point in our lives. I wanted a relationship, but he only wanted to see me a few times a month. So I went along with what he wanted for a while, but I was totally unhappy. We were on again, off again for the first year and a half (on 6 months, off 3 months, on 6 months, off 3 months). We got back together again after our last break, and he was a completely different person. He introduced me to his family, his friends, spent the holidays with me, took me to his company functions, called me every day, saw me regularlyÖ everything you would expect from a good boyfriend. He finally let me into his life, and we were finally in a REAL relationship! That was over 3 years ago. I moved in with him two years ago, and we got engaged 9 months ago. He is a great guy in many ways, but I donít know if weíre meant to be together. I canít believe I am questioning all of this now, but it seems that the closer we get to the wedding, the more Iím freaking out inside.

For a long time after we got back together, I did a lot of what he enjoyed doing and gave up my own interests and hobbies. I donít blame him for this, it was completely my fault. I didnít even realize what I was doing for a long time. He loves to watch TV and play on his computer. If I didnít have a say, he would watch TV all day on the weekends (literally) and all evening after work, and he has done this many, many times. I would complain about not spending any quality time with him, so he would ask me to watch the games with him. I tried that for a while, but I donít like spending that much time watching TV, and I am just not into sports like he is. I also got very tired of planning our lives around football and basketball schedules. So over the last year or two, Iíve been more assertive about doing things I want to do. Heís also gotten better about not watching as much TV when Iím around, but the TV and his computer are still his primary hobbies (really his only hobbies). So he does try to make small changes like watching less TV when I ask.

I am still not totally satisfied with our relationship, and I never have been. Part of it may be the 6-year age difference. He still has a lot of growing up to do. This is what I tell myself sometimes when his immaturity shows, that I just need to wait for him to mature. We donít have a lot in common, and sometimes I ask him what it will be like when the kids are grown and out of the house. What will we talk about then? We donít currently have children, but plan to start a family right after weíre married. I feel like our relationship is so lacking when it comes to meaningful conversation, and Iíve expressed this to him so many times. His response is usually ďWhat do you want to talk about?Ē Itís always up to me to initiate the meaningful discussions. I want more from a relationship that what we have. More meaning, more depth, but it just isnít there with him. We do have fun together, but itís mostly superficial fun when weíre with others or outside of the house. We enjoy eating out and going to sports events (although those are more for him), but we also try to be frugal with our money so we donít go out often. I would love to go dancing and have told him that many times, but he refuses because he doesnít like it. Last time he said that, I asked him if I was supposed to not dance for the rest of my life because he doesnít like it. He didnít really respond.

I love him, and I know he loves me, but I donít feel that weíre head over heels in love with each other, nor have I ever felt that way. I used to be crazy about him, but Iíve never felt that he was crazy about me or madly in love with me. I think maybe I was crazy about him earlier on because it took so long to actually have a real relationship with him. I know he appreciates me (as I do him), but I feel like we are more comfortable with each other than anything, and I want more. I look at his parentsí relationship, and thatís how I see us ending up. I donít see passion or strong love, just comfortable love and a decent family life. The thing is, I know I can have a pretty satisfying life with him. I know we can have a good and reasonably happy marriage. Do I see us having a fantastic marriage and being passionately in love? No. I know he is totally satisfied with our lives because he has very simple desires. Like I said, if I let him watch TV all the time, he would. He even told me once that maybe I should put a time limit on his TV like his parents did when he was younger. I refused because I donít want to feel like his mother.

The wedding is planned and mostly paid for, invitations are sent and we are in the midst of receiving our RSVPís back. I donít know what to do, but as I said, I am starting to panic inside. I donít know how I can walk away at this point, or even if I want to. I realize that these feelings have been going on for a long time, but I was able to push them aside. They werenít nearly as strong as they are now either. Also, with each new step in our relationship, I find myself feeling content for a while. Moving in, getting engaged, planning the weddingÖ all of this has kept me very busy and has kept me from focusing on my doubts about this relationship. I also focused on his good points and told myself that the passionate love I wish we had doesnít really exist (or if it does, itís rare). I also absolutely love his family, and they love me. My family loves him too, and I know everyone would be very disappointed if we broke up, especially a month before the wedding. I know Iím not supposed to care about what others think, but thatís a whole lot easier said than done. I do care what they think, and what if this is just cold feet after all?

There is something else that is adding to my confusion. From time to time, I run into a male co-worker in the cafeteria or hallway, and we talk, mostly about traveling. About two years ago when I was going on vacation to another country, someone recommended asking this co-worker for travel tips because he had been to the same area many times. At the time, he asked me who I was going with, and I told him I was going with my boyfriend, so he knew I was in a relationship. After that, we would talk for a few minutes here and there about new vacations each of us might be taking. We work in different departments, so sometimes I go weeks without seeing him. About 3 months ago, I saw him in the cafeteria, and he started talking about a new trip he was taking to a place Iíve long wanted to visit, so I asked him a lot of questions about it, and we ended up talking for about 45 minutes that day, our longest conversation ever. It was obvious (to me anyway) that there was an attraction between us. We were talking and laughing, and neither of us wanted the conversation to end. We were both ďreachingĒ for new topics by the end of the conversation.

After that day, I felt guilty, and I avoided the cafeteria. Like I said, itís not like we run into each other often, so it was easy not to see him. I felt guilty because while our conversation was completely appropriate, the feelings I had while talking to him made me want to get to know him better. Since then, we have run into each other more and had some really nice conversations. We talk mostly about travel, and our conversations have never been inappropriate in any way, but I feel a definite attraction to him. I think he feels it for me, but neither of us has vocalized it. When he returned from his trip, he showed me pictures and maps of where he had been. I loved it. The truth is, if I wasnít about to get married, I would love to pursue getting to know him. Last week, I ran into him in the hallway and we chatted for a few minutes, and he asked what I had going on this summer. I told him just my trip (which is my honeymoon but I didnít tell him that). He asked if I had anything else going on this summer, and I said no! I felt totally guilty after that, and thought, if heís heard about me getting married (lots of people in the office have), he probably wondered why I didnít bring it up. I think I didnít bring it up because I enjoy our conversations so much and donít want them to stop. So then I ran into him two days ago, and he asked about my trip. So I asked him if he knew I was getting married, and he said no and seemed surprised. Then he asked if my trip was my honeymoon, and I told him it was. After that, the conversation turned to the location of the trip, and we went our separate ways after a few minutes.

I know itís ridiculous to have a crush on this co-worker, but I do. I have considered the possible reasons. I am not satisfied in my current relationship, and I find the conversations I have with him more stimulating than any Iíve had with my fiancť. The co-worker seems to have a zest for life that my fiancť doesnít have. This is huge for me. My fiancť is very satisfied with a simple life of TV watching, and I am not! But I donít want to be the person who pursues the ďwhat ifĒ only to lose a very good man and a stable relationship. Not to mention the humiliation of canceling my wedding one month before itís supposed to happen. I donít want to hurt my fiancť or our families either. I know that my fiancť would be hurt, but I donít think he would be devastated. Of course, I could be fooling myself, but like I said, I donít believe heís head over heels in love with me.

I know what I would say if I was reading this post or if a friend was in this situation. Itís so easy to judge looking from the outside in, but itís not that easy to make a decision when youíre right in the middle of a situation like this.

The sad but true thing is, that if my co-worker said, donít get married, I am interested in you, I would pursue something with him. Part of me wants to tell him how I feel, and part of me just wants to forget about him. I know if I get married, Iíll wonder, what if. But I know if nothing is said between the co-worker and me, I will get married. I know this is very long, and I havenít even included all the info I could, so thanks to those of you whoíve taken the time to read it. If anyone has ever experienced anything like this, please share. Thanks.
Thank you all SO much for your comments!! Some of you really made an impression on me. Since I posted this 3 days ago, I have been thinking so much. I already feel so differently about one comment I made, and that is ďI know if nothing is said between the co-worker and me, I will get married.Ē I have no intention of talking to the co-worker, and I am seriously considering canceling the wedding. I am working on getting the courage to talk to my fiancť about everything. I hope that Iím right that he wonít be devastated by all of this. Iíve also decided to confide in a close girlfriend of mine. I trust her opinion very much, and I hope sheíll help me see things more clearly. I still worry that if I donít get married, Iíll be letting a very good man go. He really is a good hearted and caring guy. I just donít feel happy and fulfilled like I should. Iíve heard people say that your partner should bring out the best in you, and I donít feel like he brings out the best in me. I just donít want to regret anything, and itís still hard to know what to do.


00lady00:

Iíll admit, at this point in my life, I donít want to be single. Iím ready to settle down and start a family, but I know thatís the wrong reason to get married. I think youíre right about women getting caught up in the whole wedding fairy tale. I think Iím more excited about the wedding than I am about the marriage. And youíre right about not waiting for things to change, but I HAVE been waiting for him to change.

braveheart226:

Congratulations on just celebrating 30 years of marriage. That is wonderful! Your comments really made me think, especially your comment about possibly missing out on the best life you could have had. I already feel like I am not living my best life with my fiancť. I am one of those people who expects things to get better after we get married, but why? I donít know why I allowed myself to think that way. I also think you are correct that my doubts will not go away if I go through with the wedding. But as you said, it could be the biggest regret of my life if I end things. I just have no way of knowing. Thank you for sharing your personal experiences.

Larrylouísmom:

You asked the question: ďHow solid could your relationship be if you are looking for an excuse to get out of it like this guy?Ē This is EXACTLY what Iím asking myself! I think you are 100% right that it wouldnít matter who else comes along if my fiancť is the right one. Thatís part of why I am questioning my feelings so much! I do think my fiancť would make a very decent and good husband and a wonderful father, but I want more from my relationship with him. Also, I have no intention of approaching my co-worker or putting this kind of burden on him. I know itís just an infatuation. The fact that Iím having the feelings is whatís bothering me.

writeleft:

Yes, you read that right. I donít think he would be devastated. Hurt yes, but not devastated. I think itís very possible that he is comfortable with me and is happy to settle down with me because I basically accept his lifestyle. Wow! What you said about his first choice of activity not including me really stood out. That is so true. I am already lonely in our relationship, but once again, I was thinking that would change after we got married, but why would it? We are very comfortable with each other. Weíve known each other for so long, and getting engaged and married just seemed like the next natural step in our relationship. So yes, I do think part of it for him is about comfort.

islandjohnny:

Thanks for sharing. I really am trying to listen to my inner voice and do the right thing!

caberg:

I would miss him, but yes, I can see my life without him. I just hope Iím not convincing myself that ending this is the right thing to do because I have commitment issues or something, but I donít think so.

Hoop:

I canít postpone the wedding. If I still need more time to think about it at this point, Iíll never be ready.

Redneon82:

You make a very good point about it being a marriage, not just a wedding. I would be humiliated, but I know people will get over it. I also worry about the humiliation this will cause my fiancť. I donít want him to have to go through that. But I know itís better than a divorce later on.

justkeeppraying:

I think youíre right. I love him but donít like him in ways. I am seeing that more every day, that we (and things) wonít change after we get married.

ems44:

Thank you for sharing your personal story. You made me feel so much better about what Iím thinking of doing! I have felt so alone in this situation, so Iím so glad I decided to post this and hear what other people had to say.

goingdaffy:

No, I didnít feel passion for my fiancť long before this co-worker was in the picture. Although weíve worked together for years, my infatuation only started developing about 3 months ago. It just makes me question my feelings even more because I shouldnít be feeling that strong of an infatuation for someone if my relationship with my fiancť was totally fulfilling. I think he would allow me to grow, but I want a husband who wants to grow with me. I want someone who shares my desire to experience life to the fullest, and he doesnít.





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