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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

I'm living with a man who has a 9 year old daughter. There have been times in the past and occasionally in the present as well where I wish I had him to myself. At the same time, she brings a different dynamic to the relationship that enables me to see what type of father he will be to my children. It also gives us the opportunity to do things that we normally may not do if she wasn't around. We have her every other weekend and that's working out ok but I do have that fear of what our life would be like if she ever has to come and live with us full time. (Her mom's a floozy.)
My two biggest issues are not being able to attend adult events on the weekends he has her and scheduling "family" vacations when really all I want is to just be with him alone, relaxing. When a nine year old is around, there is really very little down time. I work very hard at my job and have only three weeks vacation a year. I want every one of those days to be as relaxing and fun as possible and there's a part of me that resents having to sacrifice my vacation doing things I may not necessarily want to do. Every time we make plans we have to make sure she'll have fun, that she won't be bored or that she will have a friend with her, etc. Most of the things I like doing are not exactly fun for kids. However... c'est la vie. We make the decision to accept these men for who they are and understand that it's a package deal. Sometimes we may resent that but we shouldn't feel guilty about it ladies. Luckily I've managed to bond with my future step daughter and she really likes me back which helps a lot. If she hated me or resented me for "stealing" her dad, we would have some major issues and I don't think I could stay in the relationship. I'm also very lucky that her parents were split up years and years ago so she has known all along that there's no chance of reconcilliation.
There was some problems in the beginning but I've found that if I just let him BE the parent and not try to step into that role and just be more of a friend, it's easier on everyone and it's helped my relationship with his daughter a lot.
I don't think I phrased things right.I'm not jumping you or any one eles.I'm a stepmom myself and my hubby's kids are monsters.No matter what we have done as far as they are or there mom is concerned has been right.I guess I just wanted you to step back and make sure this is what you really want.And when the answer is still yes go for it.It is just hard no matter what.And there isn't any reason for his ex not to keep there daughter for that weekend.Make a trade,maybe she(ex)has something going on where it would be easier if her duaghter wasn't there.
Please don't think I was jumping down your throat,this was not my intention at all.Ihave 13 yrs of being a step parent behind me.I have been through decent times as well as awful awful.There is absolutely nothing wrong with a few selfish thoughts,god knows I've had them.Honestly you should be praised for having the courage to admitt it out loud.Anyone saying they haven't had these thoughts would be lying.I'm sorry for the confusion of my post.I really do congradulate you on your upcoming wedding!!! Misery
I would like to offer my life’s experience as well as situation.
I’m a 42 yr old woman.
My father :angel: died when I was turning 8. He left my 28 yr old mother with 6 children. 6 months after the death of my father, my mother introduces us to HER BOYFRIEND. Her boyfriend (who has no children) moves in with us and we are to call him Dad…The bleep bleep man doesn’t want to MARRY my mother because she has children – but he lives with us for freaking 10 years…

OK, then mother finds a man who will marry her with her 5 teenage children (one of my brothers died shortly after my father :angel: ) we move 400 miles away from our LIVES so mother can marry this man and again she asks us to call him DAD – Neither one of these MEN were father figures nor did they care to be. But, I had to respect them, be nice to them, and call them a name they did not deserve. I hated it then and I continue to hate it now….. :eek:

OK, fast forward to my life, I marry, become a mom and get a divorce.
ONE thing my ex-husband asks of me is if I date someone to PLEASE be it a nice guy who will treat our son well….Well ladies, I dated some nice guys, dated some real losers, and had two guys dump me because I had a son….OH, and there were HONEST guys who just didn’t want to Date a divorced single mother….[B]MY SON always came first! [/B]
I was NEVER going to be like my mother, because I knew of the PAIN it caused me. [B]NO MAN will ever become between me and my son – He is the MOST important thing in my life.[/B]

I also had an “attitude” towards men :rolleyes: – SO, if they don’t want a divorced single mother then “I” don't want someone else’s kids either.
Ha ha – :p Sure enough – I go and fall in love with a man who has not 1 child…. but 3! The oldest doesn’t like me but it’s not because of anything that I have done, she has issues with her father (for good reasons).
I accept it and don’t force myself on her or try anything to damage any further the relationship she has with her father – I stay out of it.

The other two children :) – I get along Great With, I could not ask for Better Step Children, I treat them as I treat my son. I’m a screaming mother so they have seen how strict I am with my son, but they also see how loving I am with him – I love those children as if they were MINE.

Lastly, I could NEVER imagine not having my son or step children at my wedding, as you can see, I’m engaged (3 years) but I do call them my step children. They don’t call me mom nor would I EVER Ever expect them to or have them….The middle child is a girl and we are great friends and I asked her not to think of me as a step mom but as an Aunt – she knows how I treat my nieces as my own daughters as well – with advice, shopping trips, dinner and movies, and wonderful talks about life..I don’t speak badly about their mother even though my thoughts of her are as a physco ex wife.
hey don’t need to KNOW that or SEE any negative from me (they will soon find out on their own if not already) about their mother…

Being a Parent or Step Parent is the hardest in the world, it is NOT the children’s Fault they have different adults raising them –
What is important is LOVE, Attention, Direction, Discipline, and showing THEM you are not the enemy. :angel:

Sorry so long, I just had to get this out….
SNAILS – great post and wonderful to see/hear that a young child survived the divorce parent/step parent turned you into the wonderful adult you are today. :angel:

My hope; is my son will appreciate all that his father and I have done for him, making this child of divorce into a positive one that he will be a Happy Adult with no resentment but tell a story such as yours. :)

A-ME – You are not selfish, you are an honest human woman. :cool:
I agree wholeheartly with you not to allow the “child” run the show.
That is not good for you, his father and for the sake of the child.
You’re also correct; there should be a Balance for time for you and your boyfriend. Then you need to communicate that with him that. Let him know
YES, his child should be his first priority but he now has YOU too and he needs to find a balance –
Men are not as good at this then woman are – Trust ME… :rolleyes:

My boyfriend “tried” to force his children on me, he wanted to make me happy Before his children, he actually said something once to his children about keeping the noise level down while I was sick and napping when his children were visiting - While his intentions were meant to be good – You see, he comes from a Large (12 kids) Loving Family so he had no clue of divorce….It was ME who told HIM….Never to force his children on me or to shh them when I was napping (they were not that loud) I told him how I felt as a child and what it did to me, my mother chose MEN over being a mother and shoved me aside like a burden…I was not going to allow that for my son or his children.

I’m sorry if I missed a post if you answered this question, but what is the big deal to switch weekends with the boys mother? Is it your boyfriend or the boy’s mother who is not co-operating? If the boy is running the show in his father’s life and your relationship and yes, it’s important to tell your boyfriend that is wrong. The boy needs discipline and will not only LOVE his dad more but respect him and appreciate it ever more…Again, trust me – cause I’m the ‘mean” parent while my ex-husband is the “fun” parent…but we Still balance HIM (son) in our relationship.

HANGING IN THERE – I too felt like you. I didn’t think I could ever love someone else’s children. You hear all these horror stories about step kids – I was scared as can be getting involved with a man with 3 children – I got SO LUCKY….(about time) they are great kids – hey of course my son will still come first no matter what, but again it’s called that Balancing Act and making Everyone feel Special. My son is best friends with his 15 yr old stepsister – and loves being an older brother to the 11 yr old. :cool:

I could never tolerate bratty children – my own as well as someone else’s – My son “can” be a spoiled brat – :nono:
I tell him to knock it off, he’s loved and knows he’s a priority no need for snotty bratty attitudes or behavior…He also knows my childhood upbringing and how it effected me. :cool:

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