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Re: Advice needed
Jul 8, 2010
I also don't know how much of this is stress related. The last few years has been the most stressful since for her since I've known her. There were some other issues out of anyone's control that came up that I haven't mentioned. A lot of her actions most likely are from BPD. She definitely has her codependency issues as well. I don't put up with that behavior much. I would always call her on what I saw, walk away and we would talk about it later when she calmed down. In our relationship I mean. We would talk about her problems with others when she addressed them, but I didn't actively seek out throwing things in her face. I'm not the type to try and run to escape my problems and I don't want to force others to face their own when not ready. It does more harm than good. I may set my problems aside from time to time, but usually that just means they will build up until I explode. I don't like doing that. I haven't always been this patient. I've just learned over the years some of my triggers and address them the best I can.

With the exception of the last few years, we have always been a team. She was different with me. She was completely open and honest. We had our stupid little arguments but nothing worth mentioning. It would end up with us agreeing to disagree. Our marriage was very strong. 100% trust. A closeness I can't even describe with words. I can honestly say that compared to other relationships, ours was one of a kind. I was in the Navy when we got married and even the time spent at sea, we never fell apart. Even though we were separated by distance, we were never distant from each other. I knew that she had friends and family that she could count on if she needed something.

I don't know what triggered this horrific downfall. It took a long time for me to look in and see how much of this was contributed by me and my relationship with her. For a while I figured that I had to have done something terrible and didn't realize it. Was I not attentive enough? Most likely. Was I not making her feel good about herself? Now I realize that I wasn't. She started treating me like one of her codependent relationships and I couldn't stand it. Again though, her problem not mine. I think she may have let too many things build up on her and with the declining health, it put a weight on top too heavy to support so she crumbled. Or was it the failing health that triggered the build up? I don't know.

This is where I stand now. I don't have these answers and she doesn't either. Regardless, it doesn't matter. What's done is done. It's up to her and the psychiatrist to unlock those doors. Continuing a marriage with her is not my concern. I treat others like I would want to be treated. If I had a hardwire problem, what would I want her to do for me? Is there in fact a hardwire problem? I'm going on 32 and have known her for 16 years now. I don't know what my problem is and why I'm flip flopping. Maybe it's because of my upbringing or my values. Perhaps my integrity. My wife is gone. My friend is still there.

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