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Another chance?
Jul 24, 2010
I have been with my 'boyfriend' for 6 years. A lot of the time things are good. He can be very loving, caring and sweet BUT he has an anger problem. A really bad anger problem.

Last weekend he was driving me home after a petty disagreement. In the car he got so angry that he started yelling and screaming and ended up kicking me out. I was about 10-15 minutes away from my house. I walked home alone at 1 o'clock in the morning. He said that he came back for me a few minutes later but couldn't find me and he waited outside my house. When I got home and seen him standing outside I was so hurt and angry that I did not want to talk him. He grabbed my wrist and pretty much demanded that we talk. 15 minutes later or so he started apologizing profusely and let me go inside. He wrote me a ton of emails, texts and called non stop for the next 2 days begging to talk to me. Stupid me I decided to forgive him.

Today I got a pretty deep scratch by a stray animal and asked him to take me to see a doctor. He drove me to an after hours walk-in clinic. The doctor that was going to stitch me up was very rude and had blood stains all over his clothes. He also wasn't wearing any gloves and wanted to stick a needle in my face with his dirty, ungloved hands. I didn't want this man touching me and we decided to leave. I asked if we could go to a hospital instead. My 'boyfriend' freaked out. He was yelling that I was being selfish and that it would be an 8 hour wait in the emergency room and told me that I should either go alone and not be such a "baby" or wait for tomorrow. The entire ride home from the walk-in clinic he screamed, yelled and carried on about what a "brat" I was. He dropped me off at his place where my car was parked and when I got into my car to leave and drive myself to the emergency room he blocked my car. I got out and he begged me to let him take me to the hospital and went on about how sorry he was, still throwing in comments about me being "too sensitive" and "overreacting". He said that he got mad because I wasted his time by having him drive me to the walk-in clinic and not letting that doctor stitch me. He finally moved his car so I could leave. As I am driving myself to the emergency room he is calling me repeatedly. I decide to answer and he begs me to come back and tells me he will take me. I tell him that I will not come back and that I am going on my own. He gets mad that I am not doing what he wants and hangs up on me. I turned my phone off.

When I got back from the hospital I have 3 emails from him. He 'apologizes' but still thinks I am overreacting.

We had a horrible fight on my birthday a few months ago that ended with him promising to get help for his anger. He went to the doctors and got a referral to see a psychiatrist. He had the psych appointment for months and had ample time to arrange a day off from work to go. The day of the appointment he ends up working late and blew off the appointment.

I decided to give him another chance and I arranged for us to go to couples therapy after finding out he missed his psych appointment. He agreed to go and said it would be "good for us". The day of our first session we get stuck in traffic on the way there and he yells and screams at me. It was of course my fault that other people were using their cars on the same road at the same time. He threatened to turn around and said he wasn't going. He did end up going to the session and was absolutely furious with me over it but as soon as we walk through the door of the therapy clinic he is all smiles and very polite. He tells the therapist that he needs help with his anger that he really loves me and wants to make things work and that he understands what he is doing isn't fair to me.

We were unfortunately wait listed for therapy and we are supposed to start in mid September. I don't know at this point if it is worth it to wait for September or just to walk away from this relationship. I have very bad anxiety and mild post traumatic stress after a sexual assault that happened a few years ago (before I met my boyfriend) and my self is esteem is pretty non existent. I have tried to walk away countless times in the past but I always take him back. After a couple days of being upset with him I miss him. I miss being in a relationship and to be honest I worry about being alone.

He isn't always a terrorist. He does do a lot for me. Though come to think of it he usually whines, complains and yells before actually doing anything nice for me. He does have my name tattooed on his arm, that has to count for something right?

I think I know I need to leave this relationship. I just don't know if I am strong enough.
Re: Another chance?
Jul 30, 2010
Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this.

I would like to respond as someone who has been similar to your boyfriend. I have (had) an anger problem. I have never been physically abusive to my girlfriend but I have acted unfairly and similar to what you've gone through. I have gotten upset if we got lost and she was giving me directions or other stupid minor things.

I've realized that it's up to me to fix this -- for myself and for us. I started seeing a therapist and have been through 2 sessions already. My insurance didn't cover anything but the therapist offered $50 a session (normal charge of $75) so I went ahead with it. We meet once a month and I do feel that our two sessions so far have been helpful. I pretty much just let my heart out and she really has hit the nail on the head with a lot of things. I talk about my trust issues (which I have a thread on the main page if you wish you read it) and my anger issues.

I do feel that I have progressed with my anger issues but I still have a way to go. It is up to HIM to fix this. Don't fall into his trap of "I will hurt myself if you leave me". Stay away from him and don't talk to him. He needs to realize he needs to do this for himself and that's it. You are his comfort zone and if he gets you back in his life, he'll feel that he doesn't need to change anything. Things will be good for a little while and then you'll fall back into that trap. Do not respond to him in any way shape or form. Let him work this out on his own. I won't go as far as saying to end it for good, but give yourselves time apart for a little bit. As they say, if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.

My girlfriend and I have been through some tough times recently due to my behavior, not really anger issue but that is a part of it. I have looked at myself as a human being and asked myself, if I died tomorrow would people feel that I was a good person? While I do feel that I am, I feel that my anger issues and trust issues have taken over me and made me a person I don't wish to become. The point I'm trying to make is that it starts with HIM if he wants to make a change. As others have mentioned, talk to him after he's taken the anger management classes. Stay away from him. The worst thing you could do is talk to him, which would follow up with a visit and possible sexual contact. Don't let him experience you in any way shape or form.

I hope this post helps you and I hope that things work out for you. Please keep us updated and I will follow along and add anything that I feel may be helpful to you.

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