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Need Help ASAP
Jul 5, 2010
This is going to be a long one but i need advice badly.

Backround: I have depression/anxiety issues. I go through bad episodes that last a months and then i go through months where everything seems ok. I have a hard time trusting others and often, actually more than often, feel very frustrated and take out my frustrations in the form of anger on others. I have anxiety socially and usually dont like to go out all that much. I have my friends and i do go out a few times a week and have fun but in the end id rather stay home, just not 24/7. I always feel dumb in social situations or anxious or left out.

Now onto relationship:
I have been with a boy for about 2yrs now (2 years on saturday). He is not my first relationship however he is my first love. In the past 6 months or so my frustration outbursts got bad. I would often be mad at him for absolutely no reason or would just argue with him for no reason. We were together a lot and when we werent we missed each other. However when we were together we fought, mainly because of me and my personality. I would always sit there and think to myself whatever its his fault blah blah blah. He took it all. Memorial Day weekend came around and we both went down the shore. He went to one place i went to another with the intention of meeting up that night. We did he left the next morning to go somewhere i didnt hear from him again for three days. Would not answer my phone calls not answer my text messages, his friends had no idea where he was, etc. He left me down there by myself i had to hitch a ride home with my friends. I was annoyed then so scared something happened to him then when i finally found out he was fine i was PISSED. He was drunk and wasted all weekend. I broke up with him because i was so mad never actually believing it was really over. I figured we'd meet up talk yell and be fine again as usual.

Well we met up and to my surprise he told me he needed space. He said he couldnt handle all the fighting anymore that he needed to focus on himself that he couldnt be stressed out by our relationship anymore that it was all he thought about and how he believed he was always a bad boyfriend. He said he missed out on so much with his friends because i never wanted to go anywhere and there was always a problem with going out. (This was due to my social anxiety but i never really explained it like that to him)

It was like a slap across the face but he was right. I took two days to think wondering if maybe we were better off without each other. Truth be told i had thought about that a lot and how i felt tied down at such a young age. However truely seeing what is was like without him felt SO WRONG. I was MISERABLE i felt like someone punched a hole in me. So i met up with him and told him everything how sorry i was how it took something major like this to snap me into reality and how i would do everything i could to make this work but he still wanted time. So i gave him time. He told me that he wanted to be with me and that he loved me that he just needed space. So i waited. I waited a month. And that month, this past month, was perhaps the lowest i have ever been in my life. I cried daily, sometimes for hours uncontrollably, i couldnt eat, i couldnt sleep i stayed in bed for days on end. I talked to my mom and was terrified for her to leave because i didnt want to feel anymore alone than i already did. I told him how bad this was hurting me he just didnt seem to care. If i mentioned how i was hurt he would refuse to answer me. He would tell me he would call me later and never did. He was just so cold. He toyed with my emotions for an entire month while he went out and partied every night with his friends. He enjoyed the fact that while he was fine doing what he wanted when he wanted i was home in bed trying not to think of killing myself. We didnt see each other at all because he wanted space but we 20minutes through texting a day then iw ouldnt hear from him for 2 days.

After this month went by we met up again (this past friday) to talk about where this was going and if it was done for good or if we were giving it another shot. Mind you this entire time he is telling me we're gunna be together he loves me just needed space etc. We meet up and he told me we should talk about stuff. We did he swore he was never with another girl this time he was fine by himself he felt wrong with me and wrong without me. Pretty much destroying what was left of my sanity. He was "undecided". I understand that a stronger person a more sane person would of walked away a long time ago. I understand that he treated me like crap i understand that my friends are right when they say im acting like his door mat and i should leave. But icant i literally cannot walk away.

I started to cry in his car. LIKE BAD. And i kept saying to take me home if he cant decide it means he doesnt wanna do this to stop playing games with my head to leave me alone blah blah blah all this time sobbing. He started to cry and hold me and say how sorry he was and that he wanted to work on it. I told him i didnt believe him how i was scared to ever trust him again and that he cant just be with me because he feels bad im crying. He told me again that it wasnt true he wanted to work things out. So we got back together this past friday. Everything should be fine right? Wrong. Im TERRIFIED. everyday i wake up thinking omg is today the day he will decide to disappear again. Im afraid of doing something wrong to make him mad, im afraid of getting into an argument, im just afraid. I found out he was flirting with this girl telling his friends he was going to hook up with her (while we were on that break) but he swore to me that he never did it. That he wouldnt be able to look me in the eye if he did that if wanted to do it he would have but he couldnt he just wanted to look cool to his friends.

So pretty much i forgave him and took him back. Or rather he took me back. Im wondering if this is worth it will this work? I want it to work so bad i wont surivive if it doesnt i want to marry this kid. I have changed my ways with him and am not taking anything out on him im just scared he wont put in the same work for us to be forever. True love shouldnt be given up on right? Its something you should fight for even when love gets in the way right?

I just need someone to point my in the right direction and let me know if im making the right choice. Because im so sad all the time i still cant eat and i still cry. I feel so empty and i miss him even though we're back. Granted we got back together 2 days ago so maybe its just going to take time for me to trust again and get over what he put me through for over a month right?

Well if you got to the end of this post and dont think im insane i commend you . Thanks for listening.

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