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Relationship Health Message Board

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I have been really hateful to everybody lately, I have been trying to keep from getting hurt by everybody, therefore, I'm hurting everybody that I am around before they have a chance to hurt me, I was in a 3 year relationship and I broke up with her, she is a beautiful girl and worships the ground I walk on, I have had a lot of problems in my past and cant seem to talk to anybody about them, when my mother or sisters or friends come to me and try to talk to me, I get mad and tell them I dont want to talk about it, I have had problems as a child, teen ager, and now as an adult, when I was younger as a child, I grew up in an abusive house hold, my mothers ex husband beat her and me when my mother wasnt around, I saw him countless times hit her, and he do the same to me, when it was just him and I alone I never knew what was going to come around the corner or anything, I have pushed so many people away from me by acting the way I have been and doing the things I have been, I was made fun of and called horrible names when I was in school, girls I used to like made fun of me, I never really could get a girlfriend and the only times I would get a girlfriend is when her friends would make bets and girls would date me just because they would feel sorry for me, I had people laugh at me my whold life, I went to school with no friends and came home with no friends, I didnt start making friends until I was about a Junior in high school and those were friends outside of school, I really dont see what is so wrong with me, I'm 23 and dont think I'm a bad looking guy at all, I'm in shape and a very sweet guy, when I got older it stayed the same, I didnt get out of the abusive household until I was about 14 when my mom witnessed an incident and they finally got a divorce, school never changed from then until the time I graduated, I finally started dating girls when I graduated high school, and the only girls i could pull were girls that were 3 years younger than me, I could never get a girl my age and I never knew why and still dont know why, and they always hurt me, or would go back to their ex boyfriends who treated them like ****, yeh I know it was because they were so young but EVERY girl I have EVER dated did that to me, EVER, even my 2 long relationships, I had to give them second chances, and EVERY girl that broke my heart has tried to come back but I only gave 2 of them second chances. I fall to easily and really dont know why, I try to keep my guard up but it seems like somehow the girls know how to break it down and when they have finally broken it down they drop me like rocks and 2 months later try to come back and tell me all this sweet stuff and how they messed up, but I cant get up the courage to give them second chances because I get so afraid that they will just do it again and think that they have me wrapped around their finger, recently a couple weeks ago, after me and my ex broke up of three years, which by the way is beautiful and a wonderful person and I ask myself why I broke up with her because she is such a good girl, but we have just had so many bad horrible times and there is just no trust there and we argue I broke up with her and started talkign to this girl I work with and she told me she liked me a lot and ever since I started working there which was about a year ago and I thought she was really attractive and we kind of hit things off at one point in time while me and my ex were broke up because her and I were off and on so much and at that time me and her were broke up for about 4 months, well me and the girl I work with started talking as friends, but she was engaged so I never tried to persue anything with her, well they broke the engagement off and she was single, so her and I started kind of talking just recently and she told me she didnt want a boyfriend at the time because she was just so afraid to trust somebody else with her heart that she didnt want to have it broke again, so we were hanging out and talking and I was told that she like me tons and talked about me a lot, but she wouldnt start a relationship with me, she told me she was falling for me, she loved kissing me, and got butterflies just from looking into my eyes and when she kissed me she said it was like it took her breath away everytime, well out of nowhere she stops talking to me and doesnt talk to me for about a week, not even at work, doesnt even look in my direction, so she tells me to call her and I do and we talk and I tell her how I feel and she tells me how she feels and how she just doesnt want to be in a realtionship and doesnt want to be tied down, well seriously 2 hours later, shes in a relationship with another guy after all the things she told me, she completely lied to me, now I've got my ex that has been wanting me back ever since we broke up and I just dont know if it is because I'm not in love with her anymore or if its because of the way I am right now that I dont want to be with her, but I dont want her with anybody else because I know it will break my heart, I'm not trying to keep her from anybody else but I know the day she is I'm going to hate it, I dont know if because of all the things that has happened in my life and is building up inside of me because I never talk, never have, and just dont know how is finally piling up and coming between me and all of my friends, family and relationships, I'm a really great guy and treat girls the way they are suppose to be treated and get told ALL The time that I do, but I am just so mean to everybody now, my mother tried to talk to me last night about things but I wouldnt talk to her and told her to drop it and got mad like I always do when somebody tries to tlak to me about my problems, I just dont know how to let things go, on top of all of this, my father who LIVES ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME, has not talked to me since the day before fathers day, we have made eye contact so many times and he never says anything to me, he was mean to me the day before fathers day and it just tears me apart inside becasue he does not want to have anything to do with me and my sisters anymore, him and I used to do a little together, not a whole lot, but the things we did I cherished them and loved it, we would work on our vehicles together and I would learn a few things and I would even teach him some things, but now that is all taken away and its like he doesnt even care that hes doing what hes doing, hes never really been a true father to me and I finally realized that a few weeks ago and it just hurts how he has never really been a part of my life and now he has absolutely nothing to do with me anymore, I'm working hard to get my life in order I'm a volunteer fireman, I work at a hospital and have a traveling job and I'm in school to be a nurse, its so hard to do all of those things with all of this stress and all of these problems on my mind, I want to be better and stop being so mean, at work I put on a show and everybody there thinks I'm just the happiest kid they have ever met, but deep down inside, I am just not happy, I dont know how to be happy, I dont even know what happy is, I have had happy times and fun times, but I dont know what being "truly happy" is, and I"m afraid I will never know or find out what that is, I feel like I'll never find a good relationship without getting hurt first, I really fell for the girl that I work with and all of the lies she told me just breaks my heart and she expects me to be her friend and act like she didnt do anything wrong, I dont know what I'm suppose to do in this situation, the girl I was with for 3 years I am so mean to her, she is my best friend and I want her in my life but I am so mean and hateful to her and get so ashamed of myself because I have never ever wanted to do those things to her or anybody else for that matter, I've never been this way before and its getting out of control, when I was in high school I wrestled and I think that helped with releasing the pain and getting the stress off of my chest, well after high school I went to MMA and boxed for a while, but stopped that because my body cant handle those things anymore, so now I dont have anything I can do to get the stress off and I cant do anything physically, I dont like to talk, and I dont cry and dont even know how to cry, people say the best way to release things is by do you cry? I dont do it, how can you talk about ur problems, I dont know what to say, I just want to be back to normal, I just want to be the person I know I can be and I know how to be, I dont have a lot of friends and dont know how to make friends, I dont know how to talk to girls because I have been drilled in my head that I am just an unattractive person and I feel like I am because I never get any attention when I'm out, I dont know if its because I am not good looking or what it is, nobody knows anything about me, I feel like I dont even know who I am, I just want some help and am finally breaking down and searching for help like everybody has told me to do, I just dont know how to be me again, I dont know how to let the pain go, I dont know anything, I just want to be the guy that everybody loves to be around and wants around, what do I do, can somebody please help me, I am sorry for it being so long, but I had to explain everything and explain why I am so mean, maybe thats why I am who I am today, and I dont know if it is or if its not, I just need some help and some answers, please.........thank you for taking the time to read this and taking the time to write me IF you will mean a lot to me! Thank You!!!

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