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Hi,

I have been in a relationship for 2 years and loves my current gf dearly. At this point, I could probably give up my life for her. When ever we are away from each other, we miss each other very much. On ocassion, she has to go back and visit her parents for several weeks. We have been living in together for over a year. I take care of her very well and in return, she does the samething.

When things are well, they are really well. We love spending time together and so on. I have dated many here and there but have the same set of morals that she posses.

However, when things get bad they are really bad. Sometime, we get into fights for several days. The last fight we had was about her throwing her stuff all over my house. This was our third fight on the same subject over a 9 month period. I have made it very clear to her that she has to help me and do her part in keeping the house clean. We have to be a unit. I also emphasized that she should threat this as her house. She always promise but end up never doing it. The house ends up getting clean for couple of days or weeks and end up right back to a mess. Because of that, I am loosing my respect and trust in her words and find her to be incompetent. It is beginning to make me loose patient with her and find everything else that she does is incompetent. I really feel like I am being taken for granted because she did not live like this when she were in the dorms.

I am 30 and she is 22 and right now, I am a bit concern if it might be an age difference or just simply a human habit.

Anyway, I am attracted to my gf and we have sex at least 4-5 times a week. But lately, the fights and her attitude sometime turns me off big time and I have honestly informed her already. After the first fight which were last summer, I lost sexual desire for her and did not have sex for over a week. But afterward, it recharged back up again.

The problem I am experiencing latley is I would end up fantasizing about other girls and especially after we get into fights. I am not ready to give up my girlfriend, so please help me seek some answers for my questions.

-Is that normal behavior for a guy?
-Is it because I am upset with her and that is why I fantasize about someone else?
-Do you think it might be an incompatibility issue because of age difference?
-What can I do at this point?

Please give me your input because it has been a really long time that I finally meet a nice girl. I really want this to work out, but I am a bit confuse about my own human behavior.

I have a friend who just went through a divorce and he warned me that if you can't stand her habits now, it will be 10 time worst after marriage. Is this true?

Thank you for your time!
Jasmine,

"What does being messy have to do with being incompetent? Do you help her around the house or do you EXPECT her to do all the work?"

I clearly stated above that we should act as a unit. And I also said that I did my part and she should at least help out. Yes, what does messy have to do with it right? That is how I use to think too. But until you live with someone with habits that are so bad, it will become an issue. I have always thought myself as a fair and leant person.


"You say you are attracted to your girlfriend and have sex 4-5 times per week,is sex all you do to enjoy each other?"

Again, I wrote that we enjoy doing many other things. The only reason why I brought up the sex thing is because I fantasize about other girls lately. I was trying to make a point that healthy sex is not the issue in our relationship.


"Do you take her out to dinner,go to movies or do other activities for fun?"

We spend more time than any other couple. I take her almost every where she has never gone before. When we go out, money is never an issue. I always take her out to have fun. We go to the movie, dinner is without a question, we go out almost every night for dinner. We go bicycle riding once a week, flying our kite, shopping, Las Vegas, Disneyland and so on. We LOVE and ENJOY spending time together.


"1-I feel you have far to high expectations,however we should follow our gut instincts "

That might be true!


"2-I have never known anyone to fantasize about another woman due to a girlfriend keeping a messy house,is there another woman you find yourself attracted to or is it a general fantasy?"

It is just general fantasy, such as someone on TV. Pamela Anderson for example.

"3-I may get bashed for this,but its my personal opinion..there is a 7-8 year age diff between the two of you,some NOT ALL younger women of your GF age is on a diff maturity level as an older woman.There are many younger women that do what they want when they want."

Can you be more clear?

"4-If you have talked with your girlfriend about this and still nothing has changed and its upsetting you so much,then why do you stay in the relationship? Personally I feel there is a deeper rooted issue other than messy house that is causing you to feel this way."

Because to me, it seem so minut and so unecessary for someone to be that messy. And you predicted right. There are other problems too but this is one of the biggest one that led to that. I heard from several marry couples and they told me if you can't stand the habits, you better be careful.

Besides, It took me my entire life to find a person who I enjoy spending time with. We enjoy spending time with each other way more than anyone else. So to give up a person who I have been searching for so long, is just ridiculous when it involves bad habits.


"In order for a long term relationship and marriage to work,both parties must be able to communicate effectively and be able to get along."

You want to know what I believe in a relationship? The core of any relationship has to have respect, trust and communication. Like any relationship I have been in, I always try to demonstrate the three. In return, I like the other person to do the same thing too. I have tried to compromise so many time and have communicate so many time with her.

To break up just because of these, I just feel it is so ridiculous.

I don't know, but thanks for your input Jasmine.

[This message has been edited by Blue Knight (edited 01-11-2003).]
EddieDean,

"I think your question is more about her maturity, and you wonder if she will grow out of this messy phase as she ages. She very well may, but at 22 her personality is probably pretty well set."

You are right about the maturity aspect but about the personality, I am not sure. Different people reach their identity at a different age. I think mine was at 25. I have not changed much for the last five years.

"If this is something that is a huge issue for you now, you need to realize that there's a definite chance she will always be this messy and that you can't change her, as much as you may like."

Yes, I am beginning to see that, and I am beginning to accept it too. The problem is, my friends who just went through the divorce, has tainted my mind in a way. He kept telling me if you can't stand her habits, it will be worst later on. Maybe it is bad to listen to his advice because my brother-n-law and sister started off rough when they first moved in but now are happy. They have been married for almost 20 years.


"That seems to be a huge issue in relationships (I know it has been in mine!). Honestly, I think you need to decide whether this is something you can live with or not. If you can't, you need to get out of this relationship. If you can, you need to try and let it go and focus on the things that you *do* appreciate about her."

Thanks for being so sincere and honest about it. I have and I am still a bit confuse Eddie.


"There are plenty of things that drive me crazy about my boyfriend, but I have grown to accept all of them and to realize that he is NOT my "project"."

How do you get over things like this?


"Sure, he's kind of a slob...but so far, that hasn't been enough for me to start fantasizing about other people and to tear us apart. It seems to me that there are other underlying issues here: her attitude about things, her maturity level as a whole, the way you handle conflict. Maybe she's just not the right person for you."

And that is why I am posting this question.


"It sounds like you really want this to work, but I almost get the feeling that you are losing interest and are afraid to break up with her because you might not find someone else who shares the same things in common with you that she does."

I agree with you on that. It took so long to find a person like her. I loose interest only during our fight stage, but when things are normal, than I always feel I am SO LUCKY to have her. When things are fine, I always question myself, "Why would I even think of breaking up with her. I am a lucky guy."


"Be honest with yourself: if you really loved this girl, would you be fantasizing about other people?"

The why do marry guys still rent pornos? I see the majority of guys who rent pornos are usual the guys who are marry. That does not mean they are not in love with there wife are they? When I say I fantasize about sex with other girls, I mostly mean like what I see on TV. I don't know if that is the same.


"Would you get so angry at her for leaving her stuff around? Ask yourself this question (I find this has helped me on numerous occasions!): If a wonderful, perfect, dream girl entered your life right now, would you find yourself tempted to date her instead of your current girlfriend?"

I came to the conclusion there is no such thing as a real dream girl. Plus, many of her aquaintance are interested in me. I have never for once even considered to go out with any of them. They would even give me their phone numbers when my gf is not around. You ask me if I would go for a dream girl. I think at one point or another, everyone wish they will but when at the last minute, they will break out from their hallucination. When I was with my ex, those thoughts do cross my mind.

"If the answer is yes, then you really need to rethink this relationship. If your answer is "I'm already with that person," then you will be able to overcome all of these obstacles with the proper communication and understanding."

The answer leaned more to your first question when we get into fights, but definitely leans more to your second question when we are together. I would not go out with any girl at this point. I really do want to work this out. I believe in communication big time but perhaps I am doing something wrong because I always do my best effort to let her know my feelings.


"Good luck!! Let us know what happens!"

Sure will and thanks for your time Eddie.

[This message has been edited by Blue Knight (edited 01-11-2003).]





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