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Hey all and thank you River Rocks, Preciouskitty and Frikita for your messages and support. I'm sorry I haven't been around - it feels like ages ago since august yet things haven't changed even if they have..

I got to work for awhile but it didn't really go anywhere for reasons not related to me so I'm back at home. There's going to be a chance to meet other "newbies" in this area later - maybe I 'll find some social life there - friends or just mates, outside the house and I've started studying thru internet to keep me busy.

When it comes to the relationship I'm really not sure where this is heading - lately it's been again fairly bad (constant ups and downs) and I've had some serious fairly scary thoughts in my head (stress related?) which I'm totally against in general but something in my head keeps telling me to stop the pain somehow... I have to remind you that it's not all 100% bad, we've had a good period of good times but when it gets bad, it all fades away and the bad part swallows us - specially I am affected for a long time, he seems to bounce back fairly fast. When it's good, it's REALLY good and I miss those moments like my heart is breaking when we hit this phase of everything just going down the drain. (is this depression?!)

River Rocks wrote: "Its not you!! I Know its hard to NOT blame yourself.." Well the problem is no longer in my speaking or anything along that's about me and only me at least according to him.

You know how people always say that they do not want fighting to be about picking up the past bur focus on the matter in hand. Well so did he say too but (and I hate to use this word) every time we fight he brings up all the mistakes (things he sees as my mistakes) I've made in the past, all the old fights, all the times I "hurt his feelings" when not thinking about his feelings etc. (and obviously those times I see quite differently)

He's managed to change me from passive-aggressive (according to him) when it comes to fighting - aka he has made me a person I do not want to be; shouting, using sarcastic and ironic tones etc. when fighting - I bite my teeth not to cry and just try to defend myself and clear the situation the best I can - ending up more and more trapped into his arguments. I feel like he's dragged me into his level of it - he wanted me NOT to be passive-aggressive (aka silent) but to express myself - now I do and even that is not good enough. So yes Frikita, I'm trying to answer fire with fire but unfortunately it just gets worse that way. Not to mention it's completely against my nature and makes me feel uncomfortable and faking..

And how I ended up writing "it's about me"? Well apparently in his mind I'm a loser, a person full of hollow words and now capability to fulfill my promises to better myself, completely incapable of evolving and developing myself (correct my faults) which just makes me "like all the others", stupid and "a moron". I'm the one starting or causing the fights every time, I'm the one causing the problems, hurting his feelings, neglecting his efforts etc. .... and these are the words from his mouth.

Sure I know I'm for example easily annoyed (one of the things we've fought about) but I try to learn how to control myself - if I used to open my mouth and snap I nowadays try to stay quiet, take a breath and think that if he says something, he's probably trying to give an advice, not order , he's not "the enemy"- he's probably trying to express something and not accuse me of something...even if his voice is hard, annoyed, even if his words are accusing and hurtful...but still, that's not good enough according to him, since my annoyance is written in my face, I carry an aura of it and it's offending to him..when all he's doing is give an advice or sth. I thought I was making a progress slowly myself with learning different ways of dealing with annoyance but according to him I'm just lying to myself and haven't made any changes (aka. I'm still getting annoyed in the first place) and I'm no good and just here to hurt him and if and when the relationship ends it's all my fault. He gives no credit of those times when things are good, when I do not snap etc. but crushes everything by saying "there's nothing" and that I'm "incapable of communicating anything" (unlike himself) and the prospects of me even slightly getting better are basically 0.

Maybe I'm going mad then? Maybe it is really me who sets the fires and forces him to call me "bi**ch" and "c**nt" ...frankly, I'm not sure anymore and sometimes it makes my head feel like exploding. In me there's a voice telling that he's manipulating things to please his agenda, that his "memory" of things is not the right one for I remember things slightly differently (then who's right?). Yet I'm too tired and scared to start arguing did I say something before or after he said something. He tells me "to get over it" when I say I'm too scared to approach him with things for I'm scared that he might flip. He says I'm insulting his intelligence by even assuming that ... I try to tell him that maybe I'm hurting too and that's one of the reasons why I react as I do sometimes (because I'm not recognized at all in the fights as a human with feelings) - he tells me he doesn't care, that his feelings are those that need to be addressed and focused.... so I don't matter...

We don't fight over money, household chores, relatives etc. all the "normal" stuff. We fight over how "he feels" or how i "do something to hurt him"...and always it's my fault :S And every time things get really bad he gives me the ultimatum of divorce if I don't change! I've never cheated, I've never started shouting and trashing things, I do not hold back affection or let all my pms rage out, I try help, listen, support etc... I try to be a good wife, supporter, lover, friend etc. but it seems all there is are my flaws and faults. All the good just loses its meaning.

Sure I could do what FRIKITA says, threat to leave and see what happens. But I don't want to steep into his level and use something so powerful as a weapon. So yes one can say I'm afraid of the result of really leaving and him actually letting me go - which would just prove what a moron I've been to think he actually loves me. I don't know if anyone is really capable of such cambling? I love him still and even the thought of leaving him breaks my heart.

If there's anyone who can tell me how to handle things w/o leaving or going into a substance abuse or just let myself go crazy to ease the pain I'd be happy to hear it. I don't know if it's about narcism or BPD or anger management problems or what and who is the one with the problem here... I appreciate all your support and messages I've received and I know things are bad now but slowly they (hopefully) start getting better again - each time it just takes more and more time.

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