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Can't Move On
Jun 30, 2010
Hello Everyone! I've written here a few times but sometimes the words come to me differently. Bare with me!

I'm struggling with so many relationships right now, myself, an ex, and deep rooted family issues. I've suffered depression for many years. Each therapist I've had has brought me to a new point of understanding in my life. I haven't really been in therapy in years and just recently started again. I went to a social worker last year who seemed more "nuts" than me. My family has always had it's ups and downs. Growing up, my older brother always had a temper. I was always terrified that my family would break up. I sat there and watched him yell at my parents and mistreat them. I sat there and watched my parents "smooth" it over instead of putting their foot down. My mother never dealt with her own childhood, having an alcoholic for a mother. The fear of my family breaking up led her to just allow my brother's behavior. My dad was always at odds with my brother but because of my mom, let it all happen also. I took so much in, heard so much. I became the sounding board for everyone. So I pretty much put my life on hold, to make sure nothing never happened to my family. Was always terrified of something happening. I became my mother's mother, my father's therapist, and sometimes my brothers. I'm so angry for it but know my parents did what they felt was best at the time. I just don't know how to let the guilt and anger go.

This has caused major issues with myself. I never feel good enough even though my parents have never mistreated me. But b/c of my brother and his chances, mostly wrong, that he took in life, I never took any of my own. If he was letting my parents down, I couldn't. So I pretty much put myself in a box. I had friends but was terrified of the opposite sex. I used food as a way out. My highest weight ever was 200 at 5'5". I'm not 150 and never give myself credit for my weight loss. I'm a virgin b/c I hate my body. Depression and my virginity hold me back from everything. I've missed so much of life but can't lose the feeling of hating myself. I want so bad to let people in but shut down as soon as I have the chance.

My childhood and growing up are what stops me. I've never been physically abused but was always made fun of. That with family issues caused me to rely on school as a stable place. If I couldn't be good at socializing, I was good at books. It was my cover.

Dating???? I'm AWFUL!!! As I said, I want to share my life with someone but never had a longterm relationship. I've always been alone. When I can meet someone, I choke. But when I do open up, I fall hard and can't get myself back.

Last year I ended up dating an old high school friend I met up with again on FB. He had no clue I liked him in high school. He was honest off the bat telling me he was separated and his wife had cheated on him. We dated for 3 months but he bailed when we headed towards relationship status. How funny that he was the one who wanted to see where it went? I know in my gut he ran b/c he was afraid. I never felt that before. I 100% thought he was supposed to be in my life. It's been over a year and as pathetic as it sounds, he is my every thought. I've come to accept that I have OC thinking. This is what I don't get....I can't tell you how many times I've contacted him. He's ALWAYS responded. He's never taken me off his FB profile. I've spilled my guts time and time again about how I feel. He went so far as to tell me I could be the type of person he would see himself with. Knowing how I feel about him and that I can't just be friends with him, if he wants nothing to do with me, why does he respond? I've given him so many chances to tell me off. I even wrote him a letter a while ago that pretty much told him straight how he was wrong for just bailing. He needed time to fix himself, I completely understood. He can date anyone he wants but when I see pics it kills me. Yet I can't delete him. He never responded to my letter but then did respond to a text I sent about a favor he did for me months ago. I asked if he was dating a person whose picture was online. He actually responded that they were friends. Why would he care to respond if I meant nothing, even after the not so friendly letter I wrote.

I told you my relationships are all messed up. My head is messed up and I'm hoping the new therapist helps. It is nuts for me to believe he is meant to be in my life? I can go on and on with my thoughts at my obsessive thinking never ends. I'm so sorry for how long this is....just really confused.

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