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thank you both for your replies.

Yes, last night I was very upset, but instead of sitting for hours texting him and bugging him I texted my brother and that helped calm me down a whole lot. Alex (my bf) said that he would come see me at 12am, I thought that was kind of late so I pretty much stopped texting him and decided that if I was gonna get through the night I had to talk to someone else, so I started talking to my brother and that really helped ALOT. A few minutes later Alex told me that he would come around earlier. He came around 11pm and he told me that everything is fine and that he wants me to be a strong women and put him back in his place, he says that he knows I will get there, He says he believes in me.

earlier in the day, he had made me very angry and I told him that he wasn't going to disrespect me that way, he told me last night that that's the person he wants to be with.

The truth is, I want to be that way too, I know that I shouldn't be afraid to lose him, is he afraid to lose me? when I am this way, I dont believe so, but other times he is. The PTSD is a big problem, it causes the fear that I have and makes it 10000x worse, I guess I need to start small, I need to have small rules to take better care of myself in this relationship, since these things don't come naturally (as they do with most people).

as for why do I want to stay with him? Alex and I have our issues, we do, but we've grown a lot together and sometimes we just understand each other. We only have issues when we're apart, when we're together everything is fine, because my insecurities dont show up. Why don't I leave? this has been a problem for me since I was 16, since my first 'real' relationship, I have been doing the same thing over and over forever, and this guy I dated when I was 16, he was a very sweet person and I drove him away as well. I want to stand up for myself, I do, I really do! which is why I went to therapy because I thought that it could help me to become stronger, I think part of the problem is that I've been doing this for SO long, I was bullied a lot by boys when I was younger, they called me ugly and names and they would push me around all the time, but I never did anything, I always just took it because I never had the courage to do anything, all I ever wanted to do was run away and cry about it, my anger turned into sadness and sadness into tears. That's how I act now too, I do get angry, VERY angry, but it all turns into sadness and tears.

Both of you are right, I need to stand up for myself, I need to learn self assertiveness, I need to learn to not let people push me around, I need to learn to be angry and stay angry and express my anger. He told me the other day, "we never fight, we have emotional outbursts, but we never actually fight, you never stay angry, not even for an hour". This is what he wants, he wants me to get angry and be angry, and make him apologize to me, well, not make him, but cut him off long enough for him to worry about losing me. Does any of this make sense? He says that none of this is a game because he always wins and that it's boring to him, that he wants me to win too. He tells me that if he wants to leave, he is going to leave anyways, so why worry so much? why let it stop me? if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen and nothing I do will make it not happen, so I just need to go with it. he's right, all three of you are right.

but the real question is learning these skills, how do I fake them until I make them? I have read a self esteem book and some other relationship books, and the only thing I found relevant to me is a part in the back of my self esteem book that says "If you're still not okay", I feel like I'm still not okay... like I dont know, Like my pain is too great sometimes. This is such a difficult process, but I am really trying my best, everything I do is because I make up scenarios in my head and I start obssesing over them and I go all crazy and dumb.

I dont know if there's anything you can recommend, books? websites? anything? advice? The relationship probably isn't the issue as much as I am the issue. I am the issue, the constant in these relationsips has always been me, If I start feeling better, the relationship will start to take it's own course, one that I can either go with or leave.

I suppose I need help making a plan, do any of you guys know something good? like what I could do when I feel bad/terrible? when I'm so afraid and want to beg and cry and cry. I could REALLY use the outside input.

please help :(

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