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Hey folks, I need to post about my situation and I appreciate SO MUCH any feedback you can provide! This is a long one but I want to put all the facts down so I get the best opinions.

I feel very torn between being content as a single, independent young woman and enjoying being in a relationship. My best friend tells me to enjoy my single time, and I recall in the past when I was content being single because I just had to deal with it. Some days I am fine, I find things to occupy my time. But lately I feel very discontent with my situation. I had been trying to find a match on some dating websites and found a great guy. We went on some dates and I really like him and I'd like to see him more but he isn't needing the same amount of visiting that I am feeling. He is depressed over the passing of his father and he alone knows he needs to deal with that. He knows what he needs to do to feel better, it's just a matter of actually making it happen. I can't stop thinking about him and over analyzing what I know about him. This weekend, he has off obviously from work and he is totally lounging around by himself, grilling for himself, swimming in the pool by himself, lighting fireworks by himself, and I'm thinking "it would be the perfect opportunity to spend some time with me!" but he feels the need to just take the days one at a time and not make plans. A lot of you will probably say "if he's not at the same pace as you, then you need to move on and find someone who is." the issue I have is that I'm very interested in him because he is so much of what I want aside from this grieving he is dealing with. Can you blame him really? On our dates when he is in a good mood, he is so fantastic! He gives me butterflies and I just feel like i'm on cloud 9! But when we aren't together, when he is home doing his thing, I feel angry that he's not trying to get to know me better. He says if it is meant to be, it will be. I tried to talk to him about how some things dont just happen, you do have to be a catalyst for what you want. I don't want to push talking about feelings, but at the same token, he has said to me that he's an emotional person and wants another emotional person who can share feelings and thoughts. He has expressed some great things to me, about how he wants me in his life, to see where this goes, how I'm too good to be true, how he doesn't deserve me, doesn't this sound like a cop-out? Does this sound like he doesn't think we're going to work and his subconscious is making excuses to get out of it? He doesn't feel very confident in himself but I think it will pass. I don't want to be jealous that he sees his ex on occasion. He said he is over her romantically, but it is just a weird feeling to not date HER anymore because they had been together for so long. He sees her as a friend. He says he doesn't know if he is ready to dive into a new relationship. I said "well what were you doing putting yourself on the dating website then?" and he's like "well I know I want to find the one and I just wanted to see who was out there" I feel like I am pushing trying to fall in love. In some lights, I think 'meh, maybe he isn't the one. Maybe I'm looking for a different person." but I can't tell yet because I haven't gotten enough time with him. I also feel pressured to hurry up and figure out if I want to date him long term/seriously because I am looking for work and once I start working I'm going to have less time to actually date someone. It is hard to put myself in his shoes and realize that he is working more than full time, and dealing with so much. I feel like I should learn to be patient because I feel like good things come to those who wait. Any tips for being a more patient person? I think he thinks if I am his girlfriend, he will feel obligated to devote more of his time to me and he can't do that because of the personal things he is dealing with. I want him to be my boyfriend because I really enjoy hanging out with him, I find him very funny and cute, and I was in a horrible 2 year relationship from 07-09 and everything that was negative about my last boyfriend, this guy makes up for perfectly. Everything that I hated about my ex, I do not have that issue with this guy. Maybe that is why I feel pressured to make him mine? Maybe the fact that I am in my mid twenties and had to move home with my parents and I don't have a job and I have huge potential just wasting away here because the economy is so bad is why I am over thinking this potential relationship with this new guy. Any book suggestions? Any meditating suggestions? I have picked up some hobbies, joined a gym, I'm helping family do chores, taking care of the dogs, trying to find stuff to occupy my time and even with all that I still have hours upon hours to dwell on this situation. :mad:
I think that both you and this guy are in a difficult situation. You are quite obviously desperate, and he is grieving and might be getting ready for a rebound relationship before he heads back to his girlfriend.
I couldn't possibly tell you that you should be happy being single, just as much as I couldn't possibly tell you that you should be happy being married. All I can say is that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
Your expectations are very high, and you are sounding very needy; both bad relationship basics. My feeling is that if a relationship is meant to be it will flow organically. You are pushing so much, that seems the opposite of an organic relationship.
I think you said it best yourself at one point......you haven't had enough time with this guy. It could ALL be a lie. I'm not saying it is, but it's allways possible. He could be married with a family so he's just stringing you along, he may not be interested, or he may even just be weird! lol. The point is, there is no sense analyzing and reanalyzing a guy who you dont really know. It might serve you better to keep your options open and keep looking. I'm not saying giving up on him completely, but I'm sure you guys haven't had the conversation of exclusivity yet.......so I'm pretty sure it's ok for you to go out with another guy.....or 8! ;) All I'm saying is dont put all your eggs in the first pretty basket. Take the time to shop around a while. Good luck!
Melissa
People never just date anymore, they just wham! Relationship! That's not how you get to know someone! You have to take the time to get to know the guy before you commit to an actual relationship! Quit trying to be married with 7 kids already when he has clearly said he has no idea what he wants right now.

Guys are not overly complex or deep. When they tell you something, THAT is what they mean, not our female overanalysis of the situation. He said he doesn't have a clue so he means he doesn't have a clue. Period. End of story. You need to either let this thing flow naturally and see where it goes or you need to just realize he's not on the same page and keep your options open. There is no way that pushing him more would be even remotely helpful. He won't allow it to progress any faster than his pace.
Thanks for your responses. You all said things that I needed to hear. The first response about me being desperate, on my end here I said "I'm not DESPERATE!!" And then I thought My god I DO sound so freaking desperate! hahaha. So that is one thing I need to fix immediately.
K- you are so right about the lack of actual dating. During my 'normal' thoughts, I say "this feels right and good because this is how it SHOULD be" I still get plenty of time to myself and I still have him in my life to do fun things once in a while. The first guy I dated barely talked and we just hung out all the time and then it was like ok I guess we are a couple. The last relationship I was in, we had sex on the third date and it was like ok I guess we are a couple now! But we really didn't get to know eachother. I regret that. I want a deep connection with someone and it is very wise for us to focus on our individual issues on our own because if it is meant to be we will have plenty to deal with together. I noticed after I wrote this post that this is the week before my period, which would explain why I'm grumpy over this and feeling very impatient. Otherwise, I am usually cool as a cucumber and don't fret about anything! Last time I was with him, I had this flash back of being with my ex and thinking 'it's great that we are enjoying this walk, but when am I going to get some time to myself?!' A good reminder that there is no need to rush into things. I definitely have a history of putting all my eggs in one basket, with picking out a college and a company to work for. I need to learn to not jump at the first opportunity - or guy - that comes my way. Thank you all for responding, I am grateful for your opinions.
If a guy says that he is not ready for a relationship, take his word for it. He is not!! Move on to one that is. Don't waste your time waiting for somebody that you don't even know well. Guys are not trying to be cute and play hard to get when they say that. If a guy is really into you he will try to get to know you, no matter what he is going through. I learned that after a lot of years of frustrating dating.





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