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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I have been through one divorce myself.

I think that a lot of people, and this included me at one point, think that love is the answer. That if you love someone, you can work anything out. But love isn't enough. Love didn't stop me from being afraid of my ex husband.

Marriage is not an individual sport, it is a team sport. Both people have to be willing to give and take and to talk things out.

I also think that it is so easy to get married and people don't really think about what they are doing. Think about it, if getting married were as difficult as getting divorced, would as many people be married? Do we really take the time to get to know someone before we committ to them?

It took me 3 years post divorce to even think about the possibility of getting married again someday. And another year to decide that yes, I do want to be married again. I ended a 3.5 yr relationship because the man I was involved with never wanted to marry again.

Now I have been seeing someone for 5 months, an incredible man. And for the 1st time in my life, I am laying the foundation for a solid relationship. If something bothers me, I tell him (a very difficult thing for me to do). Because there is no way he can possibly know what is going on inside my head if I don't tell him. If he were to ask me to marry him, I would say yes, but I would insist on a long engagement.

If you do end up divorced again, take some time for yourself. Learn to live alone, get to know yourself. I have had boyfriends over the last 5 years, but I have lived alone the entire time (with my kids that is). Everything that you learn to do on your own feels like such a wonderful accomplishment. This summer, I got up on the roof and cleaned my chimney. I walked around bragging about it for two days. And it isn't just the physical things that I have learned. I have learned alot of valuable emotional lessons (but I don't walk around bragging about these!) and I've learned alot about myself, what my morals are (went from living with my parents to being married) and who I really am. I wish I had learned these things before I married. Maybe then things would have ended up differently.

But keep your chin up, because things will get better. What is that saying, "it's always darkest just before the dawn?"

"Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly." Langston Hughes

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