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Relationship Health Message Board

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"We were both in high school, so I was pretty inexperienced and was just happy to be in love. After we graduated, though, I started to realize that his lifestyle was totally different then mine."

I understand what you mean. I look back at my dating life 10-12 years ago, I have become a totally different person. To be perfectly honest with you, it wasn't until 3 years ago, I finally realize what I want.

"He had quit smoking and started up again (which I HATED!), he ate terribly and was gaining a lot of weight, he dropped out of college after a year claiming that he didn't need a degree to make good money, and barely scraped by on a part-time job. For as much as I loved him, I couldn't see myself spending my life with someone who was so unhealthy (I'm a vegetarian!), didn't want to get a college education, and had no career goals or idea of what to do with his future. I tried to encourage his education, tried to help him quit smoking, and tried to help him look more professional so he could apply for jobs, but I realized that I was just trying to make him into something he wasn't. Because he had no schooling, no real job, and few friends, I was the person he always came to. He would get angry if I wanted to spend my free time with my college friends. Even so, I cared for him so much and had convinced myself that I wanted to marry him, so we persisted in the relationship a good 6 months past when we should have broken up."

I totally agree with you here. There is nothing wrong want to marry the best and want your spouse to be the best he can. I think as long as you try and even if you fail, you are still a winner in my book but if you quit because of laziness or procrastination that is just being a loser.

"If this girl's lifestyle (and that urge to change her!) is driving you crazy, eventually it will get so bad that you will break up and will be relieved to do so. It's not a matter of love at all, but it IS a matter of finding someone with your same view on what a life should be like."

Agree! I broke up with my ex because she is a total religious freak. After months and months of dating, she and her parents were trying to convert me constantly. When I left that relationship, I were so relieve. At that point, it is no longer about love.

"Second thing: I have a much better insight into your issue now that you have explained that the girls you are fantasizing about are people on TV. There is NOTHING wrong with's healthy and normal and kind of cute, I think! It's natural for guys to get turned on by good looking's not like you want to be with them because you are in love with them, right? In fact, it makes perfect sense. When you are fighting with your girlfriend, it's difficult to want to think about her sexually until the fight is resolved. So, you fantasize about famous people. That's MUCH healthier then thinking about her best friend or someone you met at work....those are the thoughts that deal with how you feel emotionally about people, and that's a danger zone. I personally don't think you have anything to worry about with that issue."

That is absolutely great to hear. I kept questioning myself if this is cheating. Finding others attractive is a natural human instinct. That cannot be turn off even if you are married. However, there is NO ONE else I am interest right now in terms of relationship. When things goes bad, I do feel unappreciative and wonder if there is anyone else out there that can offer me appreciation because I really put a lot of DEDICATION into this relationship. I personally think she is trying too but how hard, that is another question or maybe she lacks the inexperience? My fantasies only reached out as far as on a physical level and never on a mental level where I want to be with someone else. Example, I love breast and I find Pamela Anderson to be very hot.

Cheating is a very big deal to me and I don't want to head in that direction.

"Thirdly, the more you talk about this girl, the more I can understand why she drives you crazy. Leaving the stove on while she's out of the house? That's irresponsible and just plain stupid. She is old enough to know better, and this flakiness would drive me just as crazy as you. It sounds like she is staying at your place, and you work hard to afford this place and want it to be nice. I'm the same way with my car...I'm paying for it, so I want people to treat it really well."

AMEN!!! Finally someone understand. Yes, I am looking for someone who takes pride and become a COUPLE with me. That is really not too much to ask for.

"Does your girlfriend pay any sort of rent to live there?"

No, and that is because it is the same reason why you were trying to be there for your ex bf. She is going to school right now and I just don't want her to be stress out with money and job issue.

"She DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY should be, in my opinion. If I moved in with someone, I would offer to pay should she. She is wellll old enough to be making enough money to help pay for a place, and if she did have to pay then she would take some of the same ownership you do and would be much more careful and prideful about the way the place looks. I think if her money is going into the place, she will be more responsible. And, it would be a relief on you and would show you that she can be serious and organized."

I will think about this. I never thought of it that way. She is in this state by herself and, I get concern if she gets stress. Plus, she plans her finance exactly to the dollars and never account for "What if emergency situation". When she plans, she never leave any slack for margin of emergency. At this point, I don't really want to see any more failures from her because all it will do is make me more uptight and find her more incompetent. Next semester, she is taking out a loan.

"You really are an articulate person and are a catch for this girl. It sounds to me like she is very immature and unreasonable about these issues, and perhaps needs a little encouragement (ie. paying rent!)to get her act together. If she doesn't, you may get so frustrated that you have to end it."

Thanks for your comment. She and I discussed this immaturity phase before. To tell you the truth, we both have came to the conclusion that her action is the main reason that started this chain affect.

I knew the maturity level was an issue even before I posted this thread, but just had to be fair to let the people listen out. Plus, I would not be productive to start a thread and say it is all her fault and she admit to it. That becomes narrow and denying to seek the truth. I want to give it a fair chance so I can see if I did anything wrong too. Of course, there is no way you can understand everything since I have left out bits and pieces.

I am still wonder if I am doing something wrong here. I have retrace and retrace my steps and just wondered.

"That might not be the worst thing for either of you...maybe she will start working on becoming responsible, and you can find someone who has their act together. Best wishes!"

Easier said than done at this point. Since you are getting the flow of where I am going, I will share with something more and ask you for some further advice.

Dating and having a gf is totally different from having a "live in gf". Feelings become more nit. The girls I have dated in the past or my ex gf, I end it without any hesitation when it doesn't feel right. This one is different because deep down, she is truly a SWEET person and I mean genuine SWEET. She cares for me and loves me dearly. I think with the others, down to the bottom, it is them first.

Throughout my life, I have only two other serious gf and dated in between when they becomes my ex. Finding A CLOSE MATCH TO YOUR DREAM PERSON is like finding a needle in a hay stack. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs and gamble. If I meet a girl who has any of these traits, she is automatically out of the door. The last two girls I dated before my current gf, they love drinking. And their morals about dating is kind of off from mine. They think it is ok to date other guys even if we became bf and gf. I was brought up conservative and that is out of the question.

Anyway, when I met my gf, I fell in love with her because she is so SWEET and does not smoke, drink, do drugs, and gamble. I was also fascinated that she speaks my language too. Most of the girls I dated has lost that traditional root and culture. My gf was cultural and traditional and at the same time she is AMERICANIZE. I really like being with someone who is half and half. Aside from that, she loves going fishing and WORKING OUT with me. Two of my favorite hobbies. She did not know much about working out at first, but I wrote a program for her and she agrees to start on it. She joined my gym and in 6 months, she lost 15 lbs. I was really happy not only because she looks good but she was becoming more confident because of her success. And it was trying to help her understand when you SET your mind to something, you will be able to do it.

When we are sick, we always take care of each other. She cooks all the time. Everything I have just described are on a physical basis. Now as for the mental basis, I love her because I TRUST her 100%. I have mentioned before, that my relationship must be base on RESPECT, TRUST and COMMUNICATION. Missing one is missing them all. I can never trust ex gf or other girls because I think most of the one I dated are a bit more materialistic or on the gold digger side. I know my gf loves me with her heart. The question is still about the RESPECT and COMMUNICATION. I gave her respect when we first met, but gradually just lost it because of the mess she made, the stove she left one, and a few other things. The one thing I don't understand is why she always end up crying (and sometime goes beserko and start screaming) when I am trying to COMMUNICATE with her.

With what I just said, what do you think?

Can RESPECT be rebuilt back up? We have even thought about taking sometime apart for several months but the one thing she is afraid I might meet someone else within those months and especially I am so fed up sometime. At this point, I know what I want in life already, but I don't know if she knows what she wants. I am seeking for a REAL WOMAN who can appreciate my qualities and that is what kills me. Most of my friends lack that Communication in their relationship. On the other hand, I have tried to base our relationship on it and tried to be as open as possible. That is where I feel not being appreciated. I am hoping this is just a phase and she will grow out it soon. When I was young, I was irresponsible too but never like this.

How can I help her to communicate better when we are in a fight and cry less?

Thanks for sharing your story and advices, Eddie. You made me feel a little bit better. If you don't have time to reply back, don't worry about it. I am just venting right now.

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