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Relationship Health Message Board


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First I would sit down and calmly (not accusingly) tell him you think he has a drinking problem and that if he is willing to go with you to A.A. meetings and a counselor, you want to try to work through all of the relationship issues.

However, if he is not willing and continues to just blame you for his unhappiness, it is best to calmly break-up and for you to move back home.

I know it's REALLY hard to pack and move and say good-bye to this relationship, but moving back to your parents' house to figure out what you're going to do next is better than being in an angry relationship with someone who refuses to change and is mean to you.

Now, if he IS willing to go to A.A. and counseling with you and you guys can work with a professional together, GREAT. Maybe you can fix the relationship.

If he is not willing, I think that means he's not ready for commitment and is just still too immature to change. It's sad, but there's not much you can do about it.

You didn't make him this way; perhaps the effects of alcohol combined with other issues he has is causing him anger. You don't say what reasons HE is giving for being angry, but I am sure the hurtful things he says to you is not the right response.

If he is unhappy with the relationship, he COULD try talking things out with you maturely, or he could calmly break up with you. But he is not; instead he is being mean, saying cruel things, essentially being abusive to make himself feel better about himself.

This behavior is his fault, not yours.

Talk to your parents about this. If for some reason you can't, call whoever in your family is most supportive and mature. (An aunt? Older sister?) Talk this through with them. Make a new plan. You WILL be able to eventually find a job or go back to school or whatever you decide to do once you are home and in a stable environment.

I wish the best for you.
Why do you want to be with someone who hates you? More importantly, why do you want to HAVE CHILDREN with someone who hates you, and who will probably only come to hate those children, too? Why don't you think you deserve someone who loves and appreciates you for all you are, not who he wants you to be? That's where you need to start. Your problem is not how to get this man to love you better, because you have no control over that anyway. Your problem is how do you get YOURSELF to love you better.

UYS, it may be romantic and story-book to think that if your love was pure and good and strong enough you could love him out of his anger and unhappiness and love him into being the man you want him to be, but that's just not how love works. First of all, you say in your post that you've done everything you can think of to try and be "who he wants you to be." Well, love doesn't work like that, either. You don't twist yourself into a pretzel trying to be what and who someone else wants you to be. You be the best you that you know how to be, you be the you that YOU love and that YOU are proud of, and THEN you find someone who loves THAT you as much as you do. Somehow you got it all backwards.

You have really painted yourself into a corner. You have put yourself in a position of being totally and completely dependent on someone who is sick and dysfunctional and abusive, and who has no desire to change at all, and then you've made up your mind you can't or won't leave. But the fact is, you can't make him be someone he isn't, someone he has no desire to be. You are lying to yourself saying underneath that abuse and anger lies a wonderful, loving man and all you have to do is find the magic formula that will make sweet guy come out for good and make angry abusive drunk guy go away. I'm sorry, it just doesn't work that way.

It's not what you want to hear, but really, I don't know what else you can do but contact your family, tell them you are in real trouble and you need to come home and will they please send you air or bus fare and let you come home so you can figure out the next step in your life. then get a part time job and go back to school, get a degree or some kind of job training, and get to a point where you can stand on your own two feet and take care of yourself. Get to a point where you can take care of yourself, then you can have more control of your life and you can be who you want, not who someone else wants you to be. Then you can find a good man who will love and appreciate you for who you are.





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