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Hi all...I am looking for some opinions on what might have happened to my relationship with my husband...
After not being able to find a job here in colorado, we decided to apply in another state. We both agreed on texas after a lot of discussion between the 2 of us and our children. So my husband accepted a job down there in October of 09 we stayed here while he got on his feet down there and to save up the money to get us a house. Before he left he kept telling me he was glad our relationship was so good or this never would work. Meaning he wouldn't do well thinking I might be back here with someone else, I guess.
His best friends soon to be ex wife had moved back down there to her parents house a couple of months prior to him going. Which made his going down a lot easier because he had people he knew, her parents are great people.
The first couple of months we talked on the phone and texted eachother, he would tell me how much he loved me and asked me to marry him again and was always saying how he couldn't wait to start a new life with me there. Our sex life has always been just there, I really don't have much drive so we would discuss that and he said he had been doing a lot of reading on the internet and figured some things out that he wanted us to try and see if we could make it better. Pretty soon that's all he wanted to talk about, he wanted to have phone sex and I just couldn't do it. His parents are upstairs and I have 5 kids who were all in the basement with me. I just never felt I could do that without someone hearing me. So I would send him sex texts and emails and even sent him an erotic(for lack of a better word)package in the mail. Apparently that all wasn't enough.
Anyway, in that first 2 months he had dinner at our friends house down there a few times. He flew back here to see us 1 time and I could sense he was different. But just blew it off and figured it was because he was away from us for 6 weeks, we have never been apart for more that 5 days.
He went back and whenever we would talk he would tell me how different our friend was than what he thought, he would say she is really cool, we thought she was always kind of snooty. He would always offer his opinion on her looks too, she was hideous he would say and didn't know what his best friend saw in her. After a couple of months he would tell me how depressed he was feeling, all I could do is say how sorry I was and offer my ear to listen and anytime I'd try telling him how I was feeling he just didn't want to hear it. It seemed it was all about him and I couldn't possibly have any problems being here without him because I had my kids and his parents. He just kind of stopped calling as often, he said he hated texting so that just slowly faded as well. He stopped mentioning our friend and when I'd ask if he talked to her hed just tell me not in a long time. I couldn't check his call log because he would use his work cell all the time and not his personal anymore.
When we would talk he would say how he hated texas now and I just figured it was because we weren't there so I became very persisant on him getting a place and getting us down there ASAP. He took that as me not caring about his feelings I guess. All he would tell me is that he hated texas, was feeling really depressed and missed us badly. I would tell him to just come home then, we will figure something else out and hed say no, I can't. Then he just quit talking to me about anything. He stopped calling and texting, I'd be the one to call or text and sometimes wouldn't get a response. He flew back for christmas and I just knew something was wrong, he wasn't affectionate towards me at all and only wanted sex once. He also spent an unusual amount of time in the bathroom. And he kept wanting to hear uncle cracker "smile" which made me feel awkward. He was so distant it was wierd. I asked him and he said it was just because he was so used to us not being around and was feeling funny about the change in our lives. He went back after christmas and we really didn't talk much. He was always tired and said he was going to bed early all the time. Seemed he was always mad at me for something. Then in the middle of march he flew back here for a seminar. He had been here for 4 days only wanted sex once and just sex, no affection, nothing. Then on the 4th day he told me it was over, he was done and wanted a divorce. I was devistated and it was so out of the blue, I could not figure out why. He said well you don't trust me anyway. I said yes I do, wtf??? And he said well I don't trust you. That was unexpected because before he left he sure did trust me. I took him to the airport and on the way he said he wasn't sure that's what he wanted, he needed a little time to think. I was really happy at the time about that. After he left for the next week I couldn't sleep and all I could think is that there was or is someone else, maybe our mutual friend. Or maybe he wanted something to happen and was feeling guilty. So I spent that week on the phone with my best friend, my brother and his best friend. My best friend and brother both said the same things, this has got to be because of someone else. Not because I am perfect or anything. Just because of the situation. His best friend told me he had been waiting for me to call, he had been thinking the same things and said if I called his suspicions might be right. He then told me how my hub and his wife had taken their daughter to the park several times and said he knew they talked on the phone all the time. I was furious, so I called an attorney before I talked to him because I was sure it was an affair with her. I kind of freaked, but I wanted to know my options with my kids before I confronted him. After all that I called and asked him, he was totally calm and assured me that that was not the case, absolutely not. After talking awhile I calmed down, still having many doubts though. He decided to move back here and came back the beginning of april. I had no proof of anything so I decided I just had to believe him. That's all I could do. But that's not so easy. Now 4 months later, he is still not very affectionate and never says I love you first. We have talked many times about it. He says he's sure it was a mental breakdown. And he's still trying to deal with that. Sorry this was a novel and might be rambling. I'm just so confused and have been so depressed the last couple of weeks and I know we need counseling. But now I'm not sure I want it, I feel like I should just leave. Any advice, opinions or comments will be greatly appreciated. thanks in advance. Oh and when I asked him about the park and why he didn't tell me, he said because he didn't want to make me mad. He just knew I'd freak. But yet I didn't have a problem with him going there for dinners and watching movies with her and her parents. I trusted him to do so. So that didn't make sense that he knew I'd be mad. Sorry so long. Thanks :)
I'm not sure what I am going to do yet. I have been a housewife/mom for the last 15 years therefore my only other option is to move back to montana with my dad. I would take my 2 girls and leave my 3 boys here with him. I really do not want to do that. My kids are all really close with eachother. All of us are really close and it would just break my heart to seperate them. There is so much more to our story, I will some other things and try not to make it too long.
We lived in montana 9 years ago. Before moving here to colorado, I did something really really dumb. Hubby was always treating me like crap, I felt used all the time and really truely felt as if he hated me. I hung in there because I didn't feel I had another option. My parents were not very supportive at that time as they were having their own problems. He never helped me around the house, never helped with the kids, no diaper changing. He wasn't a bad father though, he loved our boys. He would come home from work with a look of disgust all the time and claimed he was just tired. About 6 months before our move down here he started acting really strange. Was very paranoid about what I was doing. Although I never thought it was an affair because he had no time. He was at work then home. And I just never thought he would do that. Well 5 mths later, I went out with a freind and ran into some guy friends, one in peticular who paid lots of attention to me, always. I ended up staying with him and we had a one night stand type thing. He was so nice, he actually made love to me and made me feel special. I was not out looking for sex or an affair. It just happened. Well next day hubby throws all my stuff out and slowly moves another woman in. He told my parents I was on meth and just abandoned him and the kids. Once he moved her in I figured it had to have been going on for awhile in the back of my mind. But didn't really want to believe it. He filed for divorce and got custody of the kids, my parents thought I was on drugs so they were apprehensive about helping me. Thought the kids would be better off. Later on they beleived I wasn't on drugs. Anyway, I really missed him and our kids so I asked his forgiveness and asked him to take me back. He said yes with some counseling. After we got back together he told me about the affair. It had been going on for about 4 months prior to my one night stand. That hit me like a ton of bricks. To this day I can't forget about it. When we mover here 9 years ago everything was great, we didn't really talk about remarrying and I guess just didn't see a need to. Anytime the subject would come up though he has always had an excuse. He just recently enrolled in college and put that he is a single father of 5, he says lots of people told him to do so. He would get more aid. Told me to research it after I got upset about it. So I did, he's not any better off being single, unless I worked and made good money. Which I do not. When I told him. He just said well I'm not putting you on anything as married because of my back taxes. He said I don't need that burden. That is the lamest thing I have ever heard. Although I guess I am greatful because he is spearing me owing that as well if I did decide to leave. But now I can't put on anything that I live here for fear of him or myself getting in trouble. When I told him this he says we will just approach it when the time comes. I just recently took the ged test(waiting for results)and would like to go to school as well, but I have no address here in colorado. Then he tells me he is sure my dad will pay for it if I can't get aid. I have been severly depressed the last few weeks, way more than usual for me and 3 nights ago he asks me if I want to go to counseling with him. I started crying thinking he actually sensed something was wrong and wanted to fix it, but that wasn't the case. I had done some minor things that irritated him. Like choosing to believe that my son did turn in his math paper and maybe the teacher misplaced it. Because he has always handed in his homework, so I had no raeson not to believe him. Sorry so long again, but this is the reason I just don't know what to do. One part of me wants to try and the other doesn't. And I love my kids and don't want to seperate them. I just don't think I can not ever believe that something didn't happen in texas and always have our past haunting me anytime we get in an arguement. I don't think he will ever change, I don't think he will ever try and take the time to actually make love to me. I don't think he wants to be affectionate either. I used to feel important, like I had the most important job of raising kids, but he has made me just feel like its not that important and its not good enough. I need a career. Uhgg!!!

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