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Reason to doubt?
Sep 23, 2010
I have read through some of the other questions that have been posted and I feel as though I need to ask about my specific situation nonethless. I have been dating a man for just over 9 months now. Everything was great until things became more serious around the 4 mo mark. I have a tendency to push people away due to a horrible past relationship and became increasingly irrational in this relationship once I realized that it had the potential to become something more than dating. I understand this about myself, but still have a hard time coping with it and not being that way. So, I would often look for things to pick arguments over and push and push at my boyfriend. I know that this is wrong, yet I still did it. I admitted to him that this is what I was doing and he withstood my pushing as well as could be expected. Things got further complicated because of other stressors in our lives such as travel for work, a car accident, etc. 2 weeks ago we got into an argument (mostly caused by myself being a tad unreasonable and irrational, but also because of a few real issues that i had with him) which led to us taking a "break". This break was discussed and he said that he wanted to be with me and loved me, but we both needed to get our bearings straight. We both agreed that we did not want to see or sleep with other people. He said that he absolutely did not want that. The "break" only lasted a week. We texted a few times in that week and did not lose contact comepletely, saying that we both missed one another. So, it turned out not to be a real break afterall. He was the one that ended the "break" by calling me on a Saturday after his plans for that weekend had fallen through. We ended up watching tv together and having a good time. However, I had a nagging feeling in my gut that something wasn't quite right. Completely out of character for me...and the first time I had done something like this....I looked through his phone the next day while he was in the shower. I did this because I could not rid myself of that gut feeling that something was wrong. I was hoping to find nothing, tell him that I had looked through his phone and that I was sorry and was an idiot....but end up knowing that he was innocent and rid myself of my gut feeling that he was not being truthful. What I found was that during the week that we had been on a "break" he had messaged a girl on adult friend finder (of all sites) saying that he was interested in her profile. This girl responded to his email and he seemed to shrug her off in his reply email by saying that he didn't want to chat because it was late and he was tired. He had also messaged someone on there a month earlier because he recognized the girl as someone he knew. Neither message contained any explicit language, thoughts, etc. Also, his profile was free of anything relating to sex. I confronted him with it and he did not get angry that I went through his phone, but explained why those things had happened. He said that he had the adult friend finder account before he met me (true) and had paid for a full year at that time, so his membership was still good for another month. He said that he intended to use that site merely as a dating site, not sex site, when he joined. He said that that was the one site, out of the 4 dating sites he was on, that he frequently got contacted through, at the time. (I met him on an online dating site, not that one though.) They send him emails from adult friend finder about matches and he recognized the one girl and sent her an email just to say "caught ya on here" (true). The girl from the week of the "break" he said he messaged because he wanted to see if he would and to see if she responded. Once she responded he realized that it was not what he wanted and could not continue with it because he realized that he did indeed love me and wanted only me. I found no evidence of actual phone calls from anyone odd or texts. His email chain with her stopped without him giving her any of his personal info, such as private email address, phone number, etc.
I am still very hurt by this and have become a bit insecure. Though, I have decided to forgive him and understand. Am i warranted in being a bit more skeptical as to his intentions or is it just past relationship hurt that is making me look more into this than is warranted? Also, did my prior actions cause him to not trust how he felt toward me? The fact that he did not care that I went through his phone is not what i expected...also, things since then have been great as far as working on fixing things that bothered both of us in the relationship prior to this. I've also been working on being more honest and open about how I am feeling with him. I guess I just want to hear what other people think about his actions and explanations....





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