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Re: Another chance?
Jul 25, 2010
We live separately. He lives alone and I live with my mom while finishing my degree.

I wrote to him last night. I told him what his anger does to me and I told him that it is over. I said that I am blame for letting things get this bad. That I have given him my power and he knows that he can do whatever he wants to me feeling confident that I will stay and take it. I told him that I can't surrender my life to him anymore.

I woke up this morning to find him in my room. I guess my mom let him in, not knowing that things are over. He cried and said that I was right. That he knows he is abusing me. That he feels he has the power and that he treats me badly because he can. He said "I can't live without you". I told him he doesn't have a choice. He said "he does". He said that he needs help and asked me to "help him". I said no. I told him that I have tried to help him and he didn't want my help. I told him that I can't get sucked into this again. That I will only help myself from now on. I feel slightly empowered and heartbroken at the same time. He again said that he "can't live without me". I asked him not to do anything stupid. He answered with "I can't live without you, you are all I have". I know he is unstable and I am genuinely worried that he may be suicidal. Another part of me says that he is playing with my emotions. That this is an empty threat, he figures that if he threatens to harm himself that I will take him back. He has threatened suicide before when I have tried to leave this relationship. One time I called 911 when he sent me a suicide letter via text message and wouldn't answer my calls. The police found him driving close to my house and decided not to hold him because he is very good at convincing people that I am the "crazy/erratic" one. If he killed himself I could not live knowing that it was because of me....

I feel very trapped. He makes me feel like I am horrible for leaving him. He says that he needs help and that I am walking away from him. He makes me feel like I am turning my back on him in his time of need. I just hope I find the strength to end this for good.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. Cheesy but true. All my future goals, dreams and plans involve him. I wanted to finish school, find a job in my field, buy a house with him, marry him and have his children. We already started saving for the home we would buy together. I don't know where to go from here. He is my only social outlet. I don't have friends. Only him.

It is so hard to be strong when I have learned to be weak. Every time he called me a name or yelled in my face I internalized it was because I deserved it.

Finding another boyfriend is not a priority for me at the moment but I am worried that I never will. I have a horrible history with men. My father left me when I was 6. I was raped by an acquaintance at 16 and I let a man mentally and verbally abuse me for 6 years. 6 is not my number. How am I supposed to trust another man? Who is going to want to be in a relationship with me? I am worried that the only man I will find is another abuser. I feel like I am not worthy of being loved. There must be something inherently wrong with me.

I want to get help for myself but I don't know where to turn. The therapy we are being wait listed for is couples counseling. It is part of a study and they only take couples. I don't have the money to pay for counseling for myself. I have seen a few doctors before and all they do is prescribe anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs. I don't want to take drugs. I don't want to rely on drugs to make me feel good.

Larrylou's mom this really stuck with me "This guy will keep a knot in your stomach, your head confused, your heart aching, and your feet never able to find solid ground. That's not love, that's co-dependence". I don't want to be co-dependent and I don't want to feel like this. I just don't know how to be strong for myself. I changed my relationship status on a certain social networking site to single and my "friends" and family are already commenting that we will get back together. That "we do this all the time". I want to get away for good this time.
Re: Another chance?
Jul 28, 2010
Thanks for the replies.

I do feel that he can change. When him and I first started dating I had the control. We were young, it was my first real relationship and I sometimes abused my power over him. Things changed and I learned that it wasn't fair to treat him the way I did and I fixed it. Somewhere along the road he gained the upper hand over me. I think that we are old enough now that we need to let go of the mind games and manipulation. I know we both love each other and I do think our relationship can be saved. He just needs to find a better outlet for his anger.

A mutual friend of ours sent him a message over a social networking site asking if he was ok and said that he should just give me some time and that everything would work out in the end. My 'boyfriend' (not sure what to call him at this point) replied saying that he doesn't blame me for being mad, that he screwed up. He said that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that if he needs to let me go in order for me to be happy than that's what he will do. Does this mean that he is giving up?

I just don't know... it feels like I made a mistake... nobody is 100% happy in their romantic relationships right? We all feel let down and disappointed by the ones we love from time to time. Maybe I expect too much? All these blockbuster love stories have gotten to my head. We aren't actors in a movie... we are real people and people make mistakes...

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