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Relationship Health Message Board


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Hello. I am 29 years old, have been married a little over a year and have a 4 month old little boy. My husband met in where we live now and shortly after dating in the same city we were long distance due to his job. We continued to date, I questioned his fidelity at one point and retaliated by cheating on him with my ex boyfriend. He does not know this. I know about his indiscretions as I saw text messages. Our long distance relationship was up and down and he proposed when we was transferred back to the city where we originally met.

I was hoping being engaged and getting married would help our commiunication. However I realize that our communication from long distance suffered and we needed to learn to commuicate. I was in constant worry of losing him or worrying if he was the one. But much of it was due to my insecurity.

I also have problems with finances. I have attended Debtors Anonymous and worked on curtailing spending in secret. It has been an issue in our marriage. I would buy something for instant gratfication when I felt sad or unloved by my husband.

He threatened to leave me a lot early in the marriage and being afraid of losing him I got pregnant. We planned on trying for a family shortly after getting married but I took matters into my own hands. I realize this was a completely selfish thing to do, to my husband, myself and unborn child, and now son. He figured out what I did and was very upset and said I used the one thing he valued most, family, and used it against him.

He somehow forgave me or was willing to stay with me as we continued on in our relationship. We celebrated our first anniversary and he wrote on the card, thank you for the happiest year of my life. It amazes me how much he loved/loves me.

However, I feel as though anger and resentment still linger as when he gets frustrated with me, he will ignore me, threaten me and only spend time with the baby and will be verbally abusive. I have told him to do that and he responds that I derserve it when he feels I have not communicated aptyl or have done something to upset him.

I admit our communication needs to continue to imprive, but now I feel as thougth we both feel trapped. I don't like that he threatens me and how he feels it is okay to be verbally abusive. However I feel he must feel trapped in our marriage due to my getting pregnant and we don't believe in divorce.

I want to work things out but he avoids the situation and refuses to go to counseligin stating the problem is not his and that I can go and work on my problems.

I don't know what to do and whether I should discuss this with him and chance everyone finding out that I got pregnant on purpose and my financial poor decisions and move on and live to co-parent while being apart. I know it would be hurtful to many but living with this guilt and these secrets is draining and we both deserve to be free.

Sometimes he scares and I need to be able to stand up to him. I feel as though he sees me as a weak person and preys on that weakness. But part of me feels as though I deserve it. I would like to get to a place where our marriage can be saved.

Any advice?





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