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Been with boyfriend for three years but can't stop thinking about my ex.?
My current boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We are in our late 20;s, and we live together, and have had our ups and downs. For the most part we get along pretty good. The main problems we have had has been his lack of effort in the relationship as far as ever going anywhere with me, but we have talked about this, and i do admit he is trying harder. The other issue is a money issue. He always tends to make not spending money a bigger priority then anything else. I'm not money stupid, neither of us have debt other than our vehicles loans, so it's not like I am trying to bankrupt the guy. I would just like to see a movie or go to lunch once a month. The only time we do these is if I pay, and he makes alot more money then I do. He doesn't really do much of his share of the housework (or any), but that is something I can deal with if I have to.

We get along good in all other areas. We never argue or bicker. We have fun together, and he makes me laugh all the time. We are attracted to each other, and I do trust him. The first two years were the best two years I've spent with someone. But there is never any talk of further commitment. I'm going to be 29 soon, and am thinking about kids and marriage. I know eventually he wants these too, but it's not something he talks about happening in the near future. (Near I mean the next 2 years or so). He isn't really someone easy to talk about things with.

The ex I used to date for 2 years (not living together), when I was 23-25 years old, was a great guy. We got along really well. He was and still is really close to my family. My dad still interally pines that I will get back with him someday. He let it slip once to me. Not because he doesn't like my current bf, but he just really likes this guy. I ended up being the one that broke up with him because he was ready to settle down, have a wife and kids, and at the age of 25 I was not ready for that at all. He dated one girl since then for a brief period, but it didn't work out. We've always seen each other because we have the same small group of friends. It took probably a year or more for us to be able to be around our friends at the same time without it being completely awkward, but it has gotten better. So we've remained friends, once that awkward part was over. About 8 months after he and I broke up, I started dating the guy I am with now. The main attraction to my current bf was we were on the same level. We were in no rush to settle down, and it took us 1.5 years to move in together, and that's what i needed at the time.

My current bf has always known about my ex and that we aren't enemies, and they get along ok.

So my ex knew when my current boyfriend and I were having problems (that I described in the beginning of this post). He has made it perfectly clear to me that he still loves me, and still wants to marry me, and will never stop feeling this way. It got me thinking, and I have developed feelings for him again. Well I should say they have re-surfaced as I've always had them, but I just put them aside. He is just such a kind person, and deep down inside I've always known he felt this way. With him i know that he will always take care of me (I don't mean that in 50's housewife way, as I always want to have my career), but in all areas, which is a huge question mark with my current boyfriend. I can't stop thinking about him lately. We've started talking a little more then we did, and communication is just so easy with him. We've talked about everything you can imagine.

All we have done is talk, there hasn't been anymore. I love my current bf and don't want to hurt him. The thought of hurting him breaks my heart, as I know he is happy, and he is a really good guy. It's a horrible feeling to think of the day one of us moves out. But at the same time, I still love my ex and everything seems to flow so perfectly with him and it's just getting stronger the more we talk. I just don't know what to do!
Thanks everyone for the replies so far. It feels good to get this off my chest and get some feedback. All of my friends that I can talk to are also my ex's friends, so I've been trying to keep this to myself as much as I can for now. Plus they all really like my current bf as well. The less drama the better.

I guess you are right. I do feel treated unfairly. And you are right on the button Larrylou'smom, we split every bill 50/50. Well actually probably I pay a little more, because I pay for the groceries and he pays the rent. We have a great deal renting through a family friend, so our grocery bill is actually about $100 more a month then our rent. Things have been a little tense between us since last winter, probably March 2010. But we've been living together since April 2009. I guess maybe it took that long for me to get frustrataed. I'm not sure.

He is a hard person to talk to, because constructive talking usually turns into fighting with him. That's one of our biggest issues. We never ever fight about anything, unless it has to do with me wanting to discuss something in our relationship. I think he feels like I am attacking him or something. But I did tell him a few weeks ago that I was unhappy about how he never puts in any effort, and like I mentioned, he is trying harder, and I'm thankful for that. I don't ever want to be a high maintenance person, and i never want him for his money, but I would like a bit of effort. The thing I asked for was being able to go to something for "us" one night a month. Dinner, movie, lunch, walk together, or even just renting a movie. All of those would make me happy. I don't need to be spoiled, just appreciated. All of this used to be natural for him for the first few years, but it seems to have just faded off. I still try and do little things for him, as I don't expect to receive without giving. Just things like make him his favorite muffins, or favorite meal, or grab him his favorite beer if I go to get a bottle of wine. Just small things that would make him feel like I am thinking of him.

He has many good qualities too. He is an affectionate person, physically. He loves to cuddle, loves to hold hands, kisses me all the time. That makes me feel good, and I know he really loves me. I don't question that at all. I know he is happy. He is very trusting, and I trust him completely. No jealousy, no drama. I love that about him. He doesn't do drugs, or have any more then a few social drinks on weekends. Something that is important to me. He has a great family. I get along well with them. He gets along well with my group of friends. Everyone seems to like him. We do both work alot, so he usually leave in the morning about 6:30am while I am just getting up to get ready for work, and he gets home about 6pm. So I can see how during the week not much is done together.

What I ment about us being attracted to each other, besides the sex, is that I can still 3 years later look at him, and he takes my breath away. In my eyes, he is gorgous.

Now for the ex. I broke up with him when I was 25, he was 28, after being with him for 2 years. He lived right down the road from me (we live in a small community), so I could see him everyday. We didn't live together, but I spent alot of time at his place. Yes, he is very clean and self sufficiant. We did get along well, as we have alot in common, same friends, and he is a very kind and effectionate person. He also was one of those people who would buy flowers for me all the time, we went out all the time etc. That was always nice. THe main problem was I had always been in a long term relationship since I was 18. The guy I dated before him I was with for years, and he cheated on me. So we broke up and after couple months I had started dating this guy. So when I was 25, and he was ready for marriage and wanted kids, I felt like I had hardly lived. It wasn't necessarily that I wanted to see what else was out there, but I hadn't had the "party" stage, of just going out with friends, and being completely care free. I honestly wasnt ready for marriage or babies at that time, and it was to the point that I knew he was probably ready to pop the question at any moment. Rather than have to say "no" to the engagement, I decided to end it before it got to the point where he had spent alot on a ring, and gotten the courage up to propose. So that's what happened. Obviously things weren't smooth between us for awhile, as he was hurt, so we didn't really speak that much for about a year, and then since we had no choice, since we had the same friends, we adjusted and were able to be around each other.

I had moved to the next town over during this time, and that is when I started dating my current bf. It started out very causal, as at the time I had been hanging out with other friends of mine (who have since all moved away), that were his friends also. So the causal dating and mutual friends seemed like the level of relationship that I needed at that time. Things progressed and we eventually became more serious, and it didn't feel rushed to me at all. That is how, now 3 years later, we are together and living together.

I've always had feeling for my ex. I've always thought he was a great guy, and part of me always loved him. But it was kind of easy to put aside when this person I connected with better at the time was in my life, and at the same time my ex was dating the only other girl he dated breifly since we broke up. We were all able to be around each other wihtout any drama, and things seemed to be going good. I always knew my ex still loved me. I could tell by the way I'd catch him looking at me, things he could say to other people, etc. So it wasn't a surprise at all when he told me.

We've always talked a bit, but we have started talking more lately. We talk about everything from favorite vacation destinations to the price of gas, so it's not that we are always talking about his undying love. We just talk to talk because we connect so well.

But when we did have that conversation, he told me that when he met me 6 years ago, he knew I was "the one", and nothing has ever made him think any differently. Even though we havn't been together for over 3.5 years, his feelings havent changed, and he still wants to marry me someday. He said that is why when he tried to move on with the other girl it didn't last long as he couldn't get me out of his head. If I hadn't of started dating the guy I am with now, we probably would have ended up back together once I got to the point of feeling like I am ready to settle down. I know for certain this would have happened.

I have never promised him anything, or ever talk about my current bf to him, or ever mentioned leaving him. I don't ever want to say anything like that unless I am sure what i want. Right now he is saying he is just so happy that we can talk again, without it being so weird and awkward like it was for so long.

Life with my ex would probably be alot easier, in terms of financially, and affectionately. But again, I never want to base anything on money. I have an okay job, and I don't ever want to leave it (well except for retirement), so that is never been much of a factor when looking for a partner. The only thing is i know my ex would probably be alot more fair then my current bf is in ALL aspects. I do know we get along, I do know he isn't afraid of commitment (obviously), and there is most defiantly chemistry and attraction. He is a very thoughtful person, and like I said before, I already know how well we get along.

In all honestly, the biggest problems my current bf and I have (even before the ex said what he said) is that he is soo tight with his money that is actually causees stress on the relationship, and that he isn't ready to commit. Renting a $5.00 movie shouldn't be a splurge like it is in his world. He isn't broke, and he isn't saving up for anything at the moment. I'd be surprised in five years if he was ready to commit then. (marriage). Marriage isn't a huge priority to me, except for the fact that I am going to be 29 in 2 months, and I would really like to have kids within the next 2-3 years. I know you don't have to be married to have children, but I guess it's just something I would prefer. My current boyfriend has told me he does want to have kids and get married someday, but to me it seems that it's one of those way off in the distance goals. I truthfully could see him wanting to have children before he wanted to get married. I guess that isn't wrong, so maybe I shouldn't stress over that?

So he does have his bad qualities, but in all truthfulness, I do love him. He makes me smile daily, and we have fun together even when we are just sitting home on the coach. I still swoon when I look at him, even 3 years later. The thought of leaving him just makes me feel sick. I love him to pieces, but just wish it was a little easier with him.

Anyways, I hope this gives a more indepth look into the situation, and makes me look less like a robot.

Thank you everyone for offering your advice. It is very helpful to be able to get other's feedback on this issue that has been making my mind swirl for awhile now.





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