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This is in response to Glenn asking about how to get over an unrequited crush:

I think pretty much EVERYONE has been in this situation before and we all know how much it sucks. The most important thing to realize, though, is that it is JUST a crush. It's a lot different being turned down by someone you never dated then going through a breakup with someone who you actually dated for awhile. The difference is that a crush is something that totally exists in your head while a relationship is an actual force to be dealt with.

Example: I have a wonderful friend who is extremely shy around girls and has a huge crush on this girl he met a few months ago. I haven't met her, but I hear she is really cute, has a lot of the same interests as him, and hangs around him a lot. However, she also has dated three guys in the past two months and has even had my friend walk her to her boyfriend's room where she spends the night. She is a major flirt and will constantly do little things to get his hopes up, but has always been straightfoward that they are JUST friends and nothing more.

He barely knows this girl except for the fact that he thinks she's cute and he can talk to her...unlike most girls. I bet you anything that if they actually dated, he would HATE being with her...she flirts with everyone around, has no sense of commitment, and would constantly be hurting him with her lack of seriousness about relationships. Yet, in his head he thinks she is the epitome of what he wants in a girlfriend. He's not thinking about what things would actually be like if they got together or any of the negative things about her personality and how they would conflict with his personality. Instead, he is totally absorbed in wishing that she was his.

This is what falling for someone is like.....your view of the person and a possible relationship is totally distorted. Many times you fail to see their negative side and fail to see shortcomings in a possible relationship.

Personally, I think the best way to get over a crush is to just remove yourself from the situation. It may kill you not to spend time with that person, but if you allow yourself to be absorbed in their life then you aren't giving yourself a chance to fall for someone who feels the same way about you. You also are allowing yourself to stay in an unrealistic situation where every time the person treats you a certain way you get your hopes up. This isn't a reality and by spending time with them you are only setting yourself up to be hurt.

If the person you fall for doesn't feel the same way about you, there's NOTHING you can do about it. Don't try to break them up with who they DO love, don't try to make them feel guilty, and don't try to change yourself to make them love you. I had a guy once who did all of these things to try and win me over....it just ended up causing us both to be hurt and unhappy and our wonderful friendship fell to shambles. The only thing that healed our friendship was for him to take some time away from me (turned out to be over a year before we spoke again). This gives you a chance to be happy and allows the person you have a crush on to pursue happiness also without worrying about hurting you.

Anyone else have other suggestions?
No problem! I know I tend to ramble, so it's nice to see that you guys actually read what I wrote :)

Anyway, here are some answers to your questions to the best of my ability:

1)I think the main reason Justin (my friend) and Rachel (her name) have not gotten together is because they are two totally different types of people. I haven't met Rachel, but I know she's dated three fraternity guys so far (she's a freshman in college, he's a junior). She's starting to go to some parties, spends the night with guys she has just started dating, and flirts nonstop with every guy I have talked to. All the guys who have talked to me about her say that she is cute, fun, and a total flirt who isn't ready for commitment. She is sorority material.

Justin could not BE any more opposite: he has NEVER had a girlfriend, he lives for the release of new video games, and he's scared to even drive, let alone go to a party (my boyfriend and I took him to a party once and he literally hunched over in a corner from fear and intimidation).

I get the impression that the main reason he fell for her is because she is a cute girl that gave him the time of day. Sure, they have a few things in common, but the main attraction for him is receiving attention from a girl because that's something he rarely gets. When push comes to shove though, she's a sorority girl who likes to date around. He's a nerdy guy with nerdy friends (he'll admit as much) that is so shy that he can barely leave his room every day. I personally think he needs a girl who is more like him....who has no dating experience, who is shy in front of people, and who he could share things one-on-one with. He does NOT need a girl who is going to go out and flirt with every guy and crush his heart.

You asked specifically if he is doing anything to make him a turn-off to women? I think his biggest issue is, as someone else said, lack of confidence. He's the kind of guy that would constantly doubt himself in a relationship. He also is so afraid to try new things that he doesn't exude any spirit of adventure. I don't need to date Batman, but I do need a guy that is willing to do something other then play Nintendo every weekend. He doesn't drive, he hates being at college, and he has no idea what he wants to do with his life. Those are turn-offs to ANY girl, but I think this is enhanced by the fact that the girl he has chosen seems especially superficial when it comes to dating partners.

2) I don't think he ever fully confessed his feelings to her, but I guess one night they were talking in his room and she came right out and said "look, I hope you know we are nothing more then friends." She probably got the vibe from him or heard a rumor that he was interested and wanted to make sure she set things straight. That I admire her for...it's not easy to broach an issue like that with someone you've only known a few months.

However, she is definitely leading him on because I think she likes the attention. She is constantly doing things to get his hopes up....once she shouted across a movie theater that she "missed him" and wished that she could share the experience of seeing the movie with him or something like that. She also spends a ton of time at his room and talks to him a lot about her guy problems. C'mon...she may only be 18 but it's NEVER cool to talk about relationship problems with someone who has a thing for you.

3)I know what you mean about feeling bad for him. The saddest part is that he doesn't realize how much he's letting her walk all over him. Those of us with some relationship experience would never walk someone we had a crush on to spend the night with another guy. We would never allow them to string us along or put up with them crying on our shoulder about their latest date when they KNOW we have a thing for them. We would stand up for our feelings. Unfortunately, he just hasn't been around long enough to know better.

I do think I can answer the last part of your question. As a female, there have been a few times that I have sensed a guy is interested and have not known how to handle it. It's extremely hard to broach, because what if all the signs were wrong and the guy doesn't have a thing for you? Then you possibly ruin a wonderful friendship and look like a self centered ass.

It's also very uncomfortable to talk about this issue with someone you aren't interested in. You know their heart is on the line, but if you aren't interested you aren't interested.....we hate coming up with a good reason not to date guys just as much as they hate coming up with a reason not to date us. Again, it's uncomfortable and hurtful.

That's not to say that I haven't known a few people who have lead guys along beacuse they like the attention. I think this Rachel girl may have a little of that in her, and I had a "friend" in high school who also was constantly stringing guys along because she liked feeling pretty. However, I think this is more of an exception then a rule. Most people would rather not have anyone fall for them that they aren't equally interested in. I'll be honest...in situations that I've had like that, I've done my best to ignore the signs and have tried to distance myself from the person a bit to give them time to figure things out. I'm horrible at talking about stuff like that!

Anyway, sorry for yet another long-winded post. I guess I just feel so strongly that Justin is a sweet guy who deserves to be happy, and yet I feel he is deceiving himself into thinking that he can find happiness in someone who is his total opposite. I hate it when guys claim that "nice guys finish last," because I notice that lots of nice guys choose the wrong kinds of girls! I think if Justin got to know some of his other female friends, he might find someone who really WOULD be a good match for him. Let me ask you, Glenn...why is it that guys skip over the nice girls to date the pretty ones?

Thanks for a great discussion!







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