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Been with boyfriend for three years but can't stop thinking about my ex.?
My current boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We are in our late 20;s, and we live together, and have had our ups and downs. For the most part we get along pretty good. The main problems we have had has been his lack of effort in the relationship as far as ever going anywhere with me, but we have talked about this, and i do admit he is trying harder. The other issue is a money issue. He always tends to make not spending money a bigger priority then anything else. I'm not money stupid, neither of us have debt other than our vehicles loans, so it's not like I am trying to bankrupt the guy. I would just like to see a movie or go to lunch once a month. The only time we do these is if I pay, and he makes alot more money then I do. He doesn't really do much of his share of the housework (or any), but that is something I can deal with if I have to.

We get along good in all other areas. We never argue or bicker. We have fun together, and he makes me laugh all the time. We are attracted to each other, and I do trust him. The first two years were the best two years I've spent with someone. But there is never any talk of further commitment. I'm going to be 29 soon, and am thinking about kids and marriage. I know eventually he wants these too, but it's not something he talks about happening in the near future. (Near I mean the next 2 years or so). He isn't really someone easy to talk about things with.

The ex I used to date for 2 years (not living together), when I was 23-25 years old, was a great guy. We got along really well. He was and still is really close to my family. My dad still interally pines that I will get back with him someday. He let it slip once to me. Not because he doesn't like my current bf, but he just really likes this guy. I ended up being the one that broke up with him because he was ready to settle down, have a wife and kids, and at the age of 25 I was not ready for that at all. He dated one girl since then for a brief period, but it didn't work out. We've always seen each other because we have the same small group of friends. It took probably a year or more for us to be able to be around our friends at the same time without it being completely awkward, but it has gotten better. So we've remained friends, once that awkward part was over. About 8 months after he and I broke up, I started dating the guy I am with now. The main attraction to my current bf was we were on the same level. We were in no rush to settle down, and it took us 1.5 years to move in together, and that's what i needed at the time.

My current bf has always known about my ex and that we aren't enemies, and they get along ok.

So my ex knew when my current boyfriend and I were having problems (that I described in the beginning of this post). He has made it perfectly clear to me that he still loves me, and still wants to marry me, and will never stop feeling this way. It got me thinking, and I have developed feelings for him again. Well I should say they have re-surfaced as I've always had them, but I just put them aside. He is just such a kind person, and deep down inside I've always known he felt this way. With him i know that he will always take care of me (I don't mean that in 50's housewife way, as I always want to have my career), but in all areas, which is a huge question mark with my current boyfriend. I can't stop thinking about him lately. We've started talking a little more then we did, and communication is just so easy with him. We've talked about everything you can imagine.

All we have done is talk, there hasn't been anymore. I love my current bf and don't want to hurt him. The thought of hurting him breaks my heart, as I know he is happy, and he is a really good guy. It's a horrible feeling to think of the day one of us moves out. But at the same time, I still love my ex and everything seems to flow so perfectly with him and it's just getting stronger the more we talk. I just don't know what to do!
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;4311116]So, if kids are a goal for you, let's leave the ex out of it for a minute, here. This current guy you are with, can you imagine him being the father of your kids? What about when the kids want to go to a movie, or want to go skating, or want to have a birthday party or a sleep over. Try to imagine what raising a kid would be like with a man who never helps at all around the house and who hates to spend any kind of money at all.

I still didn't really see an answer to my one question - which of these guys do you feel is the better FRIEND? You said you connected with the current guy better than you did with the ex AT FIRST, but now, not so much. Is it something you think the two of you can recapture? Does he even want to? Or is it all your problem as far as he's concerned? The bottom line is, can you imagine living the rest of your life and raising a child in the situation you are now living?

I know it's hard. I myself am actually pretty terrible when it comes to such big life decisions. I just made a whopper of mistake myself (went to the wrong dentist and he messed me over good). I made this very regrettable mistake because I didn't go with my gut. I went with my head and ignored all the subtle, intangible information my gut was screaming at me. What is your gut screaming at you? It's got to be telling you something. Can you block out the noise and try to focus on what your gut is telling you?[/QUOTE]

Hmm...that's a tough one. The better FRIEND right now is defiantly the ex. I say this because even when the dating had ended, we still connected as friends only. I know he'd probably give me the shirt off of his back if he had to. He'd do anything for me, without ever asking for anything in return, even if we were both married to other people 10 years down the road. We have a much deeper connection, since he is close to my family (as in he'll go visit them once a week or so, now, even though I am not in the picture), and we have the same friends. He likes to go out and do things just as much as I do. He'll always be in the picture because of our friends, weather I like it or not, the same as me to him. We talk alot easier about important issues then I do with my boyfriend.

I think romantically, obviously right now my boyfriend and I connect better, just because I love him. But maybe I am blinded by my rose colored glasses. If we were to break up, I'm sure there wouldn't be a long lasting friendship like there is with my ex.

I guess I never thought of who is the better friends as being a quality to look for. I've been focusing on the romantic aspect and the fact that I really do love my boyfriend. I love him alot. He took my breath away in the beginning and I never had a doubt in the world that he is who I wanted to be with. And I could see him as the father of my children, but I guess not in the situation we are in now, but more in how it was 6 months ago. He is trying to be more appreciative, he really is. I see your point about the money with children involved. That wouldn't be a desired situation to have to pay for everything a child may want.

I'm not sure if he sees it as all my problems. It's possible I guess, that he thinks I am overreacting and is just temporarily trying to put in more effort to keep the peace. Not sure. I guess that is something I should be trying to look for an answer to. If these issues were resolved, mainly the money/going out issue, I could see things with him working out. As much as I hope that things get better, part of me is thinking that it's temporary, and is a little nervous of if it got this bad 3 years in, how will it be 10 years in? That's the biggest thing my gut is telling me.

I'm not sure he realizes how much this effects our relationship. I don't know how else to tell him, besides telling him I'm not happy with it.





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