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Another chance?
Jul 24, 2010
I have been with my 'boyfriend' for 6 years. A lot of the time things are good. He can be very loving, caring and sweet BUT he has an anger problem. A really bad anger problem.

Last weekend he was driving me home after a petty disagreement. In the car he got so angry that he started yelling and screaming and ended up kicking me out. I was about 10-15 minutes away from my house. I walked home alone at 1 o'clock in the morning. He said that he came back for me a few minutes later but couldn't find me and he waited outside my house. When I got home and seen him standing outside I was so hurt and angry that I did not want to talk him. He grabbed my wrist and pretty much demanded that we talk. 15 minutes later or so he started apologizing profusely and let me go inside. He wrote me a ton of emails, texts and called non stop for the next 2 days begging to talk to me. Stupid me I decided to forgive him.

Today I got a pretty deep scratch by a stray animal and asked him to take me to see a doctor. He drove me to an after hours walk-in clinic. The doctor that was going to stitch me up was very rude and had blood stains all over his clothes. He also wasn't wearing any gloves and wanted to stick a needle in my face with his dirty, ungloved hands. I didn't want this man touching me and we decided to leave. I asked if we could go to a hospital instead. My 'boyfriend' freaked out. He was yelling that I was being selfish and that it would be an 8 hour wait in the emergency room and told me that I should either go alone and not be such a "baby" or wait for tomorrow. The entire ride home from the walk-in clinic he screamed, yelled and carried on about what a "brat" I was. He dropped me off at his place where my car was parked and when I got into my car to leave and drive myself to the emergency room he blocked my car. I got out and he begged me to let him take me to the hospital and went on about how sorry he was, still throwing in comments about me being "too sensitive" and "overreacting". He said that he got mad because I wasted his time by having him drive me to the walk-in clinic and not letting that doctor stitch me. He finally moved his car so I could leave. As I am driving myself to the emergency room he is calling me repeatedly. I decide to answer and he begs me to come back and tells me he will take me. I tell him that I will not come back and that I am going on my own. He gets mad that I am not doing what he wants and hangs up on me. I turned my phone off.

When I got back from the hospital I have 3 emails from him. He 'apologizes' but still thinks I am overreacting.

We had a horrible fight on my birthday a few months ago that ended with him promising to get help for his anger. He went to the doctors and got a referral to see a psychiatrist. He had the psych appointment for months and had ample time to arrange a day off from work to go. The day of the appointment he ends up working late and blew off the appointment.

I decided to give him another chance and I arranged for us to go to couples therapy after finding out he missed his psych appointment. He agreed to go and said it would be "good for us". The day of our first session we get stuck in traffic on the way there and he yells and screams at me. It was of course my fault that other people were using their cars on the same road at the same time. He threatened to turn around and said he wasn't going. He did end up going to the session and was absolutely furious with me over it but as soon as we walk through the door of the therapy clinic he is all smiles and very polite. He tells the therapist that he needs help with his anger that he really loves me and wants to make things work and that he understands what he is doing isn't fair to me.

We were unfortunately wait listed for therapy and we are supposed to start in mid September. I don't know at this point if it is worth it to wait for September or just to walk away from this relationship. I have very bad anxiety and mild post traumatic stress after a sexual assault that happened a few years ago (before I met my boyfriend) and my self is esteem is pretty non existent. I have tried to walk away countless times in the past but I always take him back. After a couple days of being upset with him I miss him. I miss being in a relationship and to be honest I worry about being alone.

He isn't always a terrorist. He does do a lot for me. Though come to think of it he usually whines, complains and yells before actually doing anything nice for me. He does have my name tattooed on his arm, that has to count for something right?

I think I know I need to leave this relationship. I just don't know if I am strong enough.
Re: Another chance?
Jul 25, 2010
We live separately. He lives alone and I live with my mom while finishing my degree.

I wrote to him last night. I told him what his anger does to me and I told him that it is over. I said that I am blame for letting things get this bad. That I have given him my power and he knows that he can do whatever he wants to me feeling confident that I will stay and take it. I told him that I can't surrender my life to him anymore.

I woke up this morning to find him in my room. I guess my mom let him in, not knowing that things are over. He cried and said that I was right. That he knows he is abusing me. That he feels he has the power and that he treats me badly because he can. He said "I can't live without you". I told him he doesn't have a choice. He said "he does". He said that he needs help and asked me to "help him". I said no. I told him that I have tried to help him and he didn't want my help. I told him that I can't get sucked into this again. That I will only help myself from now on. I feel slightly empowered and heartbroken at the same time. He again said that he "can't live without me". I asked him not to do anything stupid. He answered with "I can't live without you, you are all I have". I know he is unstable and I am genuinely worried that he may be suicidal. Another part of me says that he is playing with my emotions. That this is an empty threat, he figures that if he threatens to harm himself that I will take him back. He has threatened suicide before when I have tried to leave this relationship. One time I called 911 when he sent me a suicide letter via text message and wouldn't answer my calls. The police found him driving close to my house and decided not to hold him because he is very good at convincing people that I am the "crazy/erratic" one. If he killed himself I could not live knowing that it was because of me....

I feel very trapped. He makes me feel like I am horrible for leaving him. He says that he needs help and that I am walking away from him. He makes me feel like I am turning my back on him in his time of need. I just hope I find the strength to end this for good.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. Cheesy but true. All my future goals, dreams and plans involve him. I wanted to finish school, find a job in my field, buy a house with him, marry him and have his children. We already started saving for the home we would buy together. I don't know where to go from here. He is my only social outlet. I don't have friends. Only him.

It is so hard to be strong when I have learned to be weak. Every time he called me a name or yelled in my face I internalized it was because I deserved it.

Finding another boyfriend is not a priority for me at the moment but I am worried that I never will. I have a horrible history with men. My father left me when I was 6. I was raped by an acquaintance at 16 and I let a man mentally and verbally abuse me for 6 years. 6 is not my number. How am I supposed to trust another man? Who is going to want to be in a relationship with me? I am worried that the only man I will find is another abuser. I feel like I am not worthy of being loved. There must be something inherently wrong with me.

I want to get help for myself but I don't know where to turn. The therapy we are being wait listed for is couples counseling. It is part of a study and they only take couples. I don't have the money to pay for counseling for myself. I have seen a few doctors before and all they do is prescribe anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs. I don't want to take drugs. I don't want to rely on drugs to make me feel good.

Larrylou's mom this really stuck with me "This guy will keep a knot in your stomach, your head confused, your heart aching, and your feet never able to find solid ground. That's not love, that's co-dependence". I don't want to be co-dependent and I don't want to feel like this. I just don't know how to be strong for myself. I changed my relationship status on a certain social networking site to single and my "friends" and family are already commenting that we will get back together. That "we do this all the time". I want to get away for good this time.

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