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Relationship Health Message Board

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I went through something similar to this awhile back in my own relationship....I'm your age and have been with my guy (just dating, not married) for over three years. I didn't meet my boyfriend until my third year of college, but before that I was best friends with a great-looking, hilarious guy that was my mental twin. We did EVERYTHING together and were inseparable, and he took it really hard when I started dating my current guy. My friendship with him shattered completely when he became a jealous and psychotic wreck, but after a year of not speaking he apologized and we now communicate at holidays and such. We've gone out to lunch a few times (which my boyfriend HATES because he was friends with this guy for awhile and hasn't gotten over the horrible things he did to keep us apart), and it's always like old times....we talk for hours and have a million things to catch up on. I really and truly miss being great friends with him, and sometimes I wonder if I made the wrong choice. I soon realized, though, that it had nothing to do with making the right choice. My current boyfriend is absolutely perfect for me, and it would've been a horrible mistake dating my former best friend after the way he treated me. I think that sometimes I look back on those times and think about how easy it is such a surreal life as you live with your friends and get a chance to focus on friendships and late nights and random road trips. By thinking about my old friend, I was clinging to fond memories of college. I wasn't being realistic about how a relationship with this guy would work in the present.

I think it was absolutely horrible of your wife to tell you that she has doubts about her decision to be with you instead of this other guy. I'm sure you appreciate her honesty, but c'mon....that is an immature, hurtful statement that accomplishes nothing other then hurting you. I think she is still very young and, to be honest, probably isn't ready to be married yet. She probably loves you very much, but regrets not being able to date other people or to at least hang out with them guilt-free at an age where this behavior is okay. She probably sees her friends dating lots of guys, having fun, hooking up with friends and doing harmless but stupid stuff that 19 year olds do! She can't do those things because she is married, and I think telling you about this other guy is a way of telling you that she's regretting being married at such an early age. It's not that she doesn't love you and I doubt she really wants to be with this guy instead of you, but it seems that she is having normal urges that girls her age have and she's frustrated that she can't act on them.

My dad married my mom when he was 19, and they are still together now (he's 47). Young marriage can work, and you seem to have a good communication open which will help. I wouldn't skirt around the issue....I would try to keep the lines of communication open and remind her that marriage takes work. I sincerely hope she chooses to be mature about this situation and ends up giving you the respect and love you deserve.

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