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Possessive fiance
Jun 6, 2010
hello,

I need some serious advice, my heart is really torn.

I've been dating my fiance for 3 years. We dated for 3 months, and then moved in together. He is a very sweet boyfriend but there are some red flags that have been happening throughout our relationship and I am not sure I can put up with it anymore.

I met forrest when I first moved to this town for a job. I didn't know anyone and I was totally flattered by him. We both enjoyed the outdoors, going out, and really were attracted to eachother. Then when we moved in together, we started going out less, and mostly just hung out with eachother. But anytime I tried to do anything outside of our relationship, I felt guilty. It was very tempting to do anything outside of our relationship anyway, because it was a new town, and I didn't know anyone. But simple things like "im going to go to the gym" he would say "so you'd rather do that then hang out with me?" and then I wouldn't go to the gym. Or I would be hanging out with a girlfriend while he was out of town and he would ask me "Do you like her more than you like me?". Or i would want to go to a beer fest downtown with some co-workers and I would invite him and he would tell me he had a headache and didn't want to go. so I would go anyway, and then he would radomly show up 2 hours later, saying that he was "bored" at home without me. So pretty soon it was awkward trying to do anything socially or outside interests besides my fiance.
I have constantly through out the 3 years told him how I feel about this. Every time he says he understands and he will try for a few months, but I still feel awkward about it because I know he is jealous, and he is just holding back how he feels. But what really did it was last week I invited him to go on a bike ride with me, and he said he couldn't go because his tires were low. and so I said I was going to go and I would see him later. On my way out the garage he sacastically yelled "bye" at me. When I asked him why he made that comment to me he said becuase he felt abandoned and unwanted because I was going with out him.
I feel as if I am constantly down playing everything so that he doesn't feel jealous or bad. I used to be a very indendent & social person, now I feel myself holding back because I don't want him to feel bad. And the few times I get brave enough to do something I want to do, or to go to a social event without him, I feel guilty, like I am doing something wrong.
When Forrest and I are together, and its just him & I things are great. I love his company, he is very nice and sweet to me, but I feel like thats all I can have in my life is our relationship. I feel like I have lost part of myself in all of this. I recently moved out after the bike incident because I don't feel like this behavior is right and I am sick of it. As much as I love spending time with me and being with him, I don't know if its worth my life. I miss him terribly, but he won't change this. He tells me that I am just so beautiful and he feels insecure. But why can't he just be so proud to have someone like me, instead of stifling me. I don't understand this.
And he makes no effort to be a part of my family or friends. My friends came to visit from out of town and he pretended him was sick the whole time. And then when we would go out and do something he would blow up my phone. If he is not getting all of my attention he feels unwanted. My grandfather invited him to come meet him on a vacation and he opted to go fishing instead. Hes never met my grandfather.
Its just so frustrating, because I have been so involved in his life and supportive of his friends and family. Why don't I deserve the same thing? He goes fishing and I call and ask how many fish hes caught & even join him after working all day. I went to be in his sisters wedding while he worked and didn't attend the wedding, one week after canceling our wedding, and I went alone. I have done everything for this man. I don't understand.
Unfortunately, your boyfriend is very unhealthy mentally. Perhaps he has some kind of social anxiety or something, who knows. But you're allowing his illness to affect you, and you are getting sick, too. You used to be an outgoing, happy girl with friends and a full, well-rounded life and you've given that up to let yourself get sick along with him. That's not right, and it's a good think you've recognized it before it goes any further.

No, of course not all men are like this. There are a lot of men out there who are good, decent, who will be just as good company as this guy is, better, and who will also want to go out and do things with you, will gladly meet your family and get to know them, and be fine with you going to the gym, going biking or having a girls' night out every once in a while.

Your happiness and your mental health is up to you. You can't change, save or fix him, he has chosen to remain sick and not get help and not try to engage and come out of his shell, and up till now you have chosen to be sick and unhappy for him. You can't make him well, but you CAN choose whether or not you continue to stay sick along with him.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;4260478]Unfortunately, your boyfriend is very unhealthy mentally. Perhaps he has some kind of social anxiety or something, who knows. But you're allowing his illness to affect you, and you are getting sick, too. You used to be an outgoing, happy girl with friends and a full, well-rounded life and you've given that up to let yourself get sick along with him. That's not right, and it's a good think you've recognized it before it goes any further.

No, of course not all men are like this. There are a lot of men out there who are good, decent, who will be just as good company as this guy is, better, and who will also want to go out and do things with you, will gladly meet your family and get to know them, and be fine with you going to the gym, going biking or having a girls' night out every once in a while.

Your happiness and your mental health is up to you. You can't change, save or fix him, he has chosen to remain sick and not get help and not try to engage and come out of his shell, and up till now you have chosen to be sick and unhappy for him. You can't make him well, but you CAN choose whether or not you continue to stay sick along with him.[/QUOTE]

100% dead on. Someone else on this board said that if you see a certain negative behavior pattern in your partner and you change to accomodate that person, then the two of you are at fault, not just him. You are enabling his paranoia and insecurity by going along with his completely unreasonable behavior.

HE won't change, but you can. If you choose to stay in this prison, remember that you and you alone are making that choice. You don't get to blame him for it because you knew about it and chose to stay. But you CAN choose to leave and find a healthy relationship.





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