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Hurting so bad
Sep 22, 2010
Hello everybody i am Shelly i am new to these boards just joined 5 minutes ago. Just wanted to tell my story of whats causing the 'hurting so bad' title and really need some support from people and i am here to make friends and also be there for other people.

Here is my story, sorry if it is long

I have been with my boyfriend nearly 2 years and we live together. We are fairly happy just have the normal relationship stuff going on. I have never been confident about my looks and i admit when i got with my boyfriend for over a year i didnt show him much of my body we just did the deeds in the dark. He was going on and on at me to ''get naked your beautiful'' telling me so many nice things and complimenting me. Then one day i finally got the courage and got naked and he made a big fuss of me and was all over me telling me i am beautiful , we made it romantic we like had a bath together with candles. After that one night he doesnt compliment me anymore, doesnt grab my ''sexy bum'' any more he used to call it that, he doesnt seem interested that much. It is always me going to him and trying to romantic love making etc etc. Then i caught him with pornography magazines and i told him that it upset me as he wasnt paying me any attention. He can be really affectionate but the love making and compliments just stopped. Then he told me that he just used it for the time being as me and him wasnt getting on very much (we was bickering for a week over money). We talked and we started getting along together again and he said he didnt need the porn and reassured me that i am not 2nd best. Then i went to bed and every time i woke up next day i found tissues with you know what on it and porn on 'recently viewed' on the computer. I asked him about it not in an attacking him way and he said he didnt do anything. He lied to me. Things have got soooooo much worse and it is so bad my confidence is 0% and i am so unhappy , sad all the time, feel ugly, can't enjoy any food at all, feel guilty for eating because hes making me feel ugly and fat (im a size 16 in UK size) and i have absolutely no desire for sex i am totally turned off feel sick the thought of it. I can't even eat now. completely lost my appetite.

Heres the bit where it got worse.....I decided to take a step back and not go to him for love making anymore, just go to him ONLY for affection and i thought see if he comes to me...did he ? No. Then he started staying up till early hours of the morning getting later and later going to bed at like 8am and because i felt so ugly i couldnt stand the thought of me going to bed knowing he is going to be masturbating to porn. So i stayed up with him and it was getting to the point where i was only getting around 5/6 hours in total within each 3 days. i was so tired and exhausted fighting with myself to stay awake. I had this feeling that he was going to bed later and later to try and see if i would give up and go to bed so he could relieve some frustration. After about 2 weeks of starving myself of sleep i finally gave in last night and went to bed. Woke up this morning and found the tissues again. So he was basically waiitng for me to go to sleep all that time and what hurts the most is he knows how it makes me feel and hes lied and still done it i have tried to just accept it but i just feel 2nd best well not even that. none best. i started styling my hair differently, putting more make up on, wearing my nighty instead of my usual basic pyjamas and nothing. I cant feel close to him now as he has just drained every speckle of my confidence. I have never had an issue with porn before but when ya mans sneeking around and not even making ya feel !% worthy of anything sexual or desire or whatever it starts to take its toll on your emotional state.

So sad, how do i cope?

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