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Relationship Health Message Board


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I was recently diagnosed with rapid-cycle bipolar disorder (about 2 months ago) and put on risperidone and prozac. It didn't seem to help much and possibly even seemed to make it worse after a few weeks. My psych doctor then took away the prozac and put me on tegretol and zoloft, which i haven't taken the zoloft and the other 2 over-medicated me to the point of falling asleep standing up at work one day and my boyfriend having to come and pick me up because my boss wouldn't let me drive the 45 minutes back home I was so lethargic. I slept for about a week and then stopped taking the tegretol so that now i'm only taking risperidone. And that seems to help with the mood swings a little but keeps me pretty depressed.
Last week, I finally had a really great week with no depression, no mood swings to speak of, good energy level, good/happy mood and no lingering irrational thoughts that i couldn't get rid of. Not to say that I didn't have thoughts but when I did, I didn't dwell on them to the point of accusing my bf of cheating and sneaking around with someone else, which is what most of my irrational paranoid thoughts are about. ANd when they start, they don't stop and I can't make them go away.
About 4 or 5 days ago, my bf was going to take some papers for his mom over to the town where we work and normally would ask me to go with him. Well this day, he didn't and of course, that started the thoughts of him cheating and seeing someone else and I haven't been able to shake them since. So for 4 or 5 days now, it has been a constant onslaught of negative feelings and emotions from these thoughts and I don't know how much longer I can take it. If my bf does anything out of the ordinary, I think he is trying to hide things from me. When he gets up every morning the first thing he does is get on his computer on his e-mail and the sight that sounds like race-crook. After that he then gets on his PS3 to play games but it also has internet access so my mind starts thinking that he is even talking to someone on there. I won't even touch his computer anymore for fear of seeing something that will hurt me. He also has started playing poker on his computer and talking to the people he plays with as well as on his PS3. The other day I just happened to look up when he was trying to get people to join a poker game on the PS3 and some girl going by the call name of Sex Muffin was on there playing and of course, I thought to myself that she's probably the reason he's playing on this one. I mean, how crazy is that?? Or is it?? I know that in the past he has met girls on the computer and began a semi-relationship with one over the phone because she lived out of state. She used to call him at like midnight everynight when he and I first became reconnected (we went to school together and were really good friends back then and then both moved back to our hometown a little over a year ago and started hanging out as friends then it became more) and he would never answer the phone if he was around me. I'm guessing they were probably having sexual conversations and obviously he couldn't do that if I was there. Again, at that point, he and I were still just friends so it's not like I would've cared if he answered and talked to her. He stopped talking to her when somehow he found out that she was also talking with several other guys and apparently being inappropriate with them as well. I haven't looked in a long time but the last time i did look, she was still on his friend list on the other site that's not racecrook. He gets invitations all the time on his email on the dating websites from women who want to meet him but his account isn't active. But still, just the fact that he has no problem hooking up with women on the computer bothers me a great deal. Who knows who all he talks to on there when I'm not home?? The thing is about today's technology is everything has a delete button and even if he is doing something, I would never know and I tell him this when he offers to let me look at his email and racecrook. He even offered to let me see his phone records but one time months ago when we were fighting, he said "what do you think? i have 2 phones that i use?? one just for this supposed girl i'm seeing?" Well, people have been known to do things like that when they cheat so all that did was put that thought in my head. I don't understand why I can have 5 almost perfect days and then in the blink of an eye wake up one morning and start thinking things again!! And now when I get like that, he gets really defensive or he just ignores me so that makes me 100 times worse and worked up and angry. So it just goes on and on. almost anything he does when i get like this, i can twist it in my mind to make it like he's hiding things and cheating. yesterday, i picked up a shift for work in the morning and then we both worked the evening shift. Well, used to he would've gotten up and gone with me to work yesterday morning so we could ride together (my car is a piece of crap and falling apart)but the last 2 or 3 months he doesn't do that anymore. We work at a restaurant and if we just show up dressed for work even if we arent' on the schedule someone will usually let you work for them. I have even thought about having my friend who lives in our apt complex watch him when I'm gone but I just can't make myself do that. I think deep inside I don't want to know because I love him (my ex-husband cheated on me for 8 months in our home/bed) and I just don't think I could take it if I found out he really is seeing someone else. I don't know what I would do if I had to deal with that kind of pain ever again. I like to think that I would be okay, but I wouldn't. My counselor told me that I also fit the borderline personality disorder traits and I've been reading up on that a lot and I think i fit that a lot more than bipolar. I could go on and on about the things my bf does that will start me thinking he's cheating but I have already written so much. I'm sorry for the long post but don't know what else to do...I seriously sometimes think about taking my bottle of pills to make the thoughts go away because it is constant and making me so very miserable and affecting my relationship with my bf horribly. Today is our year anniversary and I feel nothing but animosity and confusion right now. Can someone please tell me what to do when these thoughts begin and especially when they go on for days like this?? It is ruining not only my relationship but my life! thanks so much!!





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