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It was 3 years ago when I met bf. He was so great. Of course, he somewhat pressured me into a relationship with him while I was still confused about a previous relationship that had not been over for even a month. After I told him that I need more time he said that he loved me and the he understood. How could he do that? Tell me that he loves me when he knew the situation I was in. That added more confusion to the already too confusing situation. Yes, I had feelings for bf, but I also still loved ex and I wasn't ready to jump in to something else after the way that things went before. I had been hurt badly by that relationship and I just needed time. The problem was, bf wasn't giving me the time I needed. He just kept on nagging and I finally started dating him. After about 2 weeks I realized that I had messed up so I broke up with him. He of course went back to his ex which really crushed me so I tried to get him back. I did want to be with him, just not right then. Of course, I thought that I wouldn't be able to get him back if I gave him too much time with her. Well, we got back together.

We did fall in love. I love him more than anything now, but I'm getting so bored with him and I lone to do something else for a while. I'm just not sure if moving on to something else is really what I want to do. Okay, here's why I'm not sure.

I'm really good friends with his mother and I'm afraid that she will hate me if I break his heart. He's already told me that he doesn't know what he'll do without me. He's soooo sensitive the way that he acts, he loves me more than anyting also. I'm just afraid to hurt him. Okay, I realize that I might not make much sense to you guys but it will really just help me to let someone know how I feel without letting someone I know, know how I feel.

Another thing is that he knows everything about me. Things that I don't want anyone else to ever know and I'm afraid that out of vengence(sp?) he'll tell everyone those things. Also, he is my best friend. I mean a true best friend. He's always there for me whenever I need him and he is so easy to talk to. He may not always understand me but he listens and doesn't judge me. That's something that is hard to find in a person these days. I just really look at him as my best friend other than a bf now. We don't hardly touch, have sex or anything anymore. I've lost interest in those things with him. When we have sex, it's like I'm having sex with my brother. Does that make sense? The thing is I'm bored with the way that things are. Things have become so routine for us. Everything is predictable. I know everything about him and he knows everything about me. I know what he's going to say before he says it. I know what we're going to talk about before we even talk. I know what the sex is going to be like before we even do it. We never go out and do anything anymore. Which is partially my fault because I have social anxiety disorder and I don't like being around other people but that shouldn't stop him from taking me somewhere so that we can be alone. We're never alone. I can't talk to him about this because he'll think that it's all him and it's clearly not. A lot of it has to do with me. I truly just want to be out of our relationship for a while, but I'm afraid that if we break up for a while he'll find someone else and I won't be able to get him back if I decide that I don't want to break up. Is that being selfish? I mean, I just need something different for a while. Someone different. I need new experiences.

Sometimes I wonder if us as a couple is the reason that I can't overcome my depression and social anxiety. It's confusing. I feel like he's holding me back from so much. There's so many pressures that come with being with him. For instance, I don't want to have kids, he does. I don't want to get married, he does. We disagree on these things so much but yet he still wants to be with me. And I still get pressured about these things from him and his family. He is the only child and so if he doesn't get married and have children his parents will never be grandparents. That puts too much pressure on me because I don't want children. Thus, the reason I don't want to get married. If I could find a guy that didn't want kids but wanted to get married it would be a dream come true. But where I live everyone wants kids. What's up with that? Is there anyone who doesn't?

Plus, I just want so many different things than he does. We only have a few things that we both want. And most of the things he wants are because of his parents. Did I mention that he's 24 and he still lives with his parents? That's something else that causes us problems. He's babied and he doesn't know how to do things on his own. I want a man. Not a child. Of course I still live at home also, but I'm only 19 and I can't work. There's no way that I can live on my own without a job. If my disability claim goes through then I will consider living on my own. If I had a full time job like he does I would already be on my own.

I think I just figured out what my problem is. I want to be with someone that can do things on his own. My bf has to have his families help with everything. I can't remember the last time he did something on his own. He wants "grown-up" things without growing up. How can we be married if he can't get out from under his parents? How can we have kids if he can't take on responsibilities on his on? I don't know. I'm just really confused. I want to date someone else for a while, but I want him too. Not as a bf but as a best friend. But is it too much to ask for him to just be my friend? After all this time together and all the stuff that we have been through do you think that he would just be my friend? Will I be able to handle seeing him with someone else? Can he handle seeing me with someone else? UHHH!!! Why does this have to be so hard?

[This message has been edited by *OneStepCloser* (edited 11-09-2002).]





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